810 days
 

DB is 810 days sober. How our lives have changed. I think for the better, I know for the better. His health which has been a roller coaster will get better as he decreases the sugar intake, but as his GP said sugar is better than a glass full of beer.

We had a bit of a moment the other day, he told me how he had told his Psychologist how crushed he was my operation hadn't been the success he thought it would be. I listened calmly while he went on about his disappointment & I said to him evenly, have you thought of how I feel. Now we've been told I had the operation, they couldn't complete it, I've endured all these complications and to boot, I can never bend or twist again. I can't even bend to feed the animals or pick my cat up. (I'm getting really adept at 1/2 squats though, just have to be mindful I can (& already have) fall flat in my back)

So I shared with him this photo someone from a chronic pain group I belong to had shared with me about this time last year. I thought it was appropriate. I think DB has read & taken on board life has changed, it's not ever going to return to what it was. I could point out the obvious, life changed when he stopped drinking, not because I suffered back injuries, I've suffered these back injuries since I was 16, I've broken it 4 or 5 times. But I don't say that, I don't say that at all.

Here is the photo..

A powerful picture it is. We can still do a million things when parts of our bodies fail. I had seen a similar one before BTW, a friend from the US who has lupus. People mean well, but sometimes you just need to show this and go "and now let's move on, OK?"

That is a great picture - I have printed it out and pinned on my noticeboard to remind me that some days are good and others less so with my clinical depression.

DB is so remote, it's like someone has flicked a switch off in him. The award presentation is this week, they fly to Sydney early Thursday morning, the celebration is in the evening & then they are staying on a few extra days to see the new drug dogs (arriving here in January). So I know he is under a lot of pressure. I don't see my being home as extra pressure on him, but perhaps I'm wrong? Or maybe I'm just being too sensitive because I'm feeling under pressure. I just don't know anymore.

I hope he can enjoy the celebration but keep a cool head. I can certainly understand your worry, but if I understood correctly you wouldn't be able to go with DB anyway? Take some extra me-time, try to recover a bit more.

Will be thinking of you both. :hug:

(and lots of puppy pics, please! ;) )

Pamela, it seems to me that you and DB have a great and mutually supportive relationship.

I reckon that DB will be fine in Sydney :).

And, as Wide-O said, please remember to look after you - not a selfish thing to do.

:hug:

Our marriage has imploded, he started drinking again last week, but since being home from Sydney 2 days none at all. Things have been said and done in this last week. I will try to get help for myself & perhaps he will join in with marriage counselling. But drinking ironically I could deal with, drunken infidelity not so much. I’m saddened beyond belief, for all the support I’ve given, it seems instead I’ve emasculated him.

The affair? The young girl I took in, I’ve spoken to the mother today, everything she has told us has been a lie all designed to garner DB attention, he has been taken for a fool and played like a fiddle superbly. Is he feeling sad here at home, you bet ya. Oh I should add, she went out and bought the viagra, the condoms, the booze, And all the rest

I’m trying hard to contain my anger, but I have let rip at him and her, particularly her when I threw her out & she tried to blame it all on him, don’t get me wrong, he is equally as guilty. Will we survive this - I don’t know. I always thought I’d leave on account of the drink not some 21yrvold drug addict.

I will see a counsellor to help process my grief, perhaps I’ll see things clearer, at the minute I want it all to go away & pick up where we left off. But that’s sticking my head in the sand, one thing I’ve never done is shy away from conflict or confrontation.

I may be weak and crippled with chronic pain, I may be in need of being in hospital (I discharged myself as I had suspicions) but I had the energy and strength to slap her when she confronted me and said I should be the one to leave.

I think perhaps after counselling I will see things clearer and leaving is truly the only option, no more having to worry about getting up at 4 to do his dogs, no more worrying about getting him to work. I told him you’ve made me this by asking me to do these things and then by not doing them yourself the animals suffered, same as bill payments I’ve paid all the bills because you couldn’t, wouldn’t, 2 yrs ago your Psych told you to take it over and you didn’t, I had to because we were getting late penalty notices. I can see I’m talking myself into seeing life without DB hanging off me could actually be a release. We’ll see, we’ll see.

Sorry to all those who thought we would make it, I guess we’ve become yet another statistic.

Post edit
We are booked in for couples counselling this Thursday evening. He seems keen to go??

