Quote:
Originally Posted by Linn
Tinglytoes ~
I haven't read "When Things Fall Apart". This sounds kind of crazy, but I have a kind of self-conscious reaction when I read books that are too close to my own journey. I end up constantly "checking" myself against what I read, and I lose track of the organic journey itself, if that makes sense. However, I find a lot of kernels in fiction. I find myself mentally coming back often to "The Poisonwood Bible", for instance, for its example of the simple, non-deliberate integration of persons with different abilities in some cultures, and also regarding the journey of one of the characters who lives with a debilitating deformity, and the unexpectedly unhappy result of her being "cured". However, one nonfiction book that was an essential part of my own journey is "The New Earth". I found that the author has the same kind of clarity and simple expression of infinitely complex and transcendent ideas as you do, which I see as a sign of actual understanding/authentic wisdom. I still had to weather through the initial phase of self-consciousness, but it was worth it.
My only history with Buddhism was as a Religious Studies major in College. I also worked in the Department as the student assistant, and we had the honor of having a major Buddhist scholar as a professor. Truthfully, though, I didn't identify (at the time) very much with Buddhism. We had a very thorough and comprehensive study of the history and practice of that tradition, and I think the spiritual message got lost in the volume of information. My area of study (and fascination) was Process Thought, which at that time still had its roots in Alfred North Whitehead, but since has been completely changed into something much less. To me, it was the same fundamental spiritual idea as Buddhism, but from a distinctly Western (and completely independent) approach. I also really loved the Hindu Tradition. Ultimately, it all converged in my consciousness as something very much my own, after the time it took to process.
To clarify, I don't have MS (thank all of the gods!). I use MS as a familiar analogy, after seeing my MIL and a few acquaintances struggle with it. My version of the invisible gift that has changed my life so dramatically is a type of arteritis, which has led to a number of secondary diagnoses and challenges, some of which resemble MS.
I don't find that I'm lonely, but I have been, for sure. We moved here partly to escape the whole rat-race and the need to chase superficial goals, etc, that seemed to infect the area I had grown up in. The culture here is a completely different paradigm, and it isn't something I want to be a part of, but our location is a beautiful, savage, peaceful place. I can be comfortable following my own path, though, as long as I can still merge with the social currents (on my own terms). Being here has given me the time, space, and peace to collect myself and understand where I fit in the bigger picture. It's been kind of a retreat. My husband works away from the home for most of the week, so I have plenty of peace! (He texts and calls me regularly, though - no emotional neglect, here). I do miss my family, and I miss hugs. My family is a pretty open and communicative family, and we hug a lot. My brothers and Dad give wonderful back massages. I miss physical contact, and falling asleep in front of my parents' fireplace after a big meal, and my little nieces and nephews. :-)
I would love to continue our conversation! I am awed and inspired when I read what you write. You really speak to my soul (and get me to think). Which format works best for you? I'll send you a message with my email address, if that works. Does this site have private messages? I like your idea of starting another thread or blog topic. I love your PRISM idea! Is that something you would start on this forum? Or on a separate web site?
BTW - I hadn't thought about "hope" until you mentioned it. I think you're right. I don't even engage with the word, really. I hadn't realized that. hmmm... . Thank you for that awareness! :-)
Thanks for you, too. :-)
Linn
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Hi Linn, Nice to have this chat become so intimate and informative. I get that reading most self-help books takes one completely away from how to stay focused on ones individual process. I can only stand to read books if they are written from the process viewpoint. Who is the author of "The New Earth". Might check it out. I really love Ali Hamid who writes the Diamond Approach stuff. My favorite is a muscle builder, called "The Point of Existence" by A.H. Almas. Chapter 32 is a section i copy and give out to therapists and friends who are struggling to identify the narcissistic rage process. It is by far the best explanation ever on what, how, why etc this rage manifests. Any time I find rage in another or in myself, I re-read this and remember -"this is not about me".
Helps since feeling a little crazy by living such an isolated life makes me vulnerable to other true 'crazies'. I have so few good friends that the few I do have, are worth keeping, up to a point that is. I recently had to cut off a friend who was acting more like a psychic vampire, refusing to engage in any drama or recapitulation to keep things going on and on... The old hook for me is to keep trying to explain, enlighten, etc... the completely irrational person who has a major projections which resist all feedback to the contrary. Talk about the need to be self reflective but not self-consciously a doormat. It is hard, but worth the effort.
I am sorry I assumed what your issue was, arteriosis sounds somewhat similar to my slight vasculitis issues perhaps? The mask face effect is what my Parkinsons friend has to deal with. I have a very close relationship with her for a few years now. Met at the stroke center and became fairly close over the years. She has a great partner.
I have no one. This is the real sad part of my life. Had one for 12 years which was totally a co-dependent style patterned after my own family dysfunctional models of course. Then moved here alone, in 1990 and been alone ever since. In some ways easier than constantly having to focus on relationship process. Great joy in having my own self to care for as number one as opposed to the raising of my parents emotionally etc... Not so great when the car needs fixing, or the garden projects need more strength than I have. Sometimes starved for touch and connection, but not overly concerned with the physical at all. For the most part I am content and cannot even imagine a partner in my life, especially one who would be willing and able to cope with all the physical challenges I have. He would have to be a prince of a guy for sure
Very opposite of how I began my journey. Very surprising outcome in the end, comfortable and getting better at loving myself and refusing to abandon myself for anyone sake. My biggest accomplishment is practicing this consciously, catching when it starts to emerge, and changing directions quicklyand adjusting my course toward a better outcome for myself which is more loving. Getting better lately, which shows there is change possible and potential, when we really desire it. The best news of all.
Especially useful when engaging in long term Hindu group focused around guru figure. Since abandoning oneself is what they encourage. I say we have to have owned a consciouly aware ego, before we can presume to give it up/surrender. And most of the rules for life in the Hindu culture are written for the Patriarchy, the Bhramins, who are more likely to habitually portray entitlement and privledged attitudes which could use some knocking down to earth in truth. My complaint is that the femine principal is not necessarily going to need the same philosophy oriented toward the higher castes. Women naturally hold the lowest position of all. I found for myself that I had to fight the tendency to give tacit approval to innapropriate power dynamics in the "junior guru groupies". If I had lots of money to give them regularly, it would likely be no problem to say "this pattern of power abuse is not Ok with me". But since I am broke, I am looked on as dangerous, even toxic by those who advise and influence the teachers. Giving it all up as unhealthy and walking away was a difficult reality to face after fifteen years of being devoted to one path. Just managed to find my center again over the last year. So yes I get the value of not being influenced by outside comparisons and caught in the cycle of comparing an idealized philosophy with everyday reality. So tempting to become a "good girl", so wrong to fall into that trap!
I am getting too far off into my story. I am glad you liked the PRISM concept. I think it should be on this site, since both cargivers and receivers would have much to add. Maybe I should shoot a query over to Mrs D. who seems to have her finger on the pulse of so many areas in this site.
How about we do private messages via this link and then go from there. I recall seeing something on my 'home page' for this. And we can do an invite to each other for friends/contact which allows easier access I believe. I am embarassingly unsure to be honest. Gotta go get some stuff done, will be a couple days till I get back here. Going up tomorrow to see a teacher about three hours away. Rare journey out of town. My story is if one thing does not work out, change my pattern, but never give up seeking what gives me the best outcome possible in this life.... Best Wishes TT