Nobody can control having urges or not, but we can control whether we act upon them. He has gone through an emotional roller coaster (the trip), and his initial reaction is to crave relief. Over time, he will learn (and I'm talking about "deep learning", not just knowing rationally) that he can manage turmoil without needing or craving alcohol.

Documenting moods is a good idea, as it gives some form of "control" and insight.

You could always bring it up as a possibility, as a possible tool. Or ask his psych to mention it? Ultimately is will be his decision if he finds it helpful or not.

Pam,
How is DB doing? Hopefully he is up and about.

Gerry

Anxious and depressed but we managed to go to the gym for 30 minutes & buy a clam shell for the new dog to paddle in. 42c here today - hotter than hot!!

Yikes! It was 22c here yesterday and I thought that was near perfect...

New DDdog in his clam; he is such a cutie.

a beautiful addition
love in the house
unconditional
me

There are 2 of us on this journey
 

400 days sober, 538 since a bender. Interestingly it is the days sober DB is interested in now. I doubt I will rarely refer to the bender any longer, whereas before that's what mattered to him. There have been many ups and downs on this journey and all are written from my observation/ perspective. DB is aware I write and doesn't seem to mind, has even been known to ask have others encountered what he encounters. So in all, I'm glad I started this journal of sorts.

It is hard for the partner of an alcoholic, there is little help out there and what there is most often always falls back on "just leave". I still have no doubt I have made the right decision, in a way, I have left, I've left the old me behind. Perhaps if I wasn't ill myself and wanted to continue to live a life of partying I would have found it harder, but my partying days had begun to wind back before the alcohol truly gripped DB. I think probably around 2010. Were I to give tips to anyone I would say if you can't be prepared to change all that you did together previously, it will be difficult. Be prepared to check your own bitterness and resentment at the door, they are triggers your loved one looks for. Recovery resentment is real, all the focus is on the alcoholic, as the partner your needs fade into the background and no one really remembers to check how you are doing. You need to be strong, resilient and committed. I gave up alcohol at the same time as DB.

Don't get me wrong, I drank when out with DB but not excessively, except the bender I refer to in 2015 - I for sure was not sober over the 4 days and I can still remember all that happened whereas DB cannot recall much. It's a shame because we had a good weekend - we flew to Melbourne on the Friday for the AFL footy and then to Adelaide Sunday morning to watch Liverpool Monday night & home Tuesday morning. The Liverpool game being the dream reason why we went, and I only tagged on the AFL in the last week to watch our AFL team (we won). The Liverpool game was a snore fest, totally boring and DB left half way thru for the bar, I will always be grateful it was a late evening game and by the time the game finished all the bars on the way to the hotel were closed as he was falling down drunk. I had to find him in the crowd of 40,000 I got to him & DB saying to the police (yes he has a way of finding them every time) my wife will find me, she's like a homing pigeon. I dont miss any of those days really. Of course that's also the week DB crashed, by the Thursday I had him at the GP and Friday he was in hospital. (I think the fright he got is lessening though)

I'm sad this journey seems to always be about the negatives, there are positives, many of them, last but not least he is alive. I will endeavour to find some positives each time I write from now on. (No promises) the new DDDog is settling in, he is a gentle soul and has bonded with DB already. He must have been well loved in his former home. DB saw his psych this week and has made an appt for next month. Is aware he needs to start up his mindfulness again, the funk that was descending again seems to have been halted mid way.

I don't know if you ever read George McGovern's book about his alcoholic daughter. How he struggled, cut her loose in the end, and was forced to live with the regrets about her demise, when she froze to death, all alone. This is the book: Terry: My Daughter's Life-and-Death Struggle with Alcoholism: George McGovern: 978452278233: Amazon.com: Books

Despite being from the "other side" in this, I think I can grasp how hard it must be for the people who feel love for the alcoholic. There is no control, it's a deal no one ever signed up for, there isn't much support as you say, and the "cut loose" is too often bandied about as a solution. George (who passed away recently) would have disagreed. Yet you feel the other has abandoned you, has abandoned their desire for life (and thus life with you), almost like a slow motion suicide. There's something unbearably selfish about it.