I have no words of wisdom to offer you. I wish that I did.

What I do know is that you are a strong, brave and honest woman who has had to deal with more things in your life than most people have had to.

I hope that seeing a counsellor will help you to make the choice that is right for you.

I think about you a lot and for sure will keep on doing that.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Hey PJ, I can only repeat what kiwi said.

I have no wise words, I admire your strength and honesty, and I keep hoping for the best outcome possible. :hug:

Many hugs added. :hug::hug:

Contact
 

Admin, please delete this post if it’s too much TMI content. I’ve written it becuse it’s a part of DB’s journey mixed with mine as the person dealing with the acts that come with sobriety. Never at any stage did I realise support can be so misunderstood. Certainly my level of support will be changing dramatically if our marriage survives.

I established contact with the mother last night, every single little thing she has told us has been a lie. No incest, no 11 year old brother penetrating the 6yr old with the mother and father being aware. No uncle raping her, nothing she has said has been true.

The court case she went to, the one where her mother didn’t turn up to support her & the uncle allegedly got 33months.. Nope, it seems it was a case against her for assault and she was the perpetrator - not the victim!. She asked DB for $1000 to pay her court costs so she could get the victim support runiding, she told me it was $950 and my nephew found the letter saying $850.

Am I glad I’ve changed the locks to the house, you bet I am, have I told DB - that would be a no. He gains entry to the house via the garage, I haven’t had that lock chnaged yet, it will be the last to be done and at that stage I will tell him.

I confronted her with her mothers emails to me last night and sent them to DB as well, there were 4 emails in total, 2 in disbelief and apologetic, 2 so unbearably sad I couldn’t bring myself to even show DB. This poor mother has gone through hell with this girl. And now after this latest round of lies, she too says she can’t go on with trying to maintain contact with her.

I wrote and told her I want all the things DB has given her which I had paid for back, he as writing to her at the same time asking for them back. And while that was going on her mother was writing to me unburdening herself.

When I said it seemed she wanted my life, I get it clearly, she definitely did, she wore my clothes, my shoes, my underwear, my lingerie, my husband and she tried endlessly to coerce my delighted dog to go out the front with her, it is the one thing she couldn’t succeed in doing. My cats... the whole time she was here they refused to come inside, all four of them, 2 would come in and eat and race back outside. I threw her out Sunday and by Sunday evening the cats were inside, 2 of them are on the bed with me now, she he other 2 in the back living room. They must have sensed she was a witch. You know, she even went through all my old photos and had her hair cut exactly as mine was when I was 30 years old and married DB. I’m stunned, I thought it looked familiar - Exactly the same and even got the same colour. My nephew found one of our wedding photos in her bedroom. I’ve told my sister, she said there is a movie about something similar a girl moves in and takes on everything like the owner of the unit. It’s a horror story, I’m not sure what it’s called.

DB left here at 8am to go and get the items, he said he would return in 30 minutes, it’s been 45. I’m very conflicted, we are to have counselling tomorrow night. It could be that he is somewhere breaking his heart because she sucked him in, or perhaps she still at it trying to justify her actions & lies. But you know what, if her own mother doesn’t want a bar of her and he still can’t get that message then it’s his problem to deal with. Pathologically challenges people like her don’t change, if he does take up with her, I’d be sleeping with one eye open in fear of her attacking. We already know how handy she is with a razor bald after she spent 30minutes slashing her arm from wrist to elbow, over 100 cuts.

He was agitated last night and took 2 Valium, when I went to speak to him after he sent me a message obviously intended for her he got his usual aggro self and said I’ve taken 2 Valium the next step will be going to the pub. In the past I would have tried to soothe him, last night I just said yes, go for it, there the door, see ya. And I went to bed.

I’m sorry to give so much detail, admin, do delete if you feel it necessary. I just want to put the word out there what happens in movies really can come true. Am I frightened for my life, yes, actually I am. I’m disabled, I can’t run, Adrenalin can kick in and I can move swiftly for a minute or so but that’s it.

I feel sick to the stomach, my boss rang this morning, I’ve told him as I requested time off work. He asked me outright how much do you weigh Pammie, I said 53kg, stress does that to you. He’s told me to take the week off of work, completely he doesn’t want me to do a single thing.

