The only silver lining I can see there is that he most probably knows his resentment is totally unjustified and unfair. That won't make him feel better of course, but he'll know.

Doing some physical work in the house is a good way to work through a depression (for him, I mean). It doesn't cure it, but it does give you something to at least feel a bit good about later on. "At least I did XYZ.". He would also feel less guilty. It would ease tensions. He should try it. Not just me saying that, it's a part of CBT - not a miracle cure, but I found it to be helpful, both when I'm down, or when I'm in pain.

Pamela, I think that you have heaps on your plate right now with the house stuff.

I think that what Wide-O has suggested, encouraging DB to do a bit around the house, is a good plan.

It need not be much - baby steps are fine. That certainly helped me a lot when my depression was bad.

Pam,
I looked back and found my April 21st post saying something about the two of you working on this project together (updating, carpeting, painting, etc.) would be a good thing and help DB. Both of you seemed so excited, I really had hoped, as I am sure you did too, this would bring something positive to the relationship.

I understand the change in a relationship personally when I was originally healthy and now no longer am able to be the person I once was before pain, surgeries, etc., became a part of my life. Lack of compassion is difficult to endure on top of dealing with all of this.

It's like a surprise when mentioning even needing extra help (hold hand/arm or stay close or even look back to see if I'm still behind you when in a crowd (Church). Hubby has to know from experience; if I fall; I can't get up on my own. People can accidentally bump into you; they don't see the cane in a crowed area. I have fear of going down (I did in a restaurant a few years back; needing two people (he one of them) to lift me under each arm to get back on my feet).Manager (before I could stop him) called 911; ambulance, fire dept. showed up; I was so embarrassed.

Sorry to digress. The remark you made about not being who you once were and the difference unwell causes in a relationship kinda "hit home". (Both of us were widowed when married 17 years ago.

I feel badly with all you are going thru yourself and then doing all this extra work with little, if any, help.


Gerry

My dear sister
Resentments as they resurface in different forms
Thinking they have been worked through is frustrating
You my dear dear empowered loving human being are on your own road to recovery
Do you get me
We all have our pains growing up
But as you said
It was all out on the table
And I applaud you for the strength of having to deal with a difficult matter that does affect another
However
You are not alone
You have a community
A fellowship if you will
Who are here to help you through this very very frustrating difficult time that affects you too
And you made the decision to go through it with him
Again I applaud you in everyway
And you will get things done with or without his help
And one day
Maybe
One day he will feel ashamed of the struggles you are suffering in everyway
You are still "Wonder Woman" add to that "bionic woman" who makes things happen if must
Make NO mistake
I so understand
As everyday things that happen to go through another day
What do I mean by that
Like making the bed when one gets up
You know the everyday routine that makes both your world go round
Things that must be tended to
Feeding the dogs
Here goes the water works
I miss my baby boy
And sure things can be done half butt
And that's not who you are
Because you love
And you are a smart awesome wife having to go through your own crap
You still "DO"

How about we all celebrate you
How about we all hug you and remind you the added sacrifices that you have given up for your love for your love
How about I remind you that you are loved and we will continue to love you through everything we know you are going through as I and sure others feel and understand your "resentments"
But most importantly you matter as God is in your entire being
You could have walked away
But did not
And are to be reminded
You must take care of you while you get done what needs to be done and in the moment hug yourself for the jobs he should have done to help "YOU"
Maybe
Just maybe
After all that is said and done
He will feel your empowerment and be shameful of his selfish behavior of someone who isn't the same person not by your choice with the added stress that KILLS
There is a reason for everything we are going through
As hard as it is understand
Remember who you have in your life that is constant
And that be Heavenly Father
You matter
You are stronger in other ways as physically you have been altered and still push through your day
I am holding you
And am sure you can do it for you
As resentments are going to happen
Hold on and don't let go
God is good
And you are a wonderful wife and love the dogs
May their unconditional blessings give you what I know they have to offer
Let's celebrate PamelaJune and all you have been through
I love you
We love you
God love you
The dogs loves
And the list goes on
So so much for resentments
Not today
Me

Because this applies to me after 25 years
 

resentments: dear PamelaJune here is just a little example how I have to deal with early morning rise
I don't look back at time accumulated
But instead to keep that time going on
I stay in the day
Some may not agree
That's okay
As my two younger girls have made meetings everyday for the last five days one day made two
My son also attending the rooms
And this morning i found myself in a hard to explain place
Both my girls sleeping while I get up to get Eva ready for school and the next thing I hear
"We're making a meeting tonight"
"It's my home group"
I just broke down

Why

Resentments surfaced
I had to remind both my girls why

Why

Since my physical state has deteriorated to the point I am only comfortable driving (and this is only in my town)
Fused I need to be very careful
And my homegroup meeting is Sunday morning 9:00 AM
NOBODY to offer to watch Eva so I can slowly get myself down there
The utter insensitive behavior is not fair
And I still have to do
What drives me nuts is the idea that my belongings are taken without asking me is a big NO NO and that's not okay