At the same time, the recovering alcoholic has to be continue to be selfish in many respects too, in order to "make it". Thinking too much about what you have done can actually put your recovery at risk if you are not ready for it. He or she needs to put sobriety first - so often has no time to see to the needs of the loved ones that were unwilling passengers on the addiction bus.

Irony is a strange thing. Lately I worry about my wife. She is highly stressed, works 14 hours a day, we see each other about 1 hour a day, in which she needs to let off steam. Works every weekend. She drinks a lot more than she used to, every day. Now, I didn't notice for the longest time, as I had trained myself to ignore alcohol in every shape or form. Yet I do see the empty bottles. I also noticed she gets really angry and sometimes mean when she had a few.

Of course, I'm in the shittiest position possible to actually say much about it. I do try, in the nicest non-threatening ways possible, but it doesn't do much good. I never wanted her to stop drinking on my behalf, I saw it as my problem to fix. Yet right now I wish she would sign up for something like sober February...

We also seem to have lost something; after I got sober, our relation changed, and not in a good way. It's hard to put my finger on it, but we've never been this far apart in the 22 years before I went to rehab.

Anyway, just to say that I understand how complicated this all is, that there are no easy answers, and sure, there are good things, but it's important to be able to talk about all the rest too. And it's OK to be angry...

I don't think you have to "sugar-coat" what you write here. It is a good mirror, and we all understand how much you care for DB, and would never mistake you talking about the hardships as somehow being unkind.

Pamela, I agree with everything that Wide-O wrote.

Please keep saying whatever you want to here. Nobody will judge you.

We will all, reflecting our different experiences, do our best to offer you support and encouragement.

:hug:

Thank you Wide-O I have downloaded the book and begun to read it already. I'm saddened I didn't know it existed before today. As I said, there is so little out there.

By default an alcoholic is selfish, from my perspective DB was selfish long before sobriety, selfish in his deception, selfish in his poor little old me (ploms) attitude, selfish in every way that could lead him to twisting any situation into reasoning a drink was required. I became immune to the many criticisms, the depth of nastiness, perhaps because I expected them, perhaps because I knew he wouldn't recall.

I only had 2 times of real fear /terror for my safety, this was in the 1st year of our marriage & I gave as good as he could give. I was strong fit & as healthy as my back would allow. As he was bent over slamming a 3kg weight & giving me a broken foot I responded in kind & smacked him over the head with a ketchup bottle, blood went everywhere & I thought omg I've killed him. We went to St Mary's A&E sat n waited - he got his stitches & sobered up, we went home & I didn't get my foot seen to as I was supposed to be going in for my 2nd spine fusion the following week, in my mind at the time I was thinking oh well they can look at it then. Surgery was xld & I walked round with a broken foot for 3 weeks... lessons learned by us both. DB in particular, my wife has a fiery temper, she won't hesitate to defend herself. Of course he said he was slamming the weight to the floor to emphasise a point & my foot happened to get in the way. I empathised & agreed, I was slamming the ketchup bottle to make a point and his head just happened to be there, the difference being he was drunk & dared me to do it again, I obliged. The 2nd time he was threatening me & then swung to say he would jump out of the 3rd floor window or over the spiral staircase, I filled a bucket of cold water & threw it over him as he stood in the doorway of the bedroom. It had the desired result, huge shock, I still can see his face, he snapped to & the next day I very firmly explained "I'm not living like this" & moved out. We got back together & nothing as serious as that occurred again, certainly no real carried through violence (remember his family culture is all about domestic violence) but the suicide ideation revisited in 2011 in the middle of the day, while sober. It was tough going & resulted in his first rehab visit.

Much water under the bridge & I know he regrets those violent actions because for them he has a glimmer of a memory. He is a good person with demons, his go to all his young life was violence. I don't think he banked on marrying an Aussie who didn't cower. Anyway, it's history, we all have moments in our married lives we regret I'm sure. If I could change them I would, but for better or worse they shaped our relationship and we became a solid unit together feeling as though we had faced the worst and survived. Little did we know the battle to come, but here we are 401 days sober, DB here beside me in bed talking - talking & reading! We never had that before. I will cherish these moments, I pray we are strong enough to continue these moments and lift each other when we are down. Our patience with each other has grown considerably. For the better I 100% believe.

