DB is 810 days sober. How our lives have changed. I think for the better, I know for the better. His health which has been a roller coaster will get better as he decreases the sugar intake, but as his GP said sugar is better than a glass full of beer.

We had a bit of a moment the other day, he told me how he had told his Psychologist how crushed he was my operation hadn't been the success he thought it would be. I listened calmly while he went on about his disappointment & I said to him evenly, have you thought of how I feel. Now we've been told I had the operation, they couldn't complete it, I've endured all these complications and to boot, I can never bend or twist again. I can't even bend to feed the animals or pick my cat up. (I'm getting really adept at 1/2 squats though, just have to be mindful I can (& already have) fall flat in my back)

So I shared with him this photo someone from a chronic pain group I belong to had shared with me about this time last year. I thought it was appropriate. I think DB has read & taken on board life has changed, it's not ever going to return to what it was. I could point out the obvious, life changed when he stopped drinking, not because I suffered back injuries, I've suffered these back injuries since I was 16, I've broken it 4 or 5 times. But I don't say that, I don't say that at all.

Here is the photo..

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A powerful picture it is. We can still do a million things when parts of our bodies fail. I had seen a similar one before BTW, a friend from the US who has lupus. People mean well, but sometimes you just need to show this and go "and now let's move on, OK?"

That is a great picture - I have printed it out and pinned on my noticeboard to remind me that some days are good and others less so with my clinical depression.

DB is so remote, it's like someone has flicked a switch off in him. The award presentation is this week, they fly to Sydney early Thursday morning, the celebration is in the evening & then they are staying on a few extra days to see the new drug dogs (arriving here in January). So I know he is under a lot of pressure. I don't see my being home as extra pressure on him, but perhaps I'm wrong? Or maybe I'm just being too sensitive because I'm feeling under pressure. I just don't know anymore.

I hope he can enjoy the celebration but keep a cool head. I can certainly understand your worry, but if I understood correctly you wouldn't be able to go with DB anyway? Take some extra me-time, try to recover a bit more.

Will be thinking of you both.

(and lots of puppy pics, please! )

Pamela, it seems to me that you and DB have a great and mutually supportive relationship.

I reckon that DB will be fine in Sydney .

And, as Wide-O said, please remember to look after you - not a selfish thing to do.

Our marriage has imploded, he started drinking again last week, but since being home from Sydney 2 days none at all. Things have been said and done in this last week. I will try to get help for myself & perhaps he will join in with marriage counselling. But drinking ironically I could deal with, drunken infidelity not so much. I’m saddened beyond belief, for all the support I’ve given, it seems instead I’ve emasculated him.

The affair? The young girl I took in, I’ve spoken to the mother today, everything she has told us has been a lie all designed to garner DB attention, he has been taken for a fool and played like a fiddle superbly. Is he feeling sad here at home, you bet ya. Oh I should add, she went out and bought the viagra, the condoms, the booze, And all the rest

I’m trying hard to contain my anger, but I have let rip at him and her, particularly her when I threw her out & she tried to blame it all on him, don’t get me wrong, he is equally as guilty. Will we survive this - I don’t know. I always thought I’d leave on account of the drink not some 21yrvold drug addict.

I will see a counsellor to help process my grief, perhaps I’ll see things clearer, at the minute I want it all to go away & pick up where we left off. But that’s sticking my head in the sand, one thing I’ve never done is shy away from conflict or confrontation.

I may be weak and crippled with chronic pain, I may be in need of being in hospital (I discharged myself as I had suspicions) but I had the energy and strength to slap her when she confronted me and said I should be the one to leave.

I think perhaps after counselling I will see things clearer and leaving is truly the only option, no more having to worry about getting up at 4 to do his dogs, no more worrying about getting him to work. I told him you’ve made me this by asking me to do these things and then by not doing them yourself the animals suffered, same as bill payments I’ve paid all the bills because you couldn’t, wouldn’t, 2 yrs ago your Psych told you to take it over and you didn’t, I had to because we were getting late penalty notices. I can see I’m talking myself into seeing life without DB hanging off me could actually be a release. We’ll see, we’ll see.

Sorry to all those who thought we would make it, I guess we’ve become yet another statistic.

Post edit
We are booked in for couples counselling this Thursday evening. He seems keen to go??

I have no words of wisdom to offer you. I wish that I did.

What I do know is that you are a strong, brave and honest woman who has had to deal with more things in your life than most people have had to.

I hope that seeing a counsellor will help you to make the choice that is right for you.

I think about you a lot and for sure will keep on doing that.

Hey PJ, I can only repeat what kiwi said.

I have no wise words, I admire your strength and honesty, and I keep hoping for the best outcome possible.

Many hugs added.

Admin, please delete this post if it’s too much TMI content. I’ve written it becuse it’s a part of DB’s journey mixed with mine as the person dealing with the acts that come with sobriety. Never at any stage did I realise support can be so misunderstood. Certainly my level of support will be changing dramatically if our marriage survives.

I established contact with the mother last night, every single little thing she has told us has been a lie. No incest, no 11 year old brother penetrating the 6yr old with the mother and father being aware. No uncle raping her, nothing she has said has been true.

The court case she went to, the one where her mother didn’t turn up to support her & the uncle allegedly got 33months.. Nope, it seems it was a case against her for assault and she was the perpetrator - not the victim!. She asked DB for $1000 to pay her court costs so she could get the victim support runiding, she told me it was $950 and my nephew found the letter saying $850.

Am I glad I’ve changed the locks to the house, you bet I am, have I told DB - that would be a no. He gains entry to the house via the garage, I haven’t had that lock chnaged yet, it will be the last to be done and at that stage I will tell him.

I confronted her with her mothers emails to me last night and sent them to DB as well, there were 4 emails in total, 2 in disbelief and apologetic, 2 so unbearably sad I couldn’t bring myself to even show DB. This poor mother has gone through hell with this girl. And now after this latest round of lies, she too says she can’t go on with trying to maintain contact with her.

I wrote and told her I want all the things DB has given her which I had paid for back, he as writing to her at the same time asking for them back. And while that was going on her mother was writing to me unburdening herself.

When I said it seemed she wanted my life, I get it clearly, she definitely did, she wore my clothes, my shoes, my underwear, my lingerie, my husband and she tried endlessly to coerce my delighted dog to go out the front with her, it is the one thing she couldn’t succeed in doing. My cats... the whole time she was here they refused to come inside, all four of them, 2 would come in and eat and race back outside. I threw her out Sunday and by Sunday evening the cats were inside, 2 of them are on the bed with me now, she he other 2 in the back living room. They must have sensed she was a witch. You know, she even went through all my old photos and had her hair cut exactly as mine was when I was 30 years old and married DB. I’m stunned, I thought it looked familiar - Exactly the same and even got the same colour. My nephew found one of our wedding photos in her bedroom. I’ve told my sister, she said there is a movie about something similar a girl moves in and takes on everything like the owner of the unit. It’s a horror story, I’m not sure what it’s called.

DB left here at 8am to go and get the items, he said he would return in 30 minutes, it’s been 45. I’m very conflicted, we are to have counselling tomorrow night. It could be that he is somewhere breaking his heart because she sucked him in, or perhaps she still at it trying to justify her actions & lies. But you know what, if her own mother doesn’t want a bar of her and he still can’t get that message then it’s his problem to deal with. Pathologically challenges people like her don’t change, if he does take up with her, I’d be sleeping with one eye open in fear of her attacking. We already know how handy she is with a razor bald after she spent 30minutes slashing her arm from wrist to elbow, over 100 cuts.

He was agitated last night and took 2 Valium, when I went to speak to him after he sent me a message obviously intended for her he got his usual aggro self and said I’ve taken 2 Valium the next step will be going to the pub. In the past I would have tried to soothe him, last night I just said yes, go for it, there the door, see ya. And I went to bed.

I’m sorry to give so much detail, admin, do delete if you feel it necessary. I just want to put the word out there what happens in movies really can come true. Am I frightened for my life, yes, actually I am. I’m disabled, I can’t run, Adrenalin can kick in and I can move swiftly for a minute or so but that’s it.

I feel sick to the stomach, my boss rang this morning, I’ve told him as I requested time off work. He asked me outright how much do you weigh Pammie, I said 53kg, stress does that to you. He’s told me to take the week off of work, completely he doesn’t want me to do a single thing.

I have a reasonable support network around me. DB has none, other than his Psych. His one friend he told because he was in Sydney when I found out and confronted him with it by FaceTime - wrote to him and said I’ll leave it to you and Pam to sort out. DB Psych told DB I needed to see a Psych on my own, I said that’s not how it works, you both go together. His Psych wrote to me with some suggestions, none of which deal with marriage counselling and she told DB if we both went to see her she would naturally take his side. So clearly he’s been whining and whinging about me for 3 years and all I’ve done is be here to support him, help him get through each day not to drink and not to lose his job. But allegedly I’ve emasculated him. Anyhow if he wants a life alone then so be it. Becuse alone he will be.

I’ve told my nephew - I needed him to pack all her stuff up and put it out the front door, my sister - her partner is changing the locks, my brother - Amy has been phoning him and talking to him, I confess at the time when she first told me I thought that’s really strange, why would you be doing that? So I told him to delete and block her. And I told my boss as I needed time off of work. Not one of them has said we’ll leave it to you to sort it out.

He’s been gone an hour now. I think I’m done.