Over and over again I ask my daughter not to touch my belongings without my permission
I don't even think it registrars
That's how out of control it has become
She can ask her dad for money to get her nose pierced a second time
cuz that trumpet what was priority not shopping
And do I have to swallow this
Resentments have begun to happen when I still have to do the laundry dishes vacuuming wiping the floor get the laundry done and make sure we have detergent to do it
And what do you think I hear from my granddaughters mother this morning
I was getting upset and began to cry on my way to the meeting
As both my youngest made a meeting
Frazzled because she cannot do the same
Well someone has to do it
Right
Or I then live like a sloppy person
That's not who I am
Even as sick as I am
Really
Really
Frazzled with the few things that I needed her to do
And the other one was all about her new piercing
And I'm like take a deep breath
This too shall pass
And I won't let them pick a fight with me
Oh heck yes my resentment surfaced by the utter self absorbed attitude today
So I will just do
And pray
Me

DDdog#4 is going well in training, indicating and learning the complexities. Still to early to tell & the other dog in training got the sack on Wednesday, she nipped someone. So it's high stress for both the boys with now needing to source another dog, deal with the upset of Dixie not working out & the possibility of DD#4 not being successful as he barked aggressively at a stranger. It needs to be trained out but apparently is one of the reasons Labs are usually more successful. DD#4 is a white shepherd. Hi ho the life of a DDO... anyway, good news given the stress he's under & is currently working 6 day weeks, he's going to the gym every day after work and I've not smelled anything since. Whether he lapsed I'll never know, he asked me this week how many days it was, I said 665 days since he was drunk (didn't say the sober count 527). He seemed happy with that and I guess that's all that really counts. The new carpet is in, the painting is still happening and all the curtains, drapes and blinds taken yesterday for cleaning and where necessary small repair (kitten claw marks to curtains & drapes). So we're still sleeping in the garage with his car alongside us. I find it hilarious but surprisingly warm given its winter and yesterday at 4am it was 1.3, our coldest night so far. :eek:

Half off topic: I have a book called "Soldier Dogs" about dogs trained and used in combat. Moving, interesting, astonishing. Until recently, dogs were deemed "army materials", so were almost never shipped back from the war zones to the US, but that changed after much protesting, and now they can be adopted via a very rigorous program. Same author wrote Secret Service Dogs, but I haven't read that one yet. Talked with the author once on Facebook, very friendly woman.

One of the things that comes up is that Labs, even though they have incredible stamina and bite force, can not be trained as combat dogs. They just lack the aggression, and become loony if you (try to) force them. They truly are (unless mismanaged) incredibly into humans - all humans.

We have two, and I can only confirm that. They each produce 3 to 4 barks a week max (when something happens at the front door and they can't see what). Slightly more now, as the oldest is completely deaf and very very slightly demented at times. But she's having fun, eats like a puppy, so she'll have a full 14 years on this earth soon - which is pretty decent for a Lab (usually get to about 12 yo).

I do worry for the younger one though. He's 11, and was adopted by her after about 0.3 seconds in the house. They have been inseparable since, and we still have to witness the first "argument" between them (not even a grunt, nothing).

As for the other pets, the cats just love them both and want to constantly lie next to/on top of them. :D Even the parrot - who came late in their lives - doesn't pose a problem.

The neighbours have said a few times they keep forgetting we have dogs, as they never hear them. It's a big family there, constantly people coming and going, but the dogs know exactly who's who and don't blink an eye.

Anyway, like I said, off topic, but it does confirm the Lab thing. ;)

The 3 successful ones we have are Labs, but along the way there have been 2 unsuccessful Labs. The other DDO has had 2 labs. So in all 7 rescued Labs and all trained to be DDDogs, 5 successful and the other 2 rehired to living officers. But, the digs usually retire at 8, our 2 older boys are now 11 and won't live much longer DD#3 is 6 coming on 7 he will retire in 18 months so we need a new dog trained. The other DDO his DD#1 died 2 yrs back, she was our DD#1 mother. His other DD#2 needs to retire very soon hence the high need for replacements and the training. Like I said it's a hi ho stressful life being a DDO. They all get defence service medals on 5 yrs service. It's really quite cool.

DD#4 not progressing beyond what he's achieved. He can do it, but he seems to have little drive. As in, he gets bored & can't be bothered. Beginning to look like he won't make it past this Friday. A tough week we have!
I went to GP yesterday, have found a lump. Need mammogram & ultrasound, in my favour, it hurts. 9/10 when it hurts it's not usually anything beyond the usual lumps & bumps we women find.
DB had his arterial scan, all good but radiologist said he must go back & see GP about the muscle in his calf, it's still not healed & needs to be addressed.
Of DB last rehab group, only DB has maintained a longer term sobriety, others have lapsed, recovered, lapsed and then completely relapsed. Yesterday sad news one has taken his life on Monday - while back in BRC rehab. Not good, not good at all. Many reminders being dredged up, funeral next week. Most of DB group going to try and go.
Yes, a very tough week.

A weeks reprieve for DD4 with a new owner to be sourced. He's very popular and well loved amongst the officers and many a bid has gone in for him. The best owner, home, companion and opportunities will be the one. A girl with another shepherd is leading the race. Sad days ahead. The Governor came to watch DD4 plodding along on the lead to seek out the "find" and said "he seems ok, he found what you've hidden" DB agreed but then said now watch DD3 in action who is 8 yrs of age. DD3 zoomed past the "find" at full pace off lead, his body quivering with excitement, then the Governer saw him visibly lift his head, hit the 4paw skid, he was going so fast he he skidded at least 2 metres, spin on a dime, race back to the "find" sit and put his nose on it.

The funeral is on Wednesday, many will be thinking there go I but for the grace of God. I met him while he was sober at the end of DB rehab, I can't bear to think what his loved ones are going through. I know through all his time they will have expected the call but to get it when he's down in rehab must be searingly painful to the soul.

