Quote:
Originally Posted by CZZ74
I too have this on going question , debate raging within me. is that anything i can do to make myself valuable again? I speaking in terms of the large annual income i have lost , my company my love of work, of being creative,marketing , etc. I have this conversation frequently with my sister, as early as last week, I was saying , If someone would just hire me to brand their product, provide an at home assitant who could do the typing , put my thoughts on paper, clean them up as I have lost all vocabulary and organizational skills, help me dress, clean up the house, drive me and if these people would allow me to work just for an hour or two on the days I could , Im not kidding I actually had this conversation and have started it many times. My sister sits ,listens patiently says a few uhums and then I noticed her eyes were wet, and then the ricucouslyness of it all hit me yet again. I think that says it all. God love my sister for listening. We both then had a good cry. Professionally, I was my sisters hero, she looked up to me. She is a successful banker now, she used to call me for advice on career moves, not anymore. Its all so depressing.I know I have so much to be thankful for, yes my husband loves me, but he loves a totally different person he cant help it, there is pity in there, it kills me.
So MsL I totally relate, that is why I am seriously considering the pain pump, even though Dr. S told me I can never have surgery,if there is a chance I coud have part of my life back I have to try. cz
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This feeling of worthlessness is one of the hardest things for me as well. Ironically I'm doing research now that could have important ramifications for the very survival of the species (more likely it's a crackpot idea) which I couldn't (or wouldn't) even be doing if I were working and healthy yet still I feel worthless because I can't dig ditches any longer. When I cast about for things I could do or learn to do I soon realize that they are all impossible. I can't do even the simplest tasks consistently and the RSD does affect my brain function and memory.
I think everyone who his sick and disabled needs to find passtimes to occupy himself. Even things that can be done on bad days if possible. The internet is a lifesaver for me but I also have a sedentary hobby which can provide enjoyment everyday. My current research is fascinating stuff and keeps me occupied for hours on end. I still try to do my old ditch digging but it seems more everytime that this is something I may have to give up. I tend to get more and more help when such jobs need to be done.
It's funny how things change. My job was never really important to me and it was mostly just the means to a check but I always prided myself on the amount of work I could do. Now I'm just efficient; Can't do much but can get a whole lot done with a minimum of effort and one hand. And I feel guilty about not being productive. The RSD often feels like a box that's closing in on me.
For me this disease is about learning new ways to cope and new ways to do things. There are lots of days I shouldda stood in bed but there's no choice but to follow the road as far as is possible.