For the past 2.5 years I've been trying to understand this disease and now that I'm finally able to feel something she tells me that all I do is talk about bipolar. I can't help thinking about bipolar every minute of the day. I didn’t ask for this disease but it’s what’s been thrown at me.

My tdoc seems to have this huge hang up about me socializing with others, but what she doesn't understand is I'm very uncomfortable doing this.

Just when I'm finally able to feel something, my emotions are disregarded and I'm told to focus on the here and now instead of my past. Don't I have a right to work through all of the anger, hurt and frustration I have about the way I feel about having bipolar?

I know it's probably not healthy for me to focus on my past, but that was really the first time I've done that. Up until this point, my tdoc has educated me about bipolar and I'm finally at the point where I understand it. But now I’m afraid that if I mention it her words will always be in the back of my mind.

We've also discussed the traumas I experienced, but one of the roadblocks I'm running into is that I can't talk or write about the way I feel regarding the things that happened to me. I'm not sure why. I don't know if my mind won't allow me to or if it's trying to deliberately block it all in order to protect me emotionally.

Dear BJ,

You are right.
Tell her what you just said here.
These are valid concerns.

Print it out and bring it to the session.
Read it to her or hand it to her.

M.

excellant suggestion mari!

beth

She’s really confused me because I just don’t talk about being BP, I think anyway because I don’t remember a lot. During one session I may talk about my PTSD but in another, I’ll discuss bipolar. 80% of the time I've asked questions about bipolar, but now I'm finally reaching the point where I'm able to express how I feel about my diagnosis yet I am being told to focus on other things instead. I don't understand that logic because if I can't talk about the way I feel regarding my bipolar or the past, how can I move on?

I don't think she knows me in a social setting to where she could make such a judgment. I will admit that I was emotional at the time and that's why I took it more to heart than I normally would have done but I still don't think that was the right way to phrase it. Sometimes I feel that the wounds opened up in therapy will never be healed, that the pain Is overwhelming and will never stop, and I wonder why I opened all the doors I had closed so tight.

She really hurt my feelings last session. While it was going on everything seemed perfectly rational and I could understand where she was coming from. Once I started thinking about it after the session though, I started to feel attacked and condescended to and I cried for at least an hour and started to get scared because I have in my head that this is the start of her abandoning me when I'm going to need her the most. A lot of painful memories the next couple weeks and and I'm determined not to start the downhill slide I always do this time of year.

I am glad that you are determined to not slide this time of the year.
anniversaries are always hard.
She is not going to abandon you.
please don't worry about that.
She is with you thru the long road....that is if you will let her.
In my opinion....You really ought to tell her how your last session went.
Has she already started taking some notes for you or is that next time?
This could help clarify things when you get home.
I am rooting for you.
Being bipolar is one of the most challenging disorders that I face. It is a struggle to get others to appreciate how hard it is.
((((HUGS))))
beth

Interesting news (at least I think so! LOL!)
I take Topamax for my migraines.
I'm on a low dosage now (thank you to my Higher Power...I do NOT care for the stuff).
Anyway, just sniffing the bottle messes up my memory.
I take a supplement called "PS." Honestly, it helps me.

Well...some of you know, I have an adopted dau who has BP I.
Guess what? Recently, I convinced her to also take it. She takes some fairfly typical meds that many of you take here.
These meds also bother her memory.
Guess what? Her memory has been better as well. It's just a tad better...but like me, "she'll take it!"
IT's a long word....
abbreviated as "PS." YOu can get it at Whole Foods and www.iherb.com.
I just take one tablet. Certainly, you would have to watch for additional symptoms if you have bipolar illness. So far (it's only been about two weeks), my dau hasn't had any problems w/ it.

Here is something from the iherb site...a typical "review" for the Jarrow Brand, which is the one I usually get:
As good as the best.,
From Colorado
I've used PS for years and this is as good as the best. I do feel that I focus more clearly and feel just a little bit uplifted, if that even makes any sense. But, I will repurchase.

When I was seeing my old tdoc everything was fine in the beginning. I felt comfortable talking about myself, and made a lot of progress, and then I just stopped talking, and even though I wanted to talk to her, something inside me just told me not to say anything. And she got extremely frustrated with me, and several times asked me why I bothered to come to therapy if I wasn't going to talk. And soon after that she fired me.

And now with this other tdoc it seems like the same thing is happening and I want to talk, and tell her everything that's on my mind, but now she tells me not to talk about being bipolar.

After saying what she did she asked me if there was anything she could do to make it more comfortable for me. She asked me if I thought she fidgeted too much, does she do things that make me feel uncomfortable. She knew she made me uncomfortable.
I have very few memories of my teens. I think of my memory like a deep dark ocean - every now and then a memory comes near the surface like a big whale and as I reach for it, it disappears. I don’t even have to ask, this is what she wants to talk about but I don’t, not now.

I read online today……….. “The message is clear. Take your therapist off the pedestal and take ownership of your therapy.” Sounds easy but I’m so afraid if I question her she will fire me too.

I had an awful end to the day. I decided to take Hooper to the dog park after work. But while driving there I remembered there’s a dog virus going around and dogs have died from it. So I decided to take her to this baseball field where I didn’t see anyone. She had a blast because she loves to run in circles. It doesn’t look like it’s used anymore so I figured it’s safe.

As I was going back to the car a park officer came up to me. He looked so angry and intimidating. He told me I was in violation of the animal control laws and would be fined $200 for having her off the leash and another $100 for having her play on the ball field.

I felt like he was treating me unfairly and had this awful feeling that I was going to cry. But I didn’t want him to see how much he had hurt me. He gave me this big long lecture about the laws. I felt just like a bad little kid when my dad was punishing me.

He finally said he’d give me a warning. I had so much to say but instead just walked away so angry at myself, so belittled, so hurt. I just didn’t want Hooper to get sick.

I might ask my pdoc if it's okay to take this herb VL. But do you know the name of it? I can't find anything with a PS.

Dear BJ,

Therapy goes through phases.
Here is my take -- and I'm not there with you but this is a guess. Please forgive me if I am off.

Sometimes therapy becomes not so much about you but how you react to the therapist. So the RELATIONSHIP with the therapist ends up being the focus for a little while. Maybe you need to spend more time talking about the two of you and how you work together.
Relationships with other people are hugely important in our real life lives. So it makes sense that therapy is a good safe place to work on how we relate to other people.

Write out a list of things and bring it with you.
Or print out your last few posts here and bring them with you.
She wants to help. And it sounds like she has helped you in some areas.

People who are successful in therapy are articulate (I read that somewhere -- seriously.)
The more you can articulate your needs and respond to her requests and issues your way, the more successful your experience might be.

Therapy works when you talk. (Duh. I know that was a duh.)
Maybe you have reached a new stage now and need to talk about what you want out of therapy.


Please tell her (make very clear) your concern about this time of year. I know that you fully intend on getting through this time successfully. Let her become a partner in your success.
Tell her your concerns.


Opening the doors in therapy that you have opened takes courage. You are brave and it sounds like you are trying to move ahead.

You have fought very hard to make progress and have made some successes. Keep fighting.

You are making progress, so what you are doing is working.

M.