I have a reasonable support network around me. DB has none, other than his Psych. His one friend he told because he was in Sydney when I found out and confronted him with it by FaceTime - wrote to him and said I’ll leave it to you and Pam to sort out. DB Psych told DB I needed to see a Psych on my own, I said that’s not how it works, you both go together. His Psych wrote to me with some suggestions, none of which deal with marriage counselling and she told DB if we both went to see her she would naturally take his side. So clearly he’s been whining and whinging about me for 3 years and all I’ve done is be here to support him, help him get through each day not to drink and not to lose his job. But allegedly I’ve emasculated him. Anyhow if he wants a life alone then so be it. Becuse alone he will be.

I’ve told my nephew - I needed him to pack all her stuff up and put it out the front door, my sister - her partner is changing the locks, my brother - Amy has been phoning him and talking to him, I confess at the time when she first told me I thought that’s really strange, why would you be doing that? So I told him to delete and block her. And I told my boss as I needed time off of work. Not one of them has said we’ll leave it to you to sort it out.

He’s been gone an hour now. I think I’m done. :mad:

He is home. Came minutes after I finished my above message.

She is allegedly going to take me for assault because I slapped her after she entered my house uninvited, just let heself in an waltzed down the passage way, didn’t even ring the doorbell. I said to her, I wouldn’t be coming in here, you’re not welcome, she said no you can leave and so I slapped her. She stayed inside my house for a good 30 minutes, she wouldn’t leave despite me asking her to go, I even said why are you hanging around while your friend is outside packing all your stuff, she left here without a mark on her face and carried one item. There was stuff left behind so she had to return.

When she returned to take the remainder items some 40 minutes after that. I went out and stood by the car, in fact I said to her, what no hug good bye, isn’t that what friends do, her answer was I think we’ve established I’m not your friend and so I walked up close to her and I said your absolutely right, get out of our lives and promise me you will leave us alone, she said I can’t promise that, If I want to talk to him I will. Now while I was that close I was looking in her eyes and at her face, there was not a single mark on it. She has pale skin. If there was any mark it will have been clear right from the get go.

I might have a temper but I’m confident everyone on here knows how sick I’ve been, do you really think I’ve got the strength to to hit someone hard enough to leave a mark. A mark that lasts from Sunday lunchtime to Wednesday morning. Clear enough to show DB when he went there to see her this morning.

I slapped her with my left hand, open palm. I’m right handed. She presented today to DB with a huge bruise on her eye. I said to DB if I hit her that hard, I would have a significant mark on my hand as well there are no marks on my hands and a bruise just would not last that long. I truly don’t have the strength to leave a mark. I believe myself she has created that bruise just so she could show DB. She then told him she had checked herself into a psych facility on Monday, I don’t believe that either, it’s not that easy here in WA to check into a facility and leave the next day. Yet another lie I believe.

He said to her, well it will be a bit hard for you to press charges against Pam, everyone knows how unwell she is, you on the other hand have just been done for assault.

I am horrified. I’ve never had this type of behaviour in my life at all.

I’m really not sure if I want this in my marriage, we will see what happens tomorrow night. I can see he is hurt and angry over all this, and while he can vent, he has said he doesn’t want me to say anything or it will make him angrier and send him to the pub. Yet again, I said, go ahead, I’m not your patsy or your excuse, I’m done with making excuses and tip toeing round, look what it got me, you’ve made me out to be some horror woman who controls your life when all I’ve done is support you. I don’t make choices for you, I’ve encouarged you not to drink yes, but there’s the door. Feel free to go. Everything I’ve done is to keep the house and you ticking over, people all over the world have told me to stop but I felt guilty and that you needed the support. No more. Grow your self a set and man up. Me, I’m going back to being a woman, one who is very sick at that.

Again admin I’m sorry to offload, if it’s TMI, please delete. NT is my go to. I can’t really have these conversations with my loved ones, if we stay together (if) ther is such a strong part of me that doesn’t want them to think poorly of him. Yes I’m a fool as well. :(

Pamela, I have spent a long time reading your last two posts. I am not ashamed to say that I cried at times.

It seems to me that she has very major psychiatric issues - her extensive self-injury (cutting) fits with this as well as all of her other behaviours. I hope that she can get psychiatric help but that is down to her and nobody else.

I am glad that your cats are back inside :). Cats are pretty smart - I often turn to my two when I am upset about something.

