us humans
my dog
my precious dog
he is old
has a tumor in his brain
Cushing's disease
my companion until moving where i am
my eldest has him
i miss him with all my being

a brain tumor
pituitary
hormones hormones hormones in his case
he suffers all the symptoms
how can such a wonderful canine such as our silky terrier be so
lucky
come to find out it is common in the canine world

what is wrong with me
why is my body behaving as it does
the bruises of my hands and feet undeniable
yet the two doctors on my train have my life and body
in their hands
either one no clue
both scratching their heads

in my pooches case in hindsight
he exhibited all the progressive stages of Cushing
as a young pup
always overly active
when i seen him on Thanksgiving
i was heartbroken
he can hardly walk
i offered to help with some ideas to make life easier
some area rugs
so his feet can grasp the rug under his feet
so to help him along
i know he is taken care of
they said they had gotten doggy insurance
pray they did
the times he would love to lick the tears
i was already shedding come towards the end of our time together

and then all the water he would consume
i just don't get it
innocent
he was my unconditional friend
who NEVER let me down
hurts to watch him walk
doubt i will ever see him again

just another thing to find a place to shove it

it is all this kind of stuff that is killing my spirit
my dog is old and sick
and we are not together
who loves their animal knows what i speak of
the void
the anticipation of his passing
drawing near will just about put me over the edge
i see his eyes looking into mine as i think of him

is this what growing older is suppose to feels like
there are so many women out there
who move with ease at my age
i do not look my age
yet i do feel what many older people suffer

my gut tells me
i too whole heartedly believe my hormones
running out of control throughout my entire lifetime
causing many things to follow and go wrong
i felt my hormones at work
nobody was listening to me
hormones that does affect our bones
depleting it
i think of Sam when i write this
he is at the age where his hormones could be affecting
him also
it is my belief
a week before my monthly menses
all would stay away
i KID YOU NOT
it was during my menses would my own children
my co-workers knew and seen for themselves what my period did to me until my changes
beginning around forty five
the sweats
there are others who know what i speak of

POINT
hormones controlled much of my mind
and then body still not taken seriously by the gynecologists world
i know my body
nobody was listening
nobody
this back in the late seventies to date
my body

i also believe it too has something to do with inflamation
of the body
a first sign of something is up
just think about it
then as we mature
and mutation begins as we are born
actually even in utero
we are given the genes of our lineage
then we have environmental
and how we choose to live our lives
meaning what we put in our body
a vicious cycle

always erring to the side of depression
compound by all i have not let go of
is killing me even quicker
sadness robs us of experiencing life

is my life over
am i just waiting for the day
i don't take a breath
to leave my loved ones behind without resolve
is this what growing older is suppose to feel like
i really don't think so
but it is exactly what is happening
to me

hormones have taken my life
and my cancer
it alone is estrogen driven
go figure
so sad right at this moment
and this is how i stir every morning
fighting this vicious thing called
depression
me