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In Remembrance
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: SE Kansas.
Posts: 374
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In Remembrance
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: SE Kansas.
Posts: 374
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Hi guys,
The doc's office called yesterday to announce the scrip for propranalol had been phoned in to my pharmacy, later my wife came in in a lot of pain and told me she had fallen next to the car and laid on the wet ground for some time before a neighbor heard her cries for help. Among more serious things is the fact that she won't be picking them up for a while,
(Few of you know anything about her except the negatives I've discussed in such detail; she suffered a stroke during a 1980 surgery, has had two unsuccessful abdominal surgeries to repair incisional hernias and is on the verge of developing a probable herniated disk in her lower back, lots of back and leg pain. She is also diabetic and very overweight
(Despite this, she has done all she could to ease my life since my last injury. I guess I'm trying to say that she isn't the totally self centered person I've described to you, that her promiscuous sex was not intended to hurt me, that I understand that intellectually but I seem totally unable to deal with my emotional response to her behavior and what I can only describe as my deliberate attempts to pretend that nothing was going on -- or touching me -- despite undenialbe evidence I simply refused to think about
(I keep talking this way because I know no one can really understand how I can be so overwhelmed; she had affairs, get over it or get out. It aint that easy, not for me at least).
Anyway, the pills are here. Now the hard part: focus upon the incident(s) that upset you then write down everything you remember about the incident(s), focusing on your thoughts and feelings at the time and since the incident(s) occured.
I have gone through nearly three years trying to avoid thinking about the incidents(s), yet obsessing over them, and diverting my attention every time they have come to mind; especially the part about my thoughts and feelings. Basically, step I is to do the one thing I want to do least.
When/if I begin this "miracle cure", I'm far from certain I will even be able to complete a small part of step I.
GnP, leaving aside your suggestions about possible alternative therapies, which are physically impossible for a bed confined patient to access, and focusing (still) only on me, it did take courage to write my original post about this.
I thought about it for a long time, finally concluding that there are a wide range of forum members, some of whom don't like me; most of whom are just plain bored with people who air their personal problems, and; some people who might see how serious this for me and who would help if they could.
At any rate, I had no choice. I would either ask the only people I know for their help or I would try to follow through with my deranged fantasy of returning to a place that had the most positive significant impact on my life and find a way to pretend I would somehow be ok.
One of the first replies shattered any hope of that fantasy (I still remember it well, Jose). No one who dislikes me has ever used my posts as a foundation for a cheap shot (I didn't think you would). I can't imagine lasting this long without the help I've gotten whenever I've asked.
I can write at this forum, either about RSD or poor me, because it is conversational, but anyone with only an undergrad degree who thinks of writing for even a minor medical journal has to take into account that they face a much higher standard. I am unable to maintain the tight, structured writing necessary because my mind is constantly interrupted by things I don't want to think about.
Thank you for your comments about my writing skill. A year ago (or so) I finally re-reread my first article on RSD as an ischemia-reperfusion injury, and can only say that I hope every last vestige of it has finally disappeared from the Internet.
It was awful. I had made A's without any serious effort on every paper I wrote in college, but I hadn't been competing against Harvard students. Since that first article, I have learned much about writing and editing, but that doesn't help much if you can't think.
That is the gist of why I have posted so often about my PROBLEM; my friends here may not understand why this has been so destructive in my life, but they know it has been. They know because when I'm not hiding, I'm talking about it.
So, to my friends: I do ask you to pray for me as I make yet another attempt to find a reason to want to live. It really is that serious, life has so little joy when you no longer want to live...Vic
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