I would like to leave you with something from Maori. It is Kia kaha., which is very idiomatic but "Stay strong." perhaps comes close.

:hug: :hug:

I guess the saying goes once a liar always a liar. Even while telling me he is not in contact with her, he is. He forgets I have 25 years of knowing his tells.

It doesn’t pay to be supportive of a recovering alcoholic, not in a marital sense anyway. You get held responsible for every little thing.

I’m not sure what the point is now to see a counsellor. I’ve seen the messages this morning of their love for one another. He went to see her last night. I’m done.

Oh Pamela, no words but I am thinking and caring about you.

:hug: :hug:

Your not over
 

Dear sister
As a recovering alcoholic
Since 1992
Been in the rooms since 1990
I took myself in
Ya know one of those functional alcoholics
It was in 1992 when I began the work
It is not the you who did this
As many who are sober have sobering living
It is just the first step
Not picking up a drink
It is after not picking up when all the hard work comes into action
Now this just my experience
I have and many do not talk about what is called 13 stepping
That’s when persons come into a program and take advantage of a person who is at their lowest point in life and are involved in ways that are not suggested but happens
Infidelity a biggie
But most importantly it is the character defects that we then begin to change
I was pursued for 3 years that be Corissa’s father
He was supposed to have been divorced
Needless
Corissa understands recovery
She is a product of a recovering addict who doesn’t drink or drug
Not breaking aninimity
But in the end of this message
There are many addictive actions he still practices
Gambling sexing I was blind as Corissa was ill at three and a half months I had to concentrate on her
I was celebate for several years broke it with her father the only good thing about him was her
A horrible person in my view
But it is my experience with him a child we have together
Was not after his house business
Did it alone
Told myself
Been there did it done it with three babies to a man I was married yo who said to me after our third pregnancy
Are you breast feeding this one too
Selfish child my ex husband was
A big baby
Blessed to have divorced him at 24 with three babies
There is a point to my experience
OMG the characters that come out of an alcoholic and an addict
It’s just like anywhere else
You want to gravitate towards the truth and what others are doing in their lives living a sober life
Crap
I have been through things no child should ever have to go through thinking I was protecting my sister
And it took her to say to my mom who did not want us just a little plus
That I happened to her also
The defects that people harbor
THAT THE POINT
all the men in my life including in the rooms have many character
defects
He is defected
do you get it
It’s not you
He is lying to everybody around him
But can’t pull the wool over your eyes
You have his number
And when in the rooms
It is suggested
“If in a relationship marriage blah blah blah
And new in a 12 step program
And if not in a relationship not to get into one
Till a year of sobriety”
This a good recommendation
Know this PamelaJune
Not many have the nerve to talk about 13 stepping
Used as a pick up joint for many
And that’s the truth
They came after me like white on rice
Mind you and remember
All 12 step programs base on the original two brave men
God thank you
I am a greatful alcoholic addict
I have found a new way of living
And love who I am
CHARACTER DEFECTS
this is what one is left with
Two men and a Bible
He cannot use his drinking problems on you in anyway
And you cannot fix him
Just be there
And you were
Only to be squashed while becoming ill
It is not your fault he is who he is
Yuck
Shame on him for dumping in a sick woman who gave her everything
It isn’t easy to hear but it is the truth
Life is not always peachy
And you be surprised when you find out about the person who you lived with in your time together could and did what he has been doing for some time now
It is only you who will have to get to that place and only you can make that call if you want him back
Never to judge you either way
I myself give women credit having the grace of allowing them to stay with them
I myself had more than one experience after another
When I think and look back I would have given two only two men a chance today
To think how far they went to take me on with three children at the time
And two when I had my fourth child 17 from my eldest
The point to it all is
I found it isn’t just in the program that we look at our defects and work on them
It is only after some time did I understand what it meant when I heard
I wish the rest of the world has what AA MEMBERS have
I speak of those who really work the program
For me it runs parallel with the 10 commandants

My intent is to empower you
Uplift you
Hold you
Let you know your not alone
You matter
You are everything you worked hard to get to where you are
You are the woman who has been put through something
A selfish person hung on you
As you were and will always be the stronger one
You are not alone
I promise
You are not alone
But can empower others
And you kick butt with your doctors
And make them listen
Here for you
I’m sorry if I stepped out of line in anyway
Forgive me
Love
Me

No forgiveness required Eva, I understand entirely what you have said, and you nailed it. She is an addiction pure and simple. Thank you for breaking this through to me :hug::hug:

I think Eva nailed it indeed. Always knew women were way smarter than us guys. Seriously.

