Another week
 

As the symptoms are beginning to subside
I will wait another week before I reduce the morning intake to a quarter rather than the half
That was to much the first time around
And I was careful having introducing my body to
the DEPLIN
It will be a wonderful thing if I could get this drug out of my system
But I am determined
As my defects are something I try real hard to keep in check
I will remain to be vigilant in my sobriety
The obsession lifted
Grateful
But remembering it all IN the DAY
Not what happened yesterday
Or what tomorrow will bring
Only one day at a time
By
Letting go and letting God
me

i am so proud of you eva. i know that you are a kind and strong person who will continue to succeed and make a difference in this world. you already do by helping me deal with my brothers addiction. just knowing you care and understand and helps me get through each day too. i also believe in one day at a time and to let go and let God. not only in dealing with my brothers addiction but with my own emotional and physical health issues. i just focus on the today. it's all i can control and deal with at the moment. thanks for the inspiration and great advice. sleep well my friend.

and these be my rewards
 

thank you so much
it means EVERYTHING to me knowing i have lifted ones Spirit
it is worth every bit of living this incredible journey
i am now sharing on almost a daily basis
my experience strength and hope
your brother will go through
whatever it is HE will put himself through

YOUR HEART
not giving yourself credit too
is of kindness and willingness to reach out
as he IS you brother
someone you grew up with
knowing each other as only siblings do

if i can help put a smile in your soul
it was God, my Brother who advised me
and they come from my being
you have gifted me with what i hoped to be
a woman who by example can empower someone else
IS a
GIFT in return
many soft gentle hugs
love
me

note
i begin my writing in the morning on what is called an iPod
having written most of my first response to you was thrown into cyber world
as i plugged it in for a charge it wiped it out
i was given another chance to write
do you get where i am coming from
without throwing religion in the equation
but i believe there are no mistakes
when one has no intentions of hurting another
in Jesus "I" trust
this i know you know
me

It is week six
 

The symptoms of withdrawal
Is mostly lifted with the decrease of my morning
intake of 1mg to .05 cutting it in half six weeks ago
Wiping my brow
Oh my goodness
I have decided to wait
Possibly two to three weeks
Staying steady with the decrease
What a horrible drug
And a extremely dangerous one
when mixed with alcohol
This is what brought me into the rooms
And I stuck it out long enough for it to bite me
Once bitten there was no stopping
One day at a time
And turning what I cannot control over
to my higher power
In Jesus I trust
It can be done
One moment at a time
And people in and out of network
that are gifts
As they are ready to lend a hand
All of it
One day at a time
One situation at a time
One question at a time
Here today
sober
Love
Me

To have the courage to move on
 

Moving on
Leaving what I cannot do anything about
And not to look back
This is what was happening to me
when in my deep dark abyss
The reel would play over and over again
This isn't fair
I would tell myself
No way could God be listening
The fact of the matter
I wasn't in my right mind
And needed to work real hard to
Let go and let God
Let go and let God
That is how easy that was
Once I could see what I already knew
How easily I let go of my Father
Leaving what I cannot do anything about
Yet I must confess
This time around
I had to let go of my kids
The hardest thing I ever had to do in my life
I really mean that
Not having them in my life is sad
Very sad
One of the most painful things in my lifetime

I remember leaving my home
How dramatic it all was
Prepared I thaught I was
So much innocence
Wasted
Not
I have become to understand
I have zero control of destiny
Ok do not know why my body decided to break down when I did
This was tough
But do have the courage to move forward
Now in a much better place
Only can be done
One day at a time
With courage
Love
Me

My Father's Day wish
 

This early morning
My child
My beautiful child
My granddaughters mother
The smartest on so many levels
But is a hard-core addict
Calls me to wish me mom a happy Father's Day
This is what they did since as young as they understood I was mom and filled in for a absent father all their lives
Appreciated I will confess is the only thing I look for
Happiness is all I wish for them with Heavenly Father in their hearts
I invite her to the pool only to find out she is already high
It be 6:30 in the morning and had gotten off of work
And
Got high
Something I picked up immediately
Broken hearted I am

On a more positive note
All my children have a fun day planned all together to "action park" worried ill be but they are together for the first time since Christmas
Heavenly Father bring them closer together with Your name on their tongue in their hearts and mind
Let them talk out addiction
All of them have had contact with one drug or another
My youngest getting clean for she needs to clean up for work
And the possibility of urine testing
Spoke with my eldest child about that
Asked her to honor it
I am saddened at the hold it has on her

My middle sister calls after a good few months
called as if nothing ever happened
Okay by me
If it be her way of contact
I have two younger sisters
One two years younger then myself
And my youngest sister is nine years younger

It was a lengthy conversation
To hear that her second husband a addict
So bad on dialysis and found to have four pints of vodka in his backpack
Already had a liver transplant
Was dropped from program as he could not sober up
He still breaths till he compleatly destroys his body
The hold is so strong just recently
His exwife who he has only one child
died of a massive heart attack
while in the hospital to insert stents as there were blockages
Her symptoms were shortness of breath
Point
The father my sisters husband is so deep in his addiction
I understand what the alcohol does
After your first three drinks
You begin to literally go numb
A quiet man when no altering chemicals are in his body
A clear indication social contact is difficult
And a few drinks thrown back help some come out of their shell
This is something I am familiar with and have it in my own family

For my beautiful child to need to get high
And not for the reasons I just described above
She a very outgoing person
When she was a baby I called how she would be a challenge
Was so friendly and innocent as a child
Scary
But true
So this is my start for the morning
Praying and hoping she does not continue to get high
It is not alcohol that comes in later
So sad
So sad
Yet I must pull all together
And we will be at the pool today
Even if just four a couple of hours
I know there are many who understand
the sadness and frustration

You wonder what would it take for them to go through to get it
My sisters husband does not live with her or my nephew
And his son has now no mother and a father wo isn't going to get clean and sober
He will be left alone no parents or siblings
How sad is that
Me

That phone call
 

1:30 in the morning
"I cat take it anymore"
This from Eva father
She is in a very bad way
When I called her
She made no sense
You could not understand a word
My youngest picking up two days ago
I am helpless
It seems so hopeless
I have become what in this all
I am their mother
And cannot do a f*****g thing
Just got that call
I cannot reach her
She isn't answering the phone
This all just S.U.C.K.S.
It crushes me
I cannot do a damn thing

hi eva. i'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. i will pray that everything will be ok. love and hugs.

Mother returned
 

She left yesterday
And with many prayers
May she not give up
And not walk out
It is very far in distance
Close to a three hour ride
She should be there for a year
And then after care
Hope and a prayer
Me

I pray she finds the strength to stay this time Eva :hug: