DB is suicidal. Everything indicative of 2011 repeat. I have asked him to phone me instead of messaging. I will suggest he go to rehab before he starts the new dog training. New dog arrives today. I will offer to take DD1 & care for him. I can do no more. The messages I get of late are sad, they mention he knows he has to sort himself out & he needs to be sober in order to move on from his current life. BO is a brilliant enabler. Her answer to his crisis is place another cider in his hands. I know she knows drinking will kill him. He is already vomiting & his stomach burning every day. I will put everything aside (not mention her or drinking) & try to get him to talk about his depression. His family are unaware we have separated & are in the UK. He has no one here.

I vividly remember being sceptical when my sister went through the exact same thing with her ex husband months after he left her. I remember saying why do you care, & her answer was as is mine. I’m all he has in this country & I have to be caring to save his life. I’m not doing what she did, her answer was to smother him & put her life on hold. Mine will be rehab. End of.

Pam, that is all very hard.

I think that your idea of asking DB to phone (not text) you is a good one.

Maybe (just a thought) face-to-face contact with him is another option?

:hug: :hug:

Tomorrow afternoon

Pam,

I agree, having a phone conversation will be much better than the messaging.

If db and BO are still together, this is going to be even more difficult for rehab to be an option. You can only do so much... But it's worth a try. BO may not enjoy this side of him and won't be around much longer.

So Miss BO was told to leave Wednesday, by Thursday threatening self harm, begging to stay to the end of the month. DB realised while telling me I was just not interested in hearing anything about her. I said again, I’m not talking about her or alcohol, I am concerned for your mental health. But, that said I do believe you will be able to think & see your future more clearly once she is gone from your life. I have said he can call me any time he likes. Surprisingly he looked calmer than when I last saw him. Perhaps telling her to leave is as he suggested “the first step he needed to take to sort himself out”. The new dog is quite small, bossy and cute and he’s been told when the 2nd one arrives next month, they have to be kept separate. Not sure how he will achieve that in his new abode, it’s not set up like we had here. Another thing he didn’t look into in his haze of lust.

I spoke with his psychiatrist, as I signed a contract with DB in 2015 his psychiatrist is still able to discuss minor things with me. I explained what has happened & he alluded to previous discussions with DB. Bipolar. He believes DB has been on a bipolar high (not sure if I mentioned last year while I was in hospital with BO urging DB quit all his medications other than the testosterone injections) and is now on the downward slide. DB has always resisted/ denied he has BP. Doctor has suggested I try to get DB to consider in-patient hospital rehab, even if it’s just the 14 day in-patient followed by the daily / evening group sessions. The same as he did in 2015 that then lead to him going to the “sister” rehab down South. Doctor agrees my approach is the safest. He asked would I consider DB living here again, I said not while BO is in the picture, I fear for my safety. But, if she is gone entirely from his life & he has lived on his own & if it becomes necessary he can stay in the back half of the house.

I will be putting my needs first & self preservation must be my priority. I could see DB looking at me yesterday- really looking at me. I believe he was surprised at how mobile I am and how good I actually look. I’m not referring to the recent cosmetic I doubt he would notice that. I mean my body and how I’m moving. I’ve lost 12kg & I’m able to get down on the floor with the dog and stand without any help. I think he realised yesterday what he’s lost.

Pam, it is great that you are putting your needs first and it is excellent to read about your healthy weight loss and increased mobility :).

I hope that, while it is his call, DB does spend some time as an inpatient to deal with his Bipolar. When I spent about a month IP there were other people there with a Bipolar Dx - having their medication adjusted as well as non-pharmacological approaches helped them a lot.

:hug:

And now his dad has been rushed into hospital. I can predict this month and the next will be full of recrimination, blame and angst. Dad has Parkinson’s & has been hospitalised for a “water infection” translate - urinary tract infection.

Actually dad is worse than just an UTI. He was found on the ground outside in the very inclement weather UK is experiencing. Had he not been found he would have frozen. Thank goodness for caring neighbours. Hypothermia, UTI and further complications. Not been released from hospital yet. At least the family members who haven’t spoken for years have started talking again. I pray this is not the trigger to lead SIL back to drink. It is hard not to care despite all that has happened.

In it all
An the progress you have made
Do not loose sight of your path in this all
You are taking care of you
Were he was unable to do the must important things a partner had committed himself when asking you to be his wife
And none of the credit is his
You found the strength you always had and are moving forward
I believe he may be bipolar myself included
I just haven’t fount the right doctor
Having to take a good look at some patterns I too may be
But that’s not the point as I go through this life I am responsible for the care I give myself nothing but I who wants to be better

You are looking at you for the first time in a while and you have made positive changes in your life mind and spirit it has begun to shine
Only you know what infidelity has done to you
It is not a excuse never forget that
And of course having an empathetic person it is in your makeup to want to help this is time for him to be by himself and figure out what’s going on with him
Just like you did for you
You know how to do things you have become your own
You can take a look at yourself and see what you can do for yourself and be even stronger and that is something you did for you and have come a long way in such a short time
More power to you
Now he must do the same
Time for him to take care of himself better himself so that if you should decide to reconsider and reconcile it be your choice to be honest about what he wants and what he has done
Life is so difficult
It is meant for us to be partnered up
Are we not
In the end happiness and the gift that many do not understand
It’s not the ring that represents commitment
It is the gift of honesty
The most precious gift one can give to another
May he find himself as you have
Love
Me

Pam,

With you planning to return to work in February was glad to learn your movement has improved. Hopefully pain issues are also improving.

Any new info on db and BO? Are they still together?