Dear friend
 

It is the honesty I admire and respect
The ability to keep who they are in check
And be the best they could be
I am no different from you
It is just my personal experiencesan
I respect when in company of men who try and be the best they can
real honesty is surety
And it feels good
It feels good
Thanks
Me

I saw a psychologist today, we are due to have our counselling session tomorrow. The counsellor asked us both to do a list of what we wanted to cover off. I had 4 points written - DB said he never does those things, it doesn’t come out how he wants to say it...

I read my 4 questions to my Psych today. She said to me, I’ve listened to all you’ve done for this man for the last 25 years, I’ve listened to how he has been absent in enormous periods of your life. So I suggest you ask just this one question.

Why on earth would I want to stay with a man who has behaved and treated me in this way.

She tells me I deserve more. He has not held up his end of the bargain in sickness and in health and it’s a blessing he’s going. Yes it’s going to hurt, but down the track you will look back on this as the moment the light bulb came on.

If he makes big changes within 6-12 months we’ll maybe it’s workable, but the way it is. No.

I’m seeing her again on Friday. I don’t know why he wants to go tomorrow unless it is to have a professional present to tell me how terrible I’ve been, someone in his corner who has listened to his moans off the last 2 years.

Having to stay in faith
 

Adversity in everyday
Depression stay away have no time for you
Not to let it get the better of me
It work
It’s hard work
Nobody said it would ever be easy
It isn’t a good feeling when one feels alone
It too is work
I am responsible for my happiness
I will not let depression set in like it wants to
I feel it creeping in
I must shut it down
It hurts so badly
16 pills in my day
I don’t want to take even one
But this is where my life is
A slave to the medicine
Without them I would pray to die
I would be lying if I said I haven’t prayed for that
But it isn’t over yet
Not here on earth
Theses thoughts in my mind
How do they get there
Why the ones that make me sad
Why can’t it always be in s good space
What am I afraid of
I’m afraid of the uncertainty of where I’m headed
It has always been difficult
I make it look easy for everybody
I just do
And in the end it is what it is
I need to snap out of certain moods that strip me of who I want to be
I want to be fun
Laugh
Do all the things I can’t
I stinks today just for now
Only for now
To cry it out just for a bit to hope the day gets better is my hope
To put a smile on someone’s face would make me happy
I have my little Eva who is asking me
Are you okay Mimma
How can I say no to her
I have to do my very best to make her day happy
I am responsible
Heavenly Father thank you for what I’m about to receive in my day
May I remember to always thank you
And never forget it is all in your hands
I trust you to take care of me so I can take care of them
Amen

Pamela, I hope that both the joint session and your meeting on Friday go well.

:hug:

So this will be pretty much the end of the journey.

He’s found his sobriety, (despite drinking last week, but the naltrexone takes away the craving and in drinking it doesn’t get the high he used to get) so he has his sobriety. The efforts I’ve put in to help him sustain and achieve sobriety have all been slapped in my face. I’ve emasculated him, I’ve not supported him, he’s resentful of me and has been unhappy for 2 years and wanted to leave. Now he’s found a younger woman who will do everything for him it’s time to leave.

This all came out at the counsellor and why I wanted to see his Psych because I knew then he couldn’t lie. She told me he’s been complaining about me from the time he started seeing her. His sobriety gave him a new lease on life and he wanted to be off doing things that I couldn’t do. Sure doesn’t sound like the man that lay on the bed for 20 hours a day and journey I’ve described in this journal. But hey he’s always been a good liar. I guess that has not changed. If he wanted to be off doing things it would have been wonderful if he’d got off his butt and done so, then I would not have had to have had the life sapped out of me trying to help him.

I can’t see any way back from this. I certainly won’t be pursuing him or helping him in any way at all ever again.

Dear lovely lady
All of it in YOUR time
All of it
Me

Great thoughts from Eva.

:hug:

Your time indeed, and your terms.

I'm reminded once again that, as humans, all we really have is honesty and integrity. When we start telling lies, or ignore the truth, we lose everything, including ourselves. And it often starts with a few small ones, to end up with a web that is just impossible to clean up.