Wide-0 I want to say something about your wife, but this passage has turned into a lengthy honest blurb. With your permission I will tomorrow or the next. My words will be from my perspective of drinking while the alcoholic is abstaining and how difficult it is not to feel guilty & how unintended meanness flows from the lips even as you are wishing you could pull them back. It's one of the reasons this time round in sobriety I opted to do so as well.

I'm struggling at present with severe depression, anxiety, new medication & relentless muscle spasm so I've not yet written Wide -O I will but when I'm in a better frame of mind.

I've had a restless night, but DB seems ok. I've given him info on his mankind groups with some "I" groups being held tonight. I contacted one of the organisers from when he first set out on that journey last year as reaching out for help. I can't be the glue that holds him together 24/7. I've pointed DB in the direction and can only hope he goes to the session tonight.

DB colleague taken a turn for worse, now has pleuracy as well as Lemierres & will be in hospital for at least another 10 days. DB will visit him today, we are saying prayers, this is a rare & frightening condition with very little know about it. They have drained 2 litres in less than 12 hrs & apparently there's still a lot more.

On a positive note, he's started meditating again and after the medication mix up of the weekend seems more himself. Wish he would take up his drums again, they sit alone in the front room and I'm sure if he could just get back into it he might find himself.

No worries, and I'm sorry to hear you're not doing so well. No rush, I'll be interested to read it if & when you feel like it.

Drums... definitely. The thing that kept me going the last 4 years was switching to the piano and falling in love with music all over again. It's what is keeping me sane. (I'm writing this just before I'm leaving for my piano lesson).

Something like joining a local band to play at parties etc., wouldn't that be a good thing? A band allows you to not just continue under your own motivation, you have to be there to practice even if you don't feel like it. Despite what people might think, live music is very much appreciated these days, warts and all.

Anyway, like I said, no rush. One thing I will say though is that I think the drinking/not drinking isn't really part of our problems. I had decided in rehab that the change was on me, not on the people around me. I had told her (and my friends) that I would feel very uneasy if they stopped drinking because of me. And that wasn't a ploy or something, I would truly have felt bad. The only thing I asked was to not drink whisky around me, but she's more into wine and gin anyway, so that wasn't a big sacrifice. I also promised that, if it would be too hard, I would mention it. It turned out not to be a problem for me.

I will buy her wine in the shop, I will serve guests, it's OK. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, nor "left out". It's just something I don't do anymore. And I know it's not on her mind, because I remember her putting a glass of beer in my hand at a party as she had to go refresh. (insert "Hold My Beer" jokes) I was laughing, told her it wasn't the brightest idea, and she went "oops".

DB sister G phoned last night, DB wouldn't answer phone, it was after 10 & 6th sense told him it was G. So I answered (have to could have been my mum needing help). Anyhow, G was sober, I spoke with her for over an hour. Rehab is booked, 3 months, seems to be a rural environment, there are 2 ponies, a dog and of course a number of therapy rooms and beds etc. just waiting on the 1 bed to be available for her. Her SW has been in daily contact and I believe she has been reducing the amount she was drinking in readiness for admission. I truly hope she can pull this off, she and DB lived horrific childhoods, what they experienced is enough to turn anyone's stomach. If you've ever read the book "a child called IT" well it closely mirrors what they endured.
DB grateful I spoke with her, I've told her she can call me any time she needs to, I've said she is loved, and worthy of that love. Mostly I just listened. I can't be her glue as well as DB. But for whatever reason, she feels I'm the only one she can talk to (when she is sober) maybe it's because I don't judge, maybe I don't offer alternative facts or justifications as to why things happened. I can only accept they happened.
Feeling very drained, had my bloods n X-rays taken a little while ago, sitting in coffee shop waiting for energy to drive car home. Had 3 hrs sleep again last night.
The positive today, is DB has gone to the gym before seeing his GP, and has agreed to ask for 20mg Brintellex anti-depressant script renewal. Big step forward for him!!

Pam,
Great news about DB's sister. Very possible DB was a good influence for her to go forward and do the same. He should be very proud of himself. I'll bet she does feel close to you; especially since she knows you have been there for her brother and while you can't carry her; it's good she knows you are there should she need to talk, especially to someone who completely understands.

I'm sure you are completely drained. Hope you get some well needed sleep tonight.

Gerry

Oh Gerry, if only. DB sisters (& mother) never liked or have felt close to me. The eldest sister (K) is the one who wrote me to say DB will be better when I'm dead - you offered up the moon pie. I still love that.

