TOS Humor

Things you'll never hear a TOSer say!

...Oh, I just love my stick shift truck.
...Honey, I'd love to play catch with you.
...Doctor, I know you don't approve of surgery, I'll just live with it, no big deal.
...Excuse me, I can get my own door!
...No, this bag isn't too heavy.
...I only need one pillow to sleep on.
...Stop massaging me, please.
...I type 80 WPM
...Pain meds are for addicts!
...What do I need a maid for?
...Let's ride the roller coaster again!!!
...Christmas dinner for 10? No problem!
...No, I'd rather hand-wash the car, but thanks!
...Go ahead and relax, I'll shovel the driveway.
...I hate zippers!
...For fun, I play hockey.
...No, it doesn't hurt at all!
...Gloves? Who needs 'em!
...Headset? Why not just cradle it on your shoulder?
...Let ME put the groceries away.
...Why get a dishwasher when you can do it by hand?
...I need to find a purse big enough to hold all my stuff!
...Window washing is my favorite job!
...No, I'll type that!
...I want to be a hairdresser.
...Let's try rock climbing next weekend!
...Here, let ME carry that for you.
...Please, let me drive.
...I'm making a new exercise video for Tae Bo (Kick-Box Aerobics).
...I just won the "Housekeeper of the Month Award" for the third time!
...Horseback riding? I'd love to!
...Here, let me help you move that piano.
...I'm going kayaking this weekend.
...Wanna arm wrestle?
...No, I can take my own groceries out to the car, thanks!
...Tennis, anyone?
...It's on the top shelf? No problem, I'll get it!
...Let me fold that laundry for you.
...I just won the 100-meter freestyle!
...You look fine, just tough it out!
...What was the phone number for the doctor again?
...I'm on the next "Survivor" episode!!!
...Wow! That Tylenol works wonders!
...I'm learning sign language.
...Here sweetie, let me put your hair up in a ponytail for you.
...C'mon son, let's go shoot some hoops!
...Let's just get right down on the floor and work on these poster boards for your school project.
...Help you learn the new cheers for the school team? No problem, here's how you hold your arms up and out!
...Let's go to Price Club so I can buy super-size everything.and I wanna push the cart.
...But doctor..blue is my favorite color!!
...Hi, I'm calling about the job for disarming bombs for the police squad. Oh no..that job's taken? How about the one for police sharp shooter?
...My doctors never have trouble drawing blood! I have great veins!
...Medical TOS person to a patient."Sorry, but my hands are going to be a bit warm."
...I'm going to wallpaper my house today!
...I'm so happy the Worker's Comp. people got my benefits approved right away! Boy, they know more about TOS and understand my pain more than my doctor does! My caseworker is so compassionate too; that woman is so understanding! What would I ever do without them?!!
...Sorry, but there's no other way to clean the floors but to get down on my hands and knees and scrub them by hand. Don't worry, I'll have them clean just in time to cook dinner for the folks!
...I'm such a lucky person! As soon as my family found out about my TOS, they all decided to take turns flying over here to stay with me and help with everything around the house! They are so aware of what I'm going through!
...Guess what? I've only been doing weight lifting for a week, and the pain is all gone!
...I'm so glad I never need to scratch my back.
...Depression caused by pain? Isn't that another excuse to be lazy?
...Now.If I work 10 hours more of overtime, in another month I'll be able to buy the surfing gear and we'll get to Hawaii!
...Hey guys! I just got my SSD money and got me that Harley I always wanted.
...No doctor, I really don't mind filling out that 50-page questionnaire. I should be able to have it done in 5 minutes!
...Yes Mr. IME Doctor, I'm sure you are right. I DO have Fibromyalgia. The other 5 doctors must have been wrong. Keyboarding for 30 years could not possibly have anything to do with this.
...No, it certainly won't bother me if you put my mouse on top of the monitor for me to use. I adapt rather well to problem solving.
...I understand you're busy Mr. Feed Store Manager. That 50lb. bag of horse feed should be no problem for me to carry out to my car.
...I'm sure my injury was not work related. I never worked more that 10 hours a day, 6 days a week. And yes, I did get my 15-minute lunch break! Thanks for making sure I followed the rules.
...I really don't need that speakerphone or headset. I'm sure I'm capable of holding this receiver for 2 hours.
...Let me help you put those 200 computer books on the top shelf, I wouldn't want you to get hurt.
