Quote:
Originally Posted by Mslday
I think that the fear of this dreaded diagnosis is my worst enemy.
Sometimes I'm paralysed into believing that I can't go on, other times I wake up with that fighting spirit that says, "no you're not going to get me, "I'll teach you Mr RSD about who's really in control" only to be knocked down time and time again. It's an ongoing battle for me and frankly I'm getting quite tired of it. I dread the thought of winter rain and snow around the corner. Should I resign myself to this fate or keep fighting? They tried to teach me that "pain is my friend" in the pain management program and I still can't accept that. Pain is no friend of mine and I'm certainly not inviting him to my party. I ignore the pain signals as much as I can until the exhaustion of the spreading throbbing burning deep bone pain screams loud enough that I have to finally listen.
My husband says I have control issues. I laugh at that now, finally accepting that he’s right. But what can I do with that knowledge, it's who I am. How does one change such deeply rooted personality traits? Laughter does make it easier to accept it, but that still doesn't change the facts.
Why do I have to battle like this day in and out? It makes my so tired and vulnerable. How many of you do this? Am I alone in this battle or do any of you also have this struggle?
I could be considered by many as fairly functional as far as RSD goes, although I lot my job 3 years ago and still haven't returned to work. I don't know who in their right mind would hire me with all my quirks and sudden onsets of pain flares and frequent medical appointments. I'm just not the dependable employee type I used to be. Has any one here been successful with inventing your own job through self employed that helps you to manage the daily management of RSD pain?
I need to work again, cause I need to find purpose in my life. I know that I have so much to offer I'm just not sure how to go about getting started. Any suggestions would be welcome.
I'm sorry if I'm rambling here, I just though I should write my true feelings for once instead of hiding behind my "I'm OK facade"
Hoping you are all are in a good space and pain levels are manageable.
MsL
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I too have this on going question , debate raging within me. is that anything i can do to make myself valuable again? I speaking in terms of the large annual income i have lost , my company my love of work, of being creative,marketing , etc. I have this conversation frequently with my sister, as early as last week, I was saying , If someone would just hire me to brand their product, provide an at home assitant who could do the typing , put my thoughts on paper, clean them up as I have lost all vocabulary and organizational skills, help me dress, clean up the house, drive me and if these people would allow me to work just for an hour or two on the days I could , Im not kidding I actually had this conversation and have started it many times. My sister sits ,listens patiently says a few uhums and then I noticed her eyes were wet, and then the ricucouslyness of it all hit me yet again. I think that says it all. God love my sister for listening. We both then had a good cry. Professionally, I was my sisters hero, she looked up to me. She is a successful banker now, she used to call me for advice on career moves, not anymore. Its all so depressing.I know I have so much to be thankful for, yes my husband loves me, but he loves a totally different person he cant help it, there is pity in there, it kills me.
So MsL I totally relate, that is why I am seriously considering the pain pump, even though Dr. S told me I can never have surgery,if there is a chance I coud have part of my life back I have to try. cz
09-22-2009, 08:27 AM
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MsL, you put this all so well, the battle continues
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