G the next sister (older than DB by 3 yrs) I tried hard to get along with her, but their culture always got in the way, the fixation with the mother being the conduit for all communication & how all life revolved around her. I always held back at home before going out with them, I would walk to the club 2 or 3 hrs later on my own. My back was my excuse, the reality was I just didn't have anything in common with them other than DB & sitting drinking in the club fawning over the old girl did nothing for me. (She passed away in 1998)

In 2008, we had to go to back the UK for my court case, I was very unwell. I didn't go out on the Saturday night, but got a call at 11pm, it was G - sounded drunk, said T had been bashed at the club. It was February (winter) freezing, I got dressed & walked down to the club (about a mile) went in DB with dad, no sign of T but they knew he'd been hit. I said I'd go check on him and G, walked there, another 1/2 mile, by now it's after 12. As I arrived I heard this blood curdling scream from round the corner. I recognised the girls scream, walked round and sure enough it was their eldest daughter, DB niece being beaten by her current partner. I grabbed her, somehow held him off and frog marched her home, she hanging off my waist & legs sobbing, nose spread across her face, him trying to pull her back. Somehow I got her to the door and shoved her inside, barred his entry & told him to go home, sober up & we'd talk the next day. I cleaned her & her father up & I walked back home, got in about 3am. Dad, DB and others were up, told them what had happened & we could all get a few hours sleep & go in the morning.

So 7am we're all down at G house, the phone ringing incessantly it being this boy Avron. Somehow it became me who was answering the phone, it was me that rang the police and it was me that had to go outside to confront the boy & tell him police were on their way & I suggest he leave us all alone. His words to me were, "why do you care, they all hate you, they can't stand you" I said, well I'm married to DB so they are stuck with me , she is my niece & your behaviour intolerable, please leave. He threatened to hit me, he was in his car, I have a vivid memory of me doing the chicken dance in the middle of the road and singing the song. I'm not a tall person, in those days I was 163 cm (now 159) I weighed then 56kg (123lb) All this while I was so unwell, DB is upstairs in the house with his sister G, she's saying to him, I'm having a bad day & everyone accepting it as if it's normal. Dad & T tending to the daughter/grand daughter. Looking back now with what I know, G alcolholism had her firmly in its grasp.

Do you know what, not once, not a single time has anyone in the family ever thanked me for what I did that night & the next day. None have said it was brave, good on you for helping us all, nothing, nada. Yet I know if I hadn't intervened that night he could well have killed her, certainly he tried again the following week after we left fracturing her eye socket, jaw and rebroke the nose. He was sentenced for quite some years. I've never enquired if he's out since.

I guess my point is we're not close at all, we are linked forever by DB and Our marriage. I know they don't like me, I know they didn't like me, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to see the way they all behave around me & treat me as if I don't even exist. So I don't actually know why she rings me, or turns to me for help. I've been told in no uncertain terms by the older sister and others that they along with G & T don't like me and G has only ever made an effort to be civil to me because I'm married to DB.

So there you go, yet another sad story tied to alcohol and violence in the family I've shared. It's sad but laughable, I'm not a violent person but I will stand up for myself. I never saw violence within my own family, never really knew much about domestic violence until marrying DB. I guess it's fair to say I lived a sheltered life. I've always said it was my association with horses and the hard work required to care for them that gave me inner strength. I sure had iron strength that night I got her off of the street.

Pam,
I somehow got mixed up about your SIL giving you updates during DB's visit; especially he and his brother's touching good bye. Your SIL seemed quite thoughtful.

Realized all the issues about DB's sister while he was visiting. Thought DB's sobriety may have some influence on her wanting to try to get sober. Also thought his sister was turning to you since you were so supportive to her brother and his recovery. Didn't realize how they felt about you. They obviously were greatly influenced by their mother. I really find when people are that nasty to others; they can't have a very meaningful life and are unhappy themselves. Sad.....


Gerry

Pamela, I found what you shared deeply moving. I cried when I read it.

I reckon that you and DB are brave and honest people, dealing with everything that life has thrown at you.

You deserve each other and I admire you both.