...Life has gotten so much easier since I've had TOS. How can I ever thank you for not listening to the Ergonomic Specialist? I don't need any special equipment or frequent breaks. What ever was he thinking?
...It's ok honey, I know you're running late..I'll take out the garbage!
...The riding lawn mower is broken? I LOVE to push mow 3 acres!
...No, no Dr. IME, I was BORN with blue hands and a droopy shoulder.
...It's ok kids; I'll pick up your room.
...Like my dress? I sewed it myself!
...I spent an hour on my hair!
...Oh, this old brace? I just wear it when I don't care how I look!
...Let's drive to San Francisco for the weekend.
...Honey, can you get me a beer to wash down this Neurontin?
...Involuntary muscle spasms are a sign that I'm getting a free and good workout!
...I still love to use chopsticks when I cook and eat!
...Can I help you open those cans? I prefer doing it by hand because we have to save on the electricity or suffer rolling blackouts!
...Who needs ergonomics? It's for wimps anyway!
...Can I carry little Johnny for you? I think you need a break!
...I'm just a klutz by nature. I'm sure I'll grow out of it!
...Okay, I admit it! I filed a workers comp. claim because I hate my boss and wanted to pick on him-great idea, right???
...Elavil makes me feel so alert and pain free; I recommend it to all of my friends!
...Yes, yes let me have that cortisone shot in my shoulder and elbow doc!
...I love this biofeedback for my pain-it makes it all go away! I guess it is stress related after all!
...Okay, let's do these assisted pull-ups, military press and bench press Miss PT lady. I'm sure the ice will make the other numbness go away and the stretching will help ease those spasms that I'm so prone to getting after our wonderful sessions!
...Doc, tell me again why my dominant hand is weaker now and isn't getting stronger. Oh, tendonitis and carpal tunnel! Okay, I will go to Occupational therapy for 6 months 3 times a week and it should make it better!
...No pain, no gain-so let's just work through it!
...My doctor says I'm way too skinny and need to put on 20 pounds immediately.
...I finally made it to 50 push-ups a day!
...Hire someone to paint the ceiling? I'll do it myself!
...I think I'll re-arrange furniture this weekend.
...Oh no Mr. PT, I don't think not being able to get out of bed today has anything to do with what we did in therapy yesterday.sure, I'll try the weight machines again tomorrow!
...Hey honey, can we trade in the Maxima and get a 4WD truck?
...Hey doc, aren't there any painful tests we can do? Can't we repeat some of the tests we've already done? Pretty please??? Wanna see me hold my arms up at shoulder height again and wiggle my fingers so you can time me AGAIN???
...Sure, I'll be right over to help you pack and move --- 3 flights of stairs? No problem!
...Prom dress shopping - Oh boy!! I can't wait to spend hours lifting all those long gowns off the overhead racks, put them over your head, help you pull them off again.I'll just be laying outside your dressing room on the floor, don't mind me!
...Sure, I'd LOVE another glass of Champaign. It mixes so well with all the medications!
...Who does my make-up? Oh, I let my 4-year-old practice on me!
...This is the way I always thought the floor was washed.don't you drag a wet cloth with your foot too?
...My whole arm is killing me from peeling 6 potatoes 2 days ago.just kidding!!! Ha ha ha!
...I think I'll re-pot all my hanging plants today.
...I can't wait to have another E.M.G. done!
...Let's have the bowling league meet 3 times a week.
...Doctor? What doctor? I don't know any doctors!
...SSDI should really cut back on what they pay those pitiful free loading disabled people. I mean, isn't $15.00/day a bit much?
...My health insurance has just lowered my premiums!
...What's that? The doctor can see me tomorrow?
...Friends and family just love to flock around and listen to my medical stories!
...Bartender.make that a double.
...Forget the carpet-cleaning guys, I can do it myself!
...What in the world am I going to do with all this money in my savings account?
...I thrive off isolation.
...You really think I hurt more than what shows, Doc?
...I just finished washing both cars and I'm getting ready to wax them.
...You do the walls and I'll paint the ceiling.
...Nah, I won't use that electric sander. It comes out better when it's done by hand.
...Here, I'll unscrew that tight one.
...Get me the hand mixer honey, I'll beat the egg whites by hand for the lemon meringue pie.
...Water-skiing anyone??? Better yet - how 'bout taking a spin on the tube?
...I just won a weight lifting contest, yah right!


from the website tellmeabouttos.com