I'm also about 20 months in, and while I've certainly had some improvement, I'm still struggling quite a bit. After taking about 9 months off of graduate school I resumed last February, and have been plugging along at a much reduced pace and intensity, not making the kind of progress I need to make. My advisor and committee have been supportive, but I'm not really being a good graduate student, and that's becoming more and more apparent.

I've been feeling a bit worse the past month or so, which has brought me back into grieving the loss of my former self. I seem fairly stuck here, in this mode of grieving. It sort of drifts to the sidelines when I'm feeling relatively better, but the source of that grief is always there - the fact that I just don't like who I am right now and the circumstances of my life. I feel like I've reluctantly accepted that this is where I am now, that I can't do all the things I used to and that I hopefully will in the future, but I don't know how to not, at least periodically, dwell on how much my life has changed for the worse.

I guess I just don't know how to move beyond grief. I feel like I have fits and starts to get past it, and do OK for a while, but it just comes crashing down again eventually. Dr. Roberts Stoler's book talks about the importance of grieving the loss of self and suggests things like holding a funeral for yourself, the idea of which just seems so repugnant to me, but I clearly haven't been able to move past this grief. I guess I can't even imagine what it would be like to just accept that the old me is totally gone and not look back, only forward, acknowledging that I can't be in the world like I used to.

Sorry for rambling, just been extra down lately.

Your post hit me so hard. I really feel for you. I am in a very similar situation...I have accepted things but at the same time I keep hoping it'll get better. I know better... I have grieved my old self, but there's still so much more to come to terms with. "New me" isn't what I am supposed to be but it's what I am. I am about two years out from my accident.
I also think that a funeral for yourself sounds pretty awful. I haven't done it yet, but I was going to get a tattoo of a brain with a halo to signify the loss but also the healing.
Hang in there. Easier said than done, I know...I hope you feel better and find peace.

This has got to be the most depressing thing I have ever read.

Come on folks, buck up! The brain is an amazing organ capable of much more than we can understand. I doubt that the timelines on these things are fixed. I have realized that counting months is probably one of the most counterproductive things you can do. After all, the brain does not think this way. Time is a human concept of consciousness. Let the months roll by. Who cares? People get better from these things after 3, 4 years. It's not fixed.


If I can stay Optimistic living in a basement with sunglasses and earplugs on grieving the loss of my brother, so can you! I haven't been in the sun in over 10 months. Perception is reality. We need to do better with positivity. I understand it's hard but be thankful for what you do have.