:hug:

Hi Gerry, totally understandable there are 3 SIL, 2 are SIL by being sisters to DB, that's K (moon pie) and G (alcoholic). 3rd SIL "D" is the one I get on wth and love dearly, she is SIL by marriage, she is married to DB brother M. It was her I referred to at Xmas as being so good to DB, so caring, loving and kind.

This SIL, she & I have a lot in common, we've been ostracised & targeted by the family as well as subjected to viscious gossip & rumour. I'm fortunate I don't live there, but D (& M) does & within a 3 mile radius, she and M have nothing to do with the family at all anymore, too much grief. Even DB just being home at Xmas bought grief to D door. A sad family gripped my small mindedness, bitterness & alcohol. I guess actually I'm blessed to get on with DB father & brother. They seem to be the only ones with actual sense and a kind heart. Much like DB.:hug:

410 days, Valentines tomorrow. I'm cooking a lamb roast & apple crumble pie for dessert. DB seems a lot better this week. His Testosterone injection due tomorrow hasn't seen him spiral down in the funk just prior to it as it has these last few months, maybe the moving it from every 14 days to every 10 is working.
I've got to go back into hospital this Friday for another procedure, more upper spine fractures. No idea how I sustained these ones, I don't recall a fall or a significant jarring event recently... anyway, at least we know what's been causing me so much upper back pain!!

Yummy for the Valentine dinner.....Lucky DB...

Pam, I know it was a while back, but I recall an occasion where at work, you had chased someone causing a scare for one of the employees. I think you had had some sort of pain issue afterward. Wondering if this may have been the start of what you are dealing with now.

Sure hope and pray you can finally get relief physically and emotionally. You sure have been on a roller coaster.


Gerry

DB went bicycle riding yesterday - first time on a bike (outside) in years. We bought new bikes back in 2012, I rode mine (with 4 vertebrae fractures as we found out later lol) in determination to try enjoy a vacation break in our summer house. DB at the time deep in the grips and not remotely interested in fresh air etc. So I was very surprised when he announced he was going riding Weds around the foreshore with a mate of his from work. His mate cycles regularly and is a non drinker, he asked DB as we live so close to the foreshore could he come to ours to park & then go cycling. DB said go one better, I'll join you. They cycled about 30k, it's 12k round the foreshore, they did it twice plus added on an extra leg by going over to the bay. All in all it's a beautiful cycle path with wonderful scenery, that coupled with cracking weather yesterday seems to have made for a good day out. He was knackered & when I got home snoring like a trooper on the settee. DB said this morning he enjoyed it so much he might make it a weekly outing and maybe when I'm better I can join him. I'd love that, I got the bikes in the first place so we could cycle together on the foreshore, I had gone a few times but not since 2013 when I hung the bike up (literally from the roof in the garage) & it's not been down since. I hope I can get well enough to do it.

DB setttled into a deep funk again. Nothing seems to reach him, refused to speak with his family on Sunday night. RDO's the last 3 days, his funk descends every fortnight on his weekend RDO. He verbalised today he thinks it's because weekend RDO's always meant time to drink. And now weekend RDO he just doesn't know what to do with himself. I'm making sure he is drinking water and not getting dehydrated in this humid weather. But I can't do much more for him when I'm not in the best health myself. He managed to get himself out of the bed and to the couch. It's a huge improvement, no meals eaten in bed either. He chose not to go to an I group last night, not sure he could have driven himself anyhow. There is another tonight but he says it finishes at 10 and it's too late given he has to be up at 4 in the morning for work. I've offered to drive him there and pick him up so he can sleep on the way home, but the way he is, I tend to agree a 10pm finish will be too much for him. I still wonder if he is bipolar type 2. Wish I was better equipped to deal with this. Tired of worrying anything I say might tip him over the edge, and I don't mean into the soothing arms of alcohol.
I will see my GP this week and get a referral to a cardiologist. That may take some stress off of his mind. His partner was rushed back into ICU yesterday so in all DB has had a cruddy hospital weekend of stress. I've tried to explain its one reason why he may be feeling so blue, things appear to be beyond his control right now and while sober control is something he has always preferred to have.