And just to be clear, I am not referencing PJ here.

Let this thread be a statue for all us people with addictions out there. You can get help for your addiction, you can recover. But you can not recover from untruths.

Dear friend
So beautifully said
So simple yet so so deep in meaning
And let’s do salute
It is a cruel world
I so cannot imagine chasing lies
And how embarrassing for those when I call them on it
For some they are mindful
For other
Well let’s just say this
I have many acquaintances
And I can count on one hand those I trust
You are on the money
Sobering to many to live a life as such
It isn’t difficult
And I cannot for the life of me understand why one would want to chase falsehood
Wide-O
Sobriety is a good thing
I wish the rest of the world have what we have
Amen
Keep on trucking
Me

The final move will be Thursday. He will be gone from my life. Our beloved Bronson DD to the vets this Friday. Rainbow bridge crossing likely. And I will bear this in my own, ToBi DD will be gone with him all I will have left is my beloved Bono DD, also 12 same as Bronson, pining already as he notices the changes in our dynamics. The departure of DB ToBi and Bronson will be a huge blow to his little mind. He loves his mates. He will be lost with out them, as will I.

As ever, my thoughts are always with you.

:hug: :hug:

Finding me posted in General mental health & emotional support
 

I’ve grappled where to post this topic, it’s painful to me, but not like the chronic pain I suffer from. It’s depressing and while I acknowledge I have depression it’s about a journey from depression to living a full life again, and nor is it a topic for alcohol, addiction and recovery. Well it is, but it’s no longer my need to document his journey backwards.

So, I’ve opted for the forum General mental health & emotional support, I hope and pray NT’rs can continue to help me and offer support as I embark on this journey to finding me. I’ve used other forums on here and have always taken comfort in knowing I could turn to NT and it’s emotional support I need right now. I need to be able to write my journey and have advice and support from the community I turn to in need. I am need of emotional support. https://www.neurotalk.org/forum85/

I have no idea how to move forward in terms of making arrangements to be sure I am financially secure. And as I keep telling my family who tell me how easy it all is. I am still supposed to be in hospital, I am unfit and cannot bend or twist. I am emotionally ill, I’m suffering with severe depression and anxiety so my mental health is also unstable. I’m trying to work from home so I can at least have some semblance of income come in, I’m struggling to work and concentrate, I’m struggling with just living. Some days I eat, others barely anything at all. I have cared for this man for 25 years, I have put his needs before mine always, I was the good wife. Now I’m just a fool, discarded when I am at my weakest.

So I’m inviting you to join me on the other forum and share your experiences and advice as I move forward. I understand if it’s too hard a topic for some of you to join me on and if you are unable to do so, please know, the advice and love you have shared with me over these last 2 years will always be treasured.

Full circle
 

As predicted DB has succumbed, his will be a rapid fall from grace. He who is still basking in the glow of his award in November. I feel sad, but relieved he is not here.

As for his psych telling him she doesn’t think he has a problem with alcohol & his problem instead me, I have no pleasure in saying she was wrong.

He contacts me every day. This time, it is something he has to do on his own.

DB is suicidal. Everything indicative of 2011 repeat. I have asked him to phone me instead of messaging. I will suggest he go to rehab before he starts the new dog training. New dog arrives today. I will offer to take DD1 & care for him. I can do no more. The messages I get of late are sad, they mention he knows he has to sort himself out & he needs to be sober in order to move on from his current life. BO is a brilliant enabler. Her answer to his crisis is place another cider in his hands. I know she knows drinking will kill him. He is already vomiting & his stomach burning every day. I will put everything aside (not mention her or drinking) & try to get him to talk about his depression. His family are unaware we have separated & are in the UK. He has no one here.

I vividly remember being sceptical when my sister went through the exact same thing with her ex husband months after he left her. I remember saying why do you care, & her answer was as is mine. I’m all he has in this country & I have to be caring to save his life. I’m not doing what she did, her answer was to smother him & put her life on hold. Mine will be rehab. End of.

Pam, that is all very hard.

I think that your idea of asking DB to phone (not text) you is a good one.

Maybe (just a thought) face-to-face contact with him is another option?

:hug: :hug:

Tomorrow afternoon

Pam,

I agree, having a phone conversation will be much better than the messaging.

If db and BO are still together, this is going to be even more difficult for rehab to be an option. You can only do so much... But it's worth a try. BO may not enjoy this side of him and won't be around much longer.