Last year at my annual mammogram; a lump left side was seen deep on back wall. Have been getting mamo/ ultrasounds every 4 -6 months. They do not feel it is malignant but will keep watch. Hopefully all is good with you.


Gerry

That's a lot on your and DB's plate. Suicide... there is no logical way to process, to react. It just hurts. Can't imagine what he was going through - although maybe I can a little bit.

Rehabs are like a micro-cosmos, but still very much like real life. People with hope, fear, dread, depressions, humor, desperation... people making up with family or falling out ... there's always just that added axe of relapse and fear of never being free on top of it all, a fear that exists both in the alcoholic and his loved ones. The feeling of being a failure - even though people are telling you you are not. Your brain getting constant jolts from both heavy drinking and sudden sobriety.

When I went in I was allowed to bring my guitar, but I later learned that in many rehabs they are not allowed. Not because of the nuisance, but because of the risk of people using those strings to ... Apparently, it is not uncommon. :(

Wishing you strength for the coming week.

Pamela, I really really hope that your lump turns out to be innocent.

As ever, Wide-O has offered you wise thoughts about suicide. This is not about me but when I was in therapy for both alcohol abuse and clinical depression I had times of suicidal ideation (no attempts).

I hope that DB can process the suicide in a way which works for him.

I am thinking about you both :hug:.

We are still sleeping in the garage, definitely no signs of DB drinking. The refurb is ongoing inside and out. I moved limestone bricks last Sunday morning to create a garden bed barrier to prevent the dogs digging, I have to say I've paid for it daily since with pain. DB will cement them in sometime in the next ten or so years. We have to move lots of furniture this weekend, the great room starts next week and presently has 4 couches, dining table, buffet and chairs along with all our clothes, bedding and lots of other odds & ends. I'm not looking forward to it at all. Will be a huge relief to go to the football tomorrow evening, fingers xd our team wins....

Sorry, but I had to giggle. :D

Refurbs are very stressful. I had learned that before I attacked the house here. The way I did it was to work during the day when she was out working or on business trips, and then put everything back - as much as possible - so that everything would be "livable" when she came home. That was a bit more work, but it forced me to plan, to move on with it, and it avoided the feeling of living in a war zone.

I remember documenting it all with pictures on some forum. It went like "Empty kitchen, put in now flooring, put everything back, all in one day. Empty again, install new drywall ceiling, put everything back. Empty, paint ceiling & walls, put everything back."

Looking back at it I'm not sure I would have the energy to go through all that again. :eek:

For the dogs, we had to put in "strategic" wooden fences, so we could control more or less where and when they had access. I did this after I once was cleaning the pond filter, walking with the dirty filter material to the cleaning place, slipping over a huge dog turd, ending up in a bush being covered in fish & dog poo. It sounds funnier now than it actually felt. ;)

Our team lost, such a close game, 26 seconds left on the clock and they goaled. They scored a win by 3 points on our home ground. 👏 That's the sound of waving our season goodbye.

Electrician comes today, while we move furniture. A fun morning ahead .....

DB went for his 6 monthly check on testosterone levels with his men's health doctor, the 10 day regime seems to be working with good levels sustained. His bloods showed something that the Dr said they will need to monitor closely but DB can't remember what!

His Barrett's is playing up as well, causing him a lot of pain so he's talking about alcohol on and off. Little things - maybe a port or brandy will fix it, maybe a beer. On Saturday when I'd had enough of the comments I said if it's what you really want to do, although if I recall correctly the GP said alcohol will exacerbate the condition. It's a choice only you can make.

The Camparal doesn't seem to be helping with the cravings much, but I don't know enough about it. He's talking about changing to Rexia which is just 1 tablet a day and not 6 as it is with Camparal.

In my experience - both from rehab and from 5 years on alkie forums - Campral kinda works if ... you believe it does. All staff from rehab were formal: you can get it if you want, but we don't really think it helps much. You certainly can't rely on it to stay sober, that has to come from another place. During my time, only 2 out of 52 took it. And both relapsed during their stay.

What I'm saying is, but I'm sure you know: he is making his staying sober depend on external factors, like Campral, like you saying "no, a Porto would NOT make it less painful". Somehow, he needs to be able to make that switch in his own mind.

If an alcoholic is thinking "maybe one beer will ease the pain", even as a faint fantasy, there's nothing even a 100kg dose of Campral can do. The lizard part of the brain feasts on it. "YAY! IT'S BEING CONSIDERED. HMMM, BEER!", like a dumb but very persistent version of Homer Simpson. The rational part of the brain needs to shut it down immediately. It needs to be deleted as being an option. As much as it may bring some relief for 10 minutes, there's decades of pain (if you are lucky...) and paying for that first beer lying ahead, and that's 100% certainty. He really needs to learn to play the tape forward, think about the situation after that first beer (needing a second beer to keep the pain away, a third because it's starting to hurt again anyway, so let's drink a bit quicker, and what about tomorrow morning, when increased pain will be accompanied by horrible guilt/hangover/zero days sobriety). Tomorrow morning always comes. I'm so glad I drank yesterday, said no alcoholic, ever.

For me, in the first 2 years, "playing the tape" really worked on the odd day that I felt a sudden stirring of the beast. If done immediately, it doesn't even develop into a real "craving". It's more like catching out a stupid thought before speaking out loud. "Oh look, the station is moving!" "Um, no of course not, the train is, dummy!" is what you think .15 second later. You can not avoid that stupid thought, it jumps into your mind. But you can catch it.

