I am so sorry. I can relate to almost everything you wrote. I am so glad you can watch tv. I really think at times like these it is our bipolar running the show...when the bipolar takes over, nothing is safe. I think if we fight it, that is what it likes and then things get worse. I think we have to run for cover and try to drown out everything if possible. If tv can blot out rampant fears that God for tv. I just think we become flooded with emotions caused by bipolar disorder and then they attach themselves to any thoughts we might have. I haven't been able to write much until I read your post and then the bipolar symptoms I have been having took a rest. Just remember right now to take baby steps and if possible pamper yourself. Don't take on anything extra if you can help it. Don't feel guilty.
don't test yourself. Know that things always work out but sometimes we just have to go through horrific times when we seem to have so little control. I think it is especially really horrific for adults who were caretakers as children. As children we didn't allow ourselves to feel the heavy weight of responsibility that we assumed and the very strong need for control. I don't know if you became an imperfect perfectionist which would partially mean that you always have that need for control of your environment and you so overburden yourself with those unconscious fears and thoughts that dealing with the external environment is just too much on your plate. I have gray hair and love it. I figured I earned it. I am certain a lot of people buy their own coloring kit and successfully color their own hair. One of my friends went blond and I can't believe the difference. It makes her so pretty. Another friend started eighteen years ago giving herself blond hair. She has a beautiful face and the color is very flattering...I hadn't seen her in almost forty years and I immediately got used to the blond hair. Her sister who I hadn't also seen in that length of time colors her hair herself the same color as before. She also has the same figure she had before so she almost looked the same as before. Shocking....
I wish you could find a nice house keeper and have your husband approve of them and have the person do the basic work so you wouldn't worry about even lifting a finger. I am certain that stress from the guy in the hospital has contributed to your mood. You are finally beginning to take care of your own needs and that is terrifying if you have never done it before. It can shake the foundation of your existence even though it is on the road to freedom...I think things have changed for the better in your life now and because of that everything probably feels as if it will fall apart. You now have to learn to take new baby steps and blossom.
Long winded Bobby

Dear Mari


You sound like your having a rough time Mari.
Please dont cancel the Hair-do, sometimes when we feel like you do at present, its important to focus on yourself. By having your hair done it will pamper the inner you, the one thats trapped deep inside and desperate to re-surface. If you look good, you eventualy start to feel good. As for house work, let your hauband help you through this. Marriage is a partner ship. Equally why dont you divide the paying of bills up as well.

All thgough bills are the last thing on your mind at present , they need attention, your situation will feel more unbareable when people are demanding money from you.

I'm not a control freak, by any stretch of the imagination, but as i support people at work to reduce chaos, i suppose i have to live by what i say.

Each month i know whats coming in and what goes out. Bills go out direct to my suppliers of gas, electricity, insurances, mortgage etc.. I know that paper bills wont drop in my post[ this way i dont have to worry] I can stand a bit of un-tidiness, but not chaos.... Clutter stores up more than dirt, it is a reflection of the mind. hence the saying a tidy room is a tidy mind....

Be an organiser in your life style. Mari you are a strong woman, who when well gives good advise, and clearly understands the issues of Bi Polar.. being an organiser through the rough times can be at times impossible , as descions are like mountains to climb.... but by attempting to take control of your environment arround you, you can pigeon hole important things to do and leave things , that you cant do at the time or lack energy to do... in the in tray for later.


Think of yourself as Superwoman, when you help others , you drain Kryptonite.... you need to recharge and become strong again......


As for the party your invited to, why not decline the invitation, and go for a long walk with your hubby, Tell him.... tasks in the home need sharing 50/50

if you both work this is only fair.......


Dont forget go to the HAIRDRESSERS......... YOU LOOK GREAT



David

Mari you sound stressed to the max and depressed.

I too would go and get your hair done, that always makes me feel better, and it will get you out of the house and do something for you.

Maybe then you might just feel like going to the party, even if just for a little while.

I would also call your p-doc about being afraid to go to sleep at night. Do you have any meds for sleep?

Ask your husband to either do the bills or help you with them, he must see that you are not up to par.

Lots of Hugs, Nikko

Hi,
I was almost out of the door for work and then stopped and decided to call in sick.
The boss answered and was very nice. When she asked what was wrong, I said that I had a headache and lots of other alwful stuff. She said not to worry and that the ac/heat was wrong in the building and such anyway.

I'm not sleeping enough. When I went into work Wednesday, once of my classes turned into chaos and I had to throw out two students (18 yr old girls) for yelling at each other. I told them that the only one who gets to yell in my class is me and told them to leave.
I felt horrible becuase it would not have happend if I had 1) been on time for class and 2) been on my game a little. I don't feel like I would be more in control today than I was Wed.

My old tdoc taught me that it is not helpful to the students if I drag myself in when I am a complete mess. When he said that, I felt like he gave me permission to attend to my needs and stay home sometimes. According to him, it is not so darned important that I show up everyday if I really need to be home instead.
That idea is still hard for me to get used to, because I feel like I should go in no matter what. And I see people who go into work who are struggling to be there too.
Now, when I start talking like that, I know that I am depressed because I usually don't compare myself to other people.