So Miss BO was told to leave Wednesday, by Thursday threatening self harm, begging to stay to the end of the month. DB realised while telling me I was just not interested in hearing anything about her. I said again, I’m not talking about her or alcohol, I am concerned for your mental health. But, that said I do believe you will be able to think & see your future more clearly once she is gone from your life. I have said he can call me any time he likes. Surprisingly he looked calmer than when I last saw him. Perhaps telling her to leave is as he suggested “the first step he needed to take to sort himself out”. The new dog is quite small, bossy and cute and he’s been told when the 2nd one arrives next month, they have to be kept separate. Not sure how he will achieve that in his new abode, it’s not set up like we had here. Another thing he didn’t look into in his haze of lust.

I spoke with his psychiatrist, as I signed a contract with DB in 2015 his psychiatrist is still able to discuss minor things with me. I explained what has happened & he alluded to previous discussions with DB. Bipolar. He believes DB has been on a bipolar high (not sure if I mentioned last year while I was in hospital with BO urging DB quit all his medications other than the testosterone injections) and is now on the downward slide. DB has always resisted/ denied he has BP. Doctor has suggested I try to get DB to consider in-patient hospital rehab, even if it’s just the 14 day in-patient followed by the daily / evening group sessions. The same as he did in 2015 that then lead to him going to the “sister” rehab down South. Doctor agrees my approach is the safest. He asked would I consider DB living here again, I said not while BO is in the picture, I fear for my safety. But, if she is gone entirely from his life & he has lived on his own & if it becomes necessary he can stay in the back half of the house.

I will be putting my needs first & self preservation must be my priority. I could see DB looking at me yesterday- really looking at me. I believe he was surprised at how mobile I am and how good I actually look. I’m not referring to the recent cosmetic I doubt he would notice that. I mean my body and how I’m moving. I’ve lost 12kg & I’m able to get down on the floor with the dog and stand without any help. I think he realised yesterday what he’s lost.

Pam, it is great that you are putting your needs first and it is excellent to read about your healthy weight loss and increased mobility :).

I hope that, while it is his call, DB does spend some time as an inpatient to deal with his Bipolar. When I spent about a month IP there were other people there with a Bipolar Dx - having their medication adjusted as well as non-pharmacological approaches helped them a lot.

:hug:

And now his dad has been rushed into hospital. I can predict this month and the next will be full of recrimination, blame and angst. Dad has Parkinson’s & has been hospitalised for a “water infection” translate - urinary tract infection.

Actually dad is worse than just an UTI. He was found on the ground outside in the very inclement weather UK is experiencing. Had he not been found he would have frozen. Thank goodness for caring neighbours. Hypothermia, UTI and further complications. Not been released from hospital yet. At least the family members who haven’t spoken for years have started talking again. I pray this is not the trigger to lead SIL back to drink. It is hard not to care despite all that has happened.

In it all
An the progress you have made
Do not loose sight of your path in this all
You are taking care of you
Were he was unable to do the must important things a partner had committed himself when asking you to be his wife
And none of the credit is his
You found the strength you always had and are moving forward
I believe he may be bipolar myself included
I just haven’t fount the right doctor
Having to take a good look at some patterns I too may be
But that’s not the point as I go through this life I am responsible for the care I give myself nothing but I who wants to be better

You are looking at you for the first time in a while and you have made positive changes in your life mind and spirit it has begun to shine
Only you know what infidelity has done to you
It is not a excuse never forget that
And of course having an empathetic person it is in your makeup to want to help this is time for him to be by himself and figure out what’s going on with him
Just like you did for you
You know how to do things you have become your own
You can take a look at yourself and see what you can do for yourself and be even stronger and that is something you did for you and have come a long way in such a short time
More power to you
Now he must do the same
Time for him to take care of himself better himself so that if you should decide to reconsider and reconcile it be your choice to be honest about what he wants and what he has done
Life is so difficult
It is meant for us to be partnered up
Are we not
In the end happiness and the gift that many do not understand
It’s not the ring that represents commitment
It is the gift of honesty
The most precious gift one can give to another
May he find himself as you have
Love
Me

Pam,

With you planning to return to work in February was glad to learn your movement has improved. Hopefully pain issues are also improving.

Any new info on db and BO? Are they still together?