Even if it still LOOKS like the station is moving after that, you ignore it, and go "oh, you silly brain!"

So... play the tape, and immediately go do something else, distraction, eating something, anything. When you get good at this, the stirring doesn't even last 15 seconds. Your brain will learn how you cope, how you change your behavior, and it will get easier, almost automatic.

He should not rely on you to keep him from doing it. And "vocalizing it" doesn't work, if anything, it makes it more persistent. It makes it a thing. "What if she says: 'sure, a beer, you deserve it with all your pain'?" Lizard brain doing push-ups at that point, and if you'd do a CT scan, you would see a drooling brain.

"Maybe she'll get mad, so then you really need a drink!" lizard brain continues.

It's totally OK to talk about it after it passed, to let your partner know you had been going through a rough moment. We all need some support, someone to acknowledge that it's not easy. It's not OK to use it as a pointed gun the moment it is happening. That's blackmail.

Hope you don't mind the harsher words. Again, we know how hard it can be at times, we have been there, we still deal with it today. It's not meant as disparaging. But he needs to own his sobriety. From one alcoholic to another. If it would help, feel free to read this post to him - it's me talking, not you.

Pamela, adding to Wide-O's great insights.

I play chess at a local leagues club.

When I was in the early stages of dealing with alcohol abuse I had one light beer with my meal and then played my chess game (which I won).

I reported this to my psychiatrist the next time I saw him and asked what he thought. He said that maybe in five years that might be OK but not yet.

I took his advice - that was ten years ago and I have not had anything to drink since, mainly because I really really do not want to be in that dark place again.

Sorry if this comes across as being sanctimonious (not my intention) but maybe this part of my story might help DB.

Not offended by any words here, harsh, pointed intended or unintended, I write because I need the help of others. And everything you lovely people say / share I mull over and adopt wherever / whenever possible. I'm only too well aware I'm not perfect and living with me and my crappy health is not easy on DB so I'm always mindful of what I say to him when he is in the throes of talking about alcohol. Which of late has been often. I try to remain quiet, ignore it or I change the subject, he keeps pushing and pushing saying what do you think Mrs E. I realise the way I typed the message it looks like it all happened in one passage of conversation. It didn't. It was much later when we were home and I had asked him what was wrong and if I could do anything differently to continue to provide him with support. His response was I'm just a sore loser. Later, I gently told him how his constant questioning of me about alcohol made me feel uncomfortable and how I feel it puts me in a compromising sitatuation where I feel I'm dammed no matter how I respond.

I can't deny a small part of me feels his recent talking of alcohol and pushing is his way of trying to engage me in a conversation so he can come clean and admit he lapsed. I guess it's why I made the comment drinking will exacerbate the condition. The medication he initially needed to manage the pain of his Barrett's and stomach while ceasing drinking hasn't been required for over 18 months, now he's back on it in the morning and the evening. Also, he is one of those who suffers with the burps. Every time over the years when he tried to give up drinking, I would know because he burped incessantly. Burping constantly returned after that recent weekend away and only in the last 2 or so weeks has ceased but his stomach was burning this weekend and I worry he did lapse and has done damage. While he may not have had enough to appear impaired, he may well have been having a few shots daily for a short period. We were told it wouldn't take much to exacerbate his condition. I don't know, and I won't know, I never will unless he tells me. He is a good man, we know he has his demons, but don't we all. I wish I could be a better healthier person. If I was well maybe he would feel he could confide in me.

DB has just phoned me on his way home from work, he is late, he's witnessed a car accident and the ambulance has had to come. The injured man has an old dog and no one is able to take it, the poor man was stressing in the ambulance. So guess who's coming to dinner. An old dog called Ruby is coming to us for an overnight stay or more until the mans girlfriend can come collect her. See DB has a heart of gold. 5 dogs tonight, 4 cats and I've just been told by the painters dont let any of the animals in the house as the doors are all wet. DB says she's old and can't go outside so Ruby will be sleeping in the garage with us. I think there a mouse in there too, I heard scratching and the painter and I moved a few things and found mouse poop. I can't say I'm happy about it, quite the opposite. Maybe Ruby coming will be a good thing, she can scare mr mouse away.

Sure, a post is always a static simplification of a dynamic complex situation. I often find myself thinking I didn't explain myself all that well, things have moved on, choice of words didn't translate well, I should have mentioned xyz etc. As long as it's clear we are all just trying to be supportive and honest while thinking out loud it's all good.

Gonna be an interesting garage-night though! :D

My son
 

As he feels once again he does not need meetings and the tools that are offered not to mention they too are where he is or was
He does not want me to support him into getting the help I know first hand it's been over two decades now a greatful recovering alcoholic I am
What he wants to hear me say I believe him
All I could say was
Until you throw in the towel and stop trying to do it "your way"
Know I am here when it gets you
He is not speaking to me again
Not a thing I can do about it
Wide-O hits the nail on the head operative word "honesty"
It's the only way
The only way
I am brutally honest
And he doesn't want to hear it
On the sidelines whenever he's had enough before he kills himself
This society I have found has a huge problem with the "truth"
Me

We're still sleeping in the garage, painting nearly finished and then furniture moving again to get it all where and how we want it, plus have the curtains and blinds returned. I hope they come up as good as they say they have. Mind you we have become strangely used to none...

DB witnessed a terrible car accident right in front of him, another car ran the car off the road from the right lane into the gravel (median strip) DB was in the left lane and about 50 mtr behind. The car hit the gravel and spun 3 times across the highway to the left, hit the left side gravel and flipped 3 times. DB was first on scene then others arrived. DB in uniform took control, gave directions and a small younger lad managed to reach in and turn the engine off. Initially they wanted to break the window but DB could see the dog in the car. The man was very shook up and not with it, so they couldn't get him to turn the engine off and there was oil or something dripping from the engine. They then managed to get the window open a bit more, the lad climbed in and handed the dog out. The ambulance arrived, they righted the car up onto its side and the man got out. Very shook up, about 50ish. No one else could take the dog so we had her until 10pm when the mans father arrived from a fair distance away. Poor shook up old poodle, pining and crying dreadfully. I got her some food n drink, took her out for wees & poos twice which she did and then finally I put Bronsons old coat on her, it swamped her but settled her right down. She didn't seem hurt but will have to have been flung around in the car. An old girl like our old terrier Max (lived to 20) with lots of lumps on her, but when the mans father Bob arrived she wiggled in his arms happily and licked his face. Poor little girl. I'm glad we could take her, provide her with a safe environment while her owner assessed. Apparently he's still in so his dad said today when I rang to see how they both were. If anything would make DB drink that would have to be it. He didn't and hasn't. I'm really proud of how level headed he can be and how strong he is being.

Pamela, that is really great that DB dealt with such a hard situation so well :).

And today DD4 has been handed on to another home. DB took him after work to a lovely lady who has 2 shepherds already, 1 the same age and the other 10. They all hit it off so DB left him there. I didn't think I'd cry but I am, and DB is quite upset as well. He had really bonded with him. So we have 7 months now until another young one arrives. Next time it will be a different breed altogether. 9 months old. It's already born and is being socialised first before it comes. This will be the first time they've got a dog specifically bred and sourced. A few tough weeks ahead as we miss our boy but it's how it goes. It's like one slap after another at the moment.

Good one Pam
 

One slap after another
October 29 2116 my baby boy left us from this world
I still miss him hard
Can't stop the tears just thinking about him
Having the dogs around Pam is work
But the unconditional love you get in return
I can still see his face
Waiting for his food or pressing up against me when he slept
Miss him so
Me

No words Eva ❤️

So I'm in a different hospital, on Friday an ambulance took me to government hospital and they gave me the bums rush much to DB horror. They were so rude and nil compassion. The ED doctor discharged me and when a nurse queried it she said loudly, she's got her drugs she can manage from home. On Saturday my condition deteriorated considerable so my mum and DB took me to a private hospital where I was admitted within 2 hours, given morphine and medazolam and not made to feel like a drug addict.

I've written notes from my RPH experience and when I'm better I'm going to actually complain. No one, no-one ever should have to go through what I went through and be treated so appallingly. When they discharged me they refused to get a wheelchair, despite the fact I could barely walk, there will have to be cc footage of me being dragged struggling down a 100yard passageway sobbing and then taken out to the front lobby waiting area and dumped into a hard solid gray plastic chair where I sobbed even further. The nurse then went to triage nurse and said you can ignore her she waiting on her husband. She didn't even get me a tissue. DB came in the doors and was shocked to see me sitting there.

Anyway, they took me to SJOG Murdoch yesterday and the difference was unbelievable, they got a bed, made sure I was comfortable and explained they have sourced a surgeon to see me on Monday.

DB very stressed, he saw the GP on Friday morning, he's been told tmavoidnatress wherever posssible, and is having his colonoscopy on the 20th July at the same time they will look st the Barrett's andnassessmifmtiwmgriwn ir anything. DB thinks it has.

I can't go to the football today :( so he's taking a good workfriend who doesn't drink. Will be nice for him to go to a game without me for a change.

Pamela, that sounds awful.

It is good that the private hospital treated you in a civilised way - I hope that things on Monday there work out well for you.

:hug:

Sounds like you have been through a private hell there. It's amazing how rude some of the medical staff can be, and by the sound of it, the atmosphere in that whole hospital must be utterly toxic. :mad: So yes, you have to formally complain (after you feel a bit better).

Try to rest a bit and let the stress flow out for a while. And feeling like an addict is not a good way to look at it: dealing with intractable pain has nothing to do with addiction, it's about hanging on to dear life.

Hang in there.

This is nothing to do with alcohol and addition recovery, but I imagine it something many will have faced. I'm reliably informed, and in fact it's something they are working hard on here in my home town at the moment. There is a moment in time when an addict says I need help. If they were looking for that moment in this dialogue below than I'm afraid to say they've failed badly before they've even commenced. I've recorded it, because I truly do intend to do something with it. I'm now 6 days post this event, I'm still hospitalised within a private facility and they've just had to do some nuclear imaging as they fear there is seriously wrong with a 1/2 pedicle screw that's been left behind in my spine since 1994.

