I am so sorry. I can relate to almost everything you wrote. I am so glad you can watch tv. I really think at times like these it is our bipolar running the show...when the bipolar takes over, nothing is safe. I think if we fight it, that is what it likes and then things get worse. I think we have to run for cover and try to drown out everything if possible. If tv can blot out rampant fears that God for tv. I just think we become flooded with emotions caused by bipolar disorder and then they attach themselves to any thoughts we might have. I haven't been able to write much until I read your post and then the bipolar symptoms I have been having took a rest. Just remember right now to take baby steps and if possible pamper yourself. Don't take on anything extra if you can help it. Don't feel guilty.
don't test yourself. Know that things always work out but sometimes we just have to go through horrific times when we seem to have so little control. I think it is especially really horrific for adults who were caretakers as children. As children we didn't allow ourselves to feel the heavy weight of responsibility that we assumed and the very strong need for control. I don't know if you became an imperfect perfectionist which would partially mean that you always have that need for control of your environment and you so overburden yourself with those unconscious fears and thoughts that dealing with the external environment is just too much on your plate. I have gray hair and love it. I figured I earned it. I am certain a lot of people buy their own coloring kit and successfully color their own hair. One of my friends went blond and I can't believe the difference. It makes her so pretty. Another friend started eighteen years ago giving herself blond hair. She has a beautiful face and the color is very flattering...I hadn't seen her in almost forty years and I immediately got used to the blond hair. Her sister who I hadn't also seen in that length of time colors her hair herself the same color as before. She also has the same figure she had before so she almost looked the same as before. Shocking....
I wish you could find a nice house keeper and have your husband approve of them and have the person do the basic work so you wouldn't worry about even lifting a finger. I am certain that stress from the guy in the hospital has contributed to your mood. You are finally beginning to take care of your own needs and that is terrifying if you have never done it before. It can shake the foundation of your existence even though it is on the road to freedom...I think things have changed for the better in your life now and because of that everything probably feels as if it will fall apart. You now have to learn to take new baby steps and blossom.
Long winded Bobby