Mari

Dear Mari,
So sorry that you had to deal wiht teenage girls in your class...this is college right not highschool.
I hope that you rest today and do what ever makes you feel more comfortable at home.
It was great that you called in sick.
I too am worried about you being afraid to sleep...are you feeling something is going to happen to you while asleep or are you having bad dreams? I think a call in to see your pdoc is a good idea.
I too think keeping your hair appointment is a good idea....and yes ask your hubby to take care of his fair share of bill paying, could you set them up on line to be paid automatically?
I feel for you today...
bizi

Dear Bizi,

Safari is acting weird today. I just typed something and then lost it.

Yes. I used to have a much worse time of it. Going to bed sometimes included halluciations and other scary stuff.
The current tdoc and accunpunture person are helping me and we have made much progress. But I had a set back on Wed night/Thurs morn.

Maybe I can move to automatic bill pay. I'll do that when I am up to it -- it takes a lot for me to focus so maybe I have to wait until Christmas break.


Dear Curious,

Did you say that you lost your home last year? So sorry to hear about that. And happy that you have a place now. That is a scary thing to go through and I don't know if I could get over it. I think that is why even moving stresses me out. Being between places doesn't feel right.

You and Waves are right that I could do semi-permanent color and even if I messed it up I could not do too much damage. I will keep that in mind.

Thank you.

Mari

hey.

i know that doing hair, and shopping and bubble baths are all prescribed rofl for depression but it don't work for me. going out is traumatic when the depression is the anxious people-eeky kind. the trip, a huge mall, and a probably busy salon would freak me out, so i'm for blow it off unless you feel good about going right just now. i am also having trouble with keeping up with my personal care, so i totally know how that goes. my mom like makes comments every now and then...

fwiw, i have never dyed my hair. i'm dark auburn and aging doesn't give blonde streaks "to match nicely." so i have odd crookedy silver strands and onto streaks - totally weird. i don't care - it's me, no less than the wrinkles deepening and the skin on my wrists showing less elasticity... it's me in the here and now.

oh, i just read Curious' idea about a wash-out color ... i like that idea if you feel it is doable, and doing a coloring would give you a lift. at least no full-people-immersion!

or, can you think of your hair as being SILVER, or salt-n-pepper, rather than grey??? they sound more exciting, don't they?

i am so sad to hear you so down. good that your boss is understanding, and i do agree with your old tdoc. but also you do sound like a great teacher and one who can really hold the fort, esp with students that age. even if you were a mess and feel "at fault" for what happened, the fact is you dealt with it no if ands or buts. you mentioned control issues. even if the students got unruly because of your unwellness, their behavior is not your "fault" it was not in your control, period. you did NOT set them screaming. i will NOT give you credit for that, sorry! You DO get the credit (double) for dealing with it, even when you were perhaps too ill to be there.

yes, you are a strong and wise woman. don't forget that, you beautiful grey-headed wonderful person you.

wear very soft comforting clothes like flannel, sweatsuits etc. do you have any essential oils - lavender or SWEET orange? those are relaxants. lavender can also help with headache. i am not trying to tackle the sleep thing here, just stuff to feel soothed maybe. i'm sorry about your not sleeping enough that is horrible i just wish your sleep issues would heal. you know that worsens depression too, right.

its ok about watching tv right now... like Bobby said, it is good that you CAN do that, it is still an activity, albeit passive. let it be so. give yourself CREDIT for that.

Ok, now, CURIOUS... BREAK OUT THE CHOCOLATE ON THIS THREAD !!! Mari, what's your fav, white, milk or dark? with nuts, almonds? orange crunch? mocha?



~ waves ~

did someone say chocolate? take your pick.

MORE MORE!!!

We need a wheelbarrow full here.



(just saw the addon/edit... WHOOOOO HOOOO!)

Dear Waves,

I'm ok at the hair place. I can enter it without going through the mall. I worry about parking. Once I get inside the people are nice to me and leave me alone.

I have no idea what my natural hair color is since I have colored it for 20 years! Years ago I had a medium dark brown I think. Now I think I have more gray than brown. I color it every five weeks or so. And because my hair is thin I keep it short and that needs a regualr cut. I have crappy clothes, shoes, purse. But my hair looks good.

Grocery stores freak me out more than malls. And I can't say exactly why. I think in a mall people are naturally wondering around but in a grocery store are focused and trying to get what they want and leave.
And yet, I am also more impatient in a grocery store. I expect people to move a long and stay out of my way.

Your hair sounds beautiful. Is it long?
Since I was born I had thin hair, so it has always been short.

My mom gives me slack about everything and never gives input, even when asked, EXCEPT ABOUT HAIR. Weird. She says I should keep my hair natural, what ever that means. And only god knows what that means to her since she speaks in code anyway.
She doesn't have much gray in her hair and for some reason you kind of have to be looking for it to notice it. When she was younger she was a red head. That is still her color mostly.

I'm coming to terms with my wrinkles, but did you have to remind me about the skin on my hands?

Good try, but it is gray. The roots are gray. Never heard of silver roots.

You're right, but I had a lot to do with the mess that resulted in the screaming. I had my little cd player in class. . . Two students brought their own cds as part of the assignment. . . I was putting in the cds. . . . One was scratchy.....
The class didn't like the scratchy one. I was soooooo hung over and out of it.

I was just trying to hold on. If I were on my game, the incident would not have happened. But when the yelling did, I had to stop it of course.


Maybe I'll see if I can buy some relaxing tea. That has never worked before, but I can give it a shot.
Warm is good.

Mari