Here the story in its whole glory; I apologise upfront if I offend anyone. Please note, my own mother trained at this facility 68 years ago in 1949, my sister began her training there in 1971 and was the last intake of combined hands on patient/ combined with lecturing. Prior to her training it was all hands on learning;

1. Paramedics called to home, I was collapsed on the bed in the garage and couldn't move, I was sobbing hysterically and in severe pain. DB and my colleagues who took me home from work insisted on calling an ambulance.
2. On examination I told the paramedics I'd had three falls in the last 12 months twice caused by big dogs, one I had severe abrasions and broken / dislocated middle left knuckle / finger which I put back in myself, the remainder falls I slipped on a wet floor in laundry or over the dog on the wooden floor
3. I told paramedics I've been moving heavy furniture due to house refurb in last month.
4. I told paramedics I'd moved heavy limestone bricks to create a garden bed 2 weeks ago
5. Thursday the queen size mattress and frame fell back against the wall from the middle of the room taking me with it and me landing heavily against it but no actual fall as such. I had to move and straighten up a very heavy base and mattress and re-site them from middle of room to closer to wall to prevent another fall. They were very heavy to move on my own.
6. I told them I suddenly developed a struggle to control my bladder & will wet myself if I don't go as soon as I have the urge. This is a new sensation. Post having had epidurals earlier this year, these will be well worn off by now. I explained on Thursday morning on arising from bed in the early hours I had wet myself involuntarily.
7. The paramedics tried to insert a canula for pain control but couldn't get a vein, they gave me instead the green pipe thing to suck/ inhale.
8. Arrived at ED, paramedics handed over all the detail I had told them and suggested I get something for my pain quite quickly as they were unable to control it in the ambulance.
9. Paramedics also told the nurses I needed to go to the toilet & I was worried about incontinence.
10. So from the moment I arrived I spoke to the nurses & told them I needed to go to the toilet as when I get the urge I'll wet my pants if I don't go. I explained this is new, I've had it previously after epidurals but I've had none since early April. I went to the toilet 3 times while in ED. I told the nurses I wet my self getting out of bed early Thursday morning the day before
11. I told the nurses my right leg kept buckling when I was walking, I said it won't hold me up
12. I said I have temgesic and oxynorm at home, it's not controlling the pain, this is not my normal chronic pain it's something new and it's acute. I've had to come to hospital for help because I can't control this at home with the medication I have and I feel there is something really wrong.
13. The nurse was very compassionate she said she'd get the doctor as she believed I would need a canula so I could get IV pain relief. She also said I'd have to have an X-ray to see what was going on.
14. The ED doctor arrived, she told me (repeatedly) ED aim is to control and minimise patients pain so they can go home. I asked her outright, are you suggesting I should go home. She said well you have plenty of drugs there so why not.
15. The ED doctor reported on the discharge letter 5mg oxynorm given in ED I said had provided relief. I queried this and told the administrator - The nurse asked me if it had and I said no it hadn't. It's definitely not true, it provided no relief at all. I would have said if it did.
16. The ED doctor was angry when I said I can't take Voltarin, I explain it causes terrible high solar plexus / stomach pain & I get enough pain with all my bowel obstructions so I've been told Not ever to take ant inflammatory drugs.
17. ED doctor said well you can have Celebrex, I said no, I'm not allowed that either; she got angrier still & rolled her eyes when I said I'm not allowed Celebrex, both my father and I were told not to take it. I think it had something to do with the heart but I can't remember it was so long ago. I didn't say it as a tablet I'm allergic to as I'm not, it's in the same category of anti inflammatory tablets, I've just been told not to take them but I'm not allergic as such.
18. I said I'm allergic to omnypon it makes me swell, turn pink and itch, maxalon makes me lactate (another eye roll) tramadol makes me projectile vomit and elastoplast itches and when removed leaves a mark that looks like an angry burn.
19. I asked if I was going to have an X-ray the ED doctor said no there is no need to and she doesn't think I have a fracture, it's just my chronic pain condition and I need to see my specialist not attend ED.
20. The ED doctor walked away and minutes later a man came to take me for X-ray, I think it was arranged by the previous ED doctor or nurse before she went on handover.
21. I had the scans, I got told I have a 6mm spondylolisthesis on L5, it also looked like the 1/2 pedicle screw left behind may have moved some, no doubt both of them causing the pain.
22. I returned to the ward and the ED doctor arrived, she angrily discussed oxynorm and she said she would only give me a short supply, when I said I don't have enough at home, like only 3 left, she said she couldn't give me anymore, I said that's ok I understand, she reappeared with a discharge letter which said discharged with IR oxynorm & IR buprenorphine script. I queried this discharge letter with one of the nurses because the ED doctor had come to me and said here is a script for short supply 10 tablets buprenorphine & I'm to take 1or 2 every 4 hours. I showed the nurse the discharge letter and said this needs to be corrected if I need the oxynorm my doctors won't give it to me as it says here you have given me a script and you haven't, they will think I'm a liar & won't give me a script for oxynorm.
23. ED doctor then told me abruptly there is no obvious fracture so I can go home, the purpose of ED is to treat & minimise pain. She has said this 4 times. It was obvious I was exasperating her. I was discharged in as much, if not more pain than when I arrived. The nurse looking after me was due to go on his break he said he will tell the ED doctor I need a wheel chair to get out, it's too far for me to walk when I couldn't even walk to the toilet without collapsing or crying.
24. So the time came for me to leave, I asked a nurse to help me dress as I couldn't do it myself, I asked where was the wheelchair the other nurse said he'd get for me. I was told ED doctor said I don't need one and I'm to walk and move as much as possible. I was discharged in severe pain and agony down a narrow corridor where it looked like they had all their ER stock stuff. I was made to walk to the waiting room over 100 yards unaided without a stick or wheelchair, hanging onto the wall with every step and just a young thin nurse holding my arm. We came through to the waiting area & I was told to sit & wait for my husband in the hard grey chairs by the sliding entry door. I was just left there sobbing not even an offer of tissues.
25. The nurse who had accompanied me then went over to the triage nurse and loudly told the triage nurse to leave me alone, I'm there waiting for my husband. I felt that was unnecessary unless she was implying just ignore me. (Which the triage nurse then did despite me crying).
26. DB arrived and was shocked to find me in the lobby, he had to virtually carry me to the car. Triage ignored us and no offer of help.
27. I feel as if I was labelled a chronic pain patient with a history of medical interventions and I was attention seeking and at most more or perhaps better drugs. I was shocked when the the ED doctor rolled her eyes in exasperation when I said I can't take Celebrex.
28. The nurses all thought I should have a canula put in for pain relief, so did the paramedics but the paramedics tried and couldn't get a vein. The ED doctor didn't think I needed it at all, she offered me Panamax and on discharge told me to take Panamax every 6 hours and the the nurse who walked me out told me to walk as much as I could sitting or standing still wasn't doing me any favours.

Just as an extra point to note, I was collapsed sobbing on my bed at my home unable to move when the ambulance was called. There were 3 people who witnessed that along with the two paramedics.

I feel my whole experience in ED at RPH was humiliating, being made to walk out as I did sobbing for over 100yards trying desperately to hang on to the wall with every step, my hair all over the place, tears and snot running down my face & then just left there completely on my own in the cold draft of the opening sliding doors. I genuinely believe I was being made to feel like I was there just for drug seeking as a chronic pain patient. As a 56 year old, I have never ever been treated so appallingly.

The ED doctor told me to see my pain Mgt specialist or my doctor on Monday. It is highly unlikely I will get into either at such short notice. She would have to have been aware if that, I genuinely believe she just wanted me out if there.

The pain remains as severe with no abatement. The Right leg is still collapsing on me when I go to the toilet which is every hour and my mother has phoned my husband to discuss taking me to a private hospital where I won't be treated in such an appalling manner. Is this how we treat people less fortunate?

Saturday morning I spoke the my mum by messenger, she said she will be there within 20 minutes, she and DB have taken me to a private hospital I've been her now for 5 days and it seems the nuclear testing they did this afternoon has shown there is a significant problem.

I hope I get some printable results I can fax the the head OF RPH with attention the ED doctors name. I don't care how tired she was or is. I'm a human being, if made the mistake of thinking of me as some sad old sad grey old hag she is in for a rude shock. Sad old Gry hag I may be. But I've got a brain and I've got the support of a big business benind me. Happy days are coming to you lovey, happy days indeed. If only I didn't feel so bad, I do believe I'd manage to crack a smile. I do hope I get the chance to take a photo of her face as she realises her lack of compassion and discrimination has come home to roost...


Admin, I do hope I'm allowed to post this, please feel free to remove it's it's to inflammatory, it highlights the injustice so many of us face, but I understand if it's too confronting.

I am so sorry
At that same age
I am so sorry
So fin angry
So angry
Just so fin angry
I will pray for you
I will pry
Me
Note
Having many horrible experiences
And not letting them push me around
I was ask by every person in the er room who was the doctor who's name THEY DID NOT RECOGNIZE
talk done to me
Never to happen
Ever
What is wrong with some of these so called professionals
Are you kidding me

So my hips are (both) lit up like Christmas lights where the titanium all but what has been removed, but due to various problems bits and pieces (thin shavings, 1/2 pedicle screws etc were left behind) So, not only do I have bone and arthritis problems, it seems I may have a touch of titanium blood poisonining thank you very much. No wonder I feel like death warmed up so much, no wonder I don't get good consistent blood results every time. So today I had to have an AWAKE nerve injection. They assured me it will be ok, they neglected to tell me I will have to lie on my stomach for over an hour ( I struggle with 15 minutes) so, in the end in tears, I consented. They must think so little of us older ones addled in pain, I thanked the lovelady who could see just how bad a state I was in while in the SKG room. She handed me tissues, she helped regulate my breathing, she held my hand and in general squeezed me when the pain was so bad I let out an involuntary low moan. In all the procedure (targeted injection under fleuro) took well over an hour, that's over an hour of me lying on my stomach awake. As you all know I struggle with 10-15 minutes. Normally I'm would have been be sedated. But today, for whatever reasons, school holidays probably, no one was available to knock me out. They gave me 10mg Valium, 40 minutes later they realised nope it's not working, I don't even look like I'm nodding off in anyway.

They huddle again and agree to give me alprazolam, my dreaded drug, how I dislike it. Anyway, it soothed me a little, but in no way knocked me out. I felt even the peircing injections including those that are supposed to provide numbness and then the large (super large) needle as it threaded itself into the bone, I felt it makes its way all the way in. So here I am back in my room. I'm quiet, I'm in shock I think. DB stayed for a while but he fell asleep and I said with this weather you're best to go home. He has apparently in the last two days moved all the furniture back into the house and a friend has been and helped him put the beds together. The windows and grooves have been cleaned. All that needs doing now is the screens replacing where the cats have destroyed them, but that's a different day / conversation, he's tried his best to put me back into the house so I have somewhere safe and warm to sleep. Isn't that nice of him.

