Dear Bobby,
He was in therapy -- both tdoc and pdoc. That's the point. I know that some people with depression cannot be treated. But he had been mostly successfully treated his whole adult life -- until about 4 years ago when he started going down hill fast. Then his docs got stupid? Or he got worse?

His job is relatively easy. And people at work went out of their way to make it very easy when he came back 2 months ago. He had very few responsibilites. But it seemed like even that was too much for him in his fragile condition.

His neice and I briefly speculated on how his mind set could be different (better or worse) once he recovers. She was half-wondering if he would even want to recover. I was trying to be hopeful a few days ago.


Well, I heard today that he is back in ICU/CCU with an infection. I don't know whether to be angry with him or depressed about him.

If his ER docs said that the OD was "accidental," I don't see why they would send him to the psch ward after he gets better. They might just patch him up and send him home.

I'm so annoyed.

I've even dragged up anger (intense anger) at my mother again. My anger about her comes up whenever I am upset about anything. It is close by and I don't know what else to do about that except to do something like change my life for real and go on a six month yoga retreat.
Trust me, I have been to therapy for what seems like forever to deal with my emotions about her -- much of it I paid for out of pocket. I read self-help books, I prayed, meditated, went through hypnosis, treatments with my chinese doc/accupunturist . . . .

I'm all twisted up.

I don't know if I can handle visiting him again, but I might.

ALSO,
I have friend in an Assisted Living Facilty with absolutely no family who is not coping well. We talk for 5 mins on the phone twice a week. She would like me to visit, but I can't be any good to her. And after I visit, I come home freaked out and mean to hubby and need days of hiding out to recover. I could do that in the summer. But now that I am working, I cannot afford to loose a few days a week for a two hour visit with her. . . .

Two people I know are not doing well and I somehow manage to turn this into something about me.

Man, I need work. I wish I could get into see the tdoc. But we have scheduling problems. She only keeps office hours a few days a week. I would have to schedule a day off from work and I already did that last week.

I'm rambling here and talking to myself. It is helping a little.
Of course, I might decide to delete the whole thing tomorrow. I hope that that is all right.

Take care, everyone. Learn to be good to yourselves.
M.

_______________

If you touch one thing with deep awareness, you touch everything. (Thich Nhat Hanh)

when I feel intense anger towards my sister or mother, when I pray for them the anger dissipates(sp) I wonder who you damaged you more, your mother or your father by the way.
I get the gut feeling that the man from work has never really tried to help himself. I could be wrong. I keep on thinking of No Exit....Maybe you would feel less frustrated if you focus in on that the ball has been in his court not your court and it is okay to feel sad about him but you can't help him. Does he feed on his "helplessness"? He sounds just as dangerous to others as he is to himself.
I hope you take the day off and see your therapist. It sounds like a good time.
You have made huge progress in recognizing your limitations....beware, you might start having feelings of emptiness since giving seems to have been your vocation in life lol.
Bobby

Dear Mari

There are times in life when we have to be selfish to preserve are own well being. I think that you are at this stage, 'yoga retreat' sounds a good idea.
by constantly trying to help others you emotionaly drain out. Thoughts of our past creep back, as the brains way of saying deal with your own issues first. Abit like a burgler alarm.

Please take care of you

YOu are taking on this responsibility....because you care about people.
Yes you are a nurturing woman and have been all of your life.
this is not a bad thing rather a very good thing...and you are learning to nurture yourself.
It sounds like an internal battle.
Do what ever feels right and what ever you need to do to feel well.
you are a wonderful woman...you do know this?
bizi

Ditto.....................................

THANKS EVERYBODY.

I was going to go to the hospital again tomorrow/Thursday but after writing my post about being tired, I reread your responses here.

I decided to skip the hospital this week.


I'm going to email my other friend from work to tell her that I changed my mind and that she can get her own ride to the hospital. And someone else can deliver the get well cards.
AND howabout this. Someone can freaking mail the cards to the hospital!!

Thanks for reminding me what I need to do and then reminding me again.

Martha

what wonderfully incredible news....how much strength it must have taken you. you deserve an award
Bobby

This is fantastic that you have made this decision.
Fantastic!!!!
Good for you.
(((HUGS)))
bizi