Dear Bobby,
He was in therapy -- both tdoc and pdoc. That's the point. I know that some people with depression cannot be treated. But he had been mostly successfully treated his whole adult life -- until about 4 years ago when he started going down hill fast. Then his docs got stupid? Or he got worse?

His job is relatively easy. And people at work went out of their way to make it very easy when he came back 2 months ago. He had very few responsibilites. But it seemed like even that was too much for him in his fragile condition.

His neice and I briefly speculated on how his mind set could be different (better or worse) once he recovers. She was half-wondering if he would even want to recover. I was trying to be hopeful a few days ago.


Well, I heard today that he is back in ICU/CCU with an infection. I don't know whether to be angry with him or depressed about him.

If his ER docs said that the OD was "accidental," I don't see why they would send him to the psch ward after he gets better. They might just patch him up and send him home.

I'm so annoyed.

I've even dragged up anger (intense anger) at my mother again. My anger about her comes up whenever I am upset about anything. It is close by and I don't know what else to do about that except to do something like change my life for real and go on a six month yoga retreat.
Trust me, I have been to therapy for what seems like forever to deal with my emotions about her -- much of it I paid for out of pocket. I read self-help books, I prayed, meditated, went through hypnosis, treatments with my chinese doc/accupunturist . . . .

I'm all twisted up.

I don't know if I can handle visiting him again, but I might.

ALSO,
I have friend in an Assisted Living Facilty with absolutely no family who is not coping well. We talk for 5 mins on the phone twice a week. She would like me to visit, but I can't be any good to her. And after I visit, I come home freaked out and mean to hubby and need days of hiding out to recover. I could do that in the summer. But now that I am working, I cannot afford to loose a few days a week for a two hour visit with her. . . .

Two people I know are not doing well and I somehow manage to turn this into something about me.

Man, I need work. I wish I could get into see the tdoc. But we have scheduling problems. She only keeps office hours a few days a week. I would have to schedule a day off from work and I already did that last week.

I'm rambling here and talking to myself. It is helping a little.
Of course, I might decide to delete the whole thing tomorrow. I hope that that is all right.

Take care, everyone. Learn to be good to yourselves.
M.

_______________

If you touch one thing with deep awareness, you touch everything. (Thich Nhat Hanh)