I'm going to get the doctor who did the procedure today, I want her name so I can write her and thank her, I so think it is importnant those doctors who so often are forgotten due to sedation get some form of thank you and recognition.

I have also name of the doctor from last week at RPH I'm going to wait until I'm walking a little better and I'm going to take my X-ray results and asked her to read them. If she won't, I'm going to give them a copy of my letter addressed to her with a copy to her boss. I'm thinking of contacting the news as well. She deserves to be ashamed of herslf. I know they face drug addicts all day long, but we are not all drug addicts, some of us are genuine. I wonder if I had been so subdued by her and her treatment and taken taken her at face value how much damage today blood poisoning would have done, I wonder if I would be walking today.

To the lady of RPH - I bet you are sleeping well at night, I want you to know sleeping well is a luxury, and I hope for you there may be perhaps 25 years more luxurious sleeping (but for the grace of god) there may be you in 25 years time if you succumb to the young leading doctors of their time who promise the world; who seem to promise health and happiness. Notice I didn't say wealth. Wealth never factors into it, I just wanted a good life, able to come home from work and provide for my family. I didn't get that, I got instead broken promises, lies and more lies. Mostly from people just like you there, that familiar treatment with disdain. I will well remember your face young lady. I hope your future family don't remember it as I do, the look of disdain and horror as you wished someone would just take me away from your space, I was embarrassing you with my tears of agony. You didn't want to know me, you were not remotely interested, I was an inconvenience. Poor poor you.

Admin feel free to remove if to imflammatory.

Pamela, as ever I was moved by what you wrote.

I respect you way too much to offer you advice but I reckon that seeing the doctor at RPH and contacting her boss if needed is a good plan. At the very least she needs an urgent reminder about the importance of professional doctor-patient relationships.

:hug:

Terrible shock, after the funeral in the last fortnight people feeling vulnerable. Now one of the girls has just live posted heavily under influence of either alcohol or drugs attempting to take her life with knife at the wrists. DB and others frantically trying to ring her, no answer, have phoned ambulance and police to her but no one knows where she actually is, trying to ge the hospital to release her last known address. The live feed has dropped out, last vision her sobbing, head hung low and blood dripping. How has the world come to this, her cry for help so obvious, I can only pray primary responders have reached her in time. DB on group conference call right now, everyone distraught. No one fit to drive anywhere and psych has told everyone to stay put. It puts everything into perspective, I pray she is reached in time, I pray this group are faced with no more this week, this month, this year. DB birthday tomorrow. Our celebration cancelled nothing prepares you for this. My troubles are nothing in comparison. Heart breaking for her parents, they have gone through so much and now this. Say a prayer with me please. DB not a praying kind but he is out there now in shock praying to any god who will answer him, please let her be found in time. Felling heartsick.

I really really hope that the girl is found and is safe.

Please remember (both you and DB) to look after yourselves first - it took me a long time to understand that is not a selfish thing to do.

:hug: :hug:

Any news?

Yes, it is much more upsetting having to see it happen "live". On the other hand, the small silver lining is that it gives a tiny chance to the people who can save her. If it happens in a dark room, nobody will know about it until it's all over. :(

It might be a good idea to look at the possibilities of counseling for everyone who happened to see that. Suicide is crushing enough, and having to watch it/not knowing it will be OK is more than most can humanly bear. Some might be in shock and develop a trauma from this. I don't know if there are orgs who work in this field near you, but I suspect there are. Please do call them and ask for help.

They got to her in time, close call but she is safe now and her family all there.

The group had an online debrief with their primary psych and those not working this week requested to attend day facility. DB has gone off to work, sadly for him with his job he's seen it many times, not that it makes it easier, I guess he just compartmentalizes. DB will go to tonight's group. I'm more shocked at the live streaming, but I guess that was her way of having that tinsey hope she will be found in time and her cry for help will be heard.


QUOTE=Wide-O;1247345]Any news?

Yes, it is much more upsetting having to see it happen "live". On the other hand, the small silver lining is that it gives a tiny chance to the people who can save her. If it happens in a dark room, nobody will know about it until it's all over. :(

It might be a good idea to look at the possibilities of counseling for everyone who happened to see that. Suicide is crushing enough, and having to watch it/not knowing it will be OK is more than most can humanly bear. Some might be in shock and develop a trauma from this. I don't know if there are orgs who work in this field near you, but I suspect there are. Please do call them and ask for help.[/QUOTE]

I'm truly glad they got there in time. So often it is a cry for help, or a moment of despair, rather than the absolute will to die (that happens too, but not often).

I was just reading up on this. In my country suicide is the first cause of death for people 14-24. Especially females in that age group are most at risk. However, many of the survivors, with good help, go on to lead happy or at least normal lives. Some can't even remember why they did this after a few years. Some do very well, and it's pretty sickening to see that sexual abuse is very often not far away. Not saying that's relevant to this girl's case BTW, just an observation.

Anyway, like I said, glad she lives.

Here for DB endoscopy, will be about 3 hours and so they've put me up in the waiting room on the comfy recliner chairs. I've nodded off twice and they've just bought me tea and biscuits. What a wonderful hospital. Praying for a good result for DB, he is so stressed over this Barrett's, I'm praying it's just GERD, I know that sounds terrible but it's a much easier alternative to manage. He's quite shocked being told he's not to drive for 24 hours following sedation. It looks like it's a good thing I'm still off of work ill as it will be me taking him to work and going back to get him 8 hours later as he won't take the day off.