For the past 2.5 years I've been trying to understand this disease and now that I'm finally able to feel something she tells me that all I do is talk about bipolar. I can't help thinking about bipolar every minute of the day. I didn’t ask for this disease but it’s what’s been thrown at me.

My tdoc seems to have this huge hang up about me socializing with others, but what she doesn't understand is I'm very uncomfortable doing this.

Just when I'm finally able to feel something, my emotions are disregarded and I'm told to focus on the here and now instead of my past. Don't I have a right to work through all of the anger, hurt and frustration I have about the way I feel about having bipolar?

I know it's probably not healthy for me to focus on my past, but that was really the first time I've done that. Up until this point, my tdoc has educated me about bipolar and I'm finally at the point where I understand it. But now I’m afraid that if I mention it her words will always be in the back of my mind.

We've also discussed the traumas I experienced, but one of the roadblocks I'm running into is that I can't talk or write about the way I feel regarding the things that happened to me. I'm not sure why. I don't know if my mind won't allow me to or if it's trying to deliberately block it all in order to protect me emotionally.