Forgot to add, DB sister has been allocated a bed. March 28th she goes in. This is a different rehab apparently to what she has been on previously. The previous seem to have been hospital environment locations. This one while associated with the hospital is not a hospital environment and has apparently a quality success rate. It's for 13weeks and costs £38 a week. Seems very cheap to me and must be subsidised by the NHS. DB BIL whining about it costing £38 a week. He shut up very quickly when I told him DB rehab cost $690 a week and at one stage $500 a night. BIL (T) has offered G £10k again & for them to go their separate ways. I told G I didn't want really to be involved or to interfere but, she & T worked hard all their married life, the bungalow they live in is mortgage free & valued in excess of £200k. As his wife she is entitled to half, to settle and take £10k only would be not the cleverest move she could make. I suggested she do rehab, wait until she comes out and then make decisions based on how she feels then. I get the feeling BIL is trying to take advantage of G vulnerability, and of course my DB doesn't want to be having any conversations with G until she is sober and the other brother M, well as I explained they all no longer talk. I guess the saying you reap what you sow has not helped G in any way. Her drunken behaviour over the years has not been kind. But I can't let that get in the way of offering responsible advice. Hold off until you are in a position to make sensible choices. If BIL takes to her with his fists again, the police are now on red alert and won't be far away. The neighbours know if they hear her scream to call the police immediately. A safe roll on to March 28 is all I can hope for. Dad won't be able to cope with anything should anything happen.

DB in a sad state.
We had a difficult start to the morning, 4am alarm, up I get to do the animals, DB not moving. I follow an established routine. DDDOgs 1,2&3 are Labs eat their food in a flash. DDDOg 4 fiddles around & I'm back n forth trying to coax him. Later when it's dawned I go and do the poos. Last Thursday I noticed DDDog 4 passing bloody stools, the night before he seemed tucked up and he hadn't eaten well for 2 nights, rang DB at work on Thursday so DB could take him to the vet, they examined him, seemed well but just in case put him on antibiotics. He's seemed fine since but does still faff around eating. He is a white GS, I've only ever had Labs & retrievers who eat their food likes it's their last. So I spend the hour before DB goes to work going back n forth coaxing DD4 to eat. When we got him he was dreadfully thin. Thursday he weighed 31.5kg, vet said for his age, a bit underweight but not to worry so long as he's eating.
Our Abyssinian 10yrs cat is unwell but I'm working with what we've got to keep her as well as we can (gone from 4.3kg to 3.4kg) I've got her on normal dry food diet along with pouches of wet food later then kitten food & lactating mothers milk & her normal meal again at night as recommended by vet. Apparently she may have myasthenia gravis, seemingly common in Abys at the age of 10. Will know more soon.
DDDOg1 also 10yrs and is declining in health rapidly, work dogs they say live a reduced life span. He's given it his all so we make his final years as comfortable as we can. I know seeing him decline upsets DB.
DB colleague DDO rushed back into ICU on Saturday, his health very poor, respiratory system seems to be struggling. His weight apparently a factor (slightly overweight) & he too suffers with depression.
Dad with his Parkinson's progressing to next stage and the prostate cancer diagnosis & then me with yet another heart scare following the anaesthetic.
This all seems to have hit DB hard, he spent the weekend horizontal, I genuinely believe if I hadn't been here to do the animals it would have overwhelmed him and he'd suicide. It's where his mind is at right now. So after doing the morning routine I came into the bedroom with his cuppa and he announced I'm not going to work. Now ordinarily I would have said I understand and just got on with my own routine.

Last year however management determined he had created a pattern of not turning in over a 15 month period for 3 Tuesdays & 2 Wednesdays. Fri, Sat, Sun & Mon are busy days with dog searches and people visits & the boys always turn in no matter how sick they are so as the visits routine is not disrupted & the prisoners get to see their loved ones. Tues & Weds no visits so they involve training, internal searches, admin and of late, more frequently redeployment within the prison. I may have explained DB & his colleague are the most hated men in the prison on account of their job and the dogs. These 2 days are difficult & both DB & his colleague dislike them, that feeling of going to work not knowing if what you've planned to do with dog training & admin wise will come to fruition or, if you will be deployed and be spat at, verbally abused etc. It comes with the job and is known territory for all staff there, the DDO's suffer it more than the CO's. But in the main they get on with it.

You may recall DB had the dental saga along with his leg haematoma which resulted in him struggling into work on the visits days & taking either a Tues or Weds as sick along with 1 Friday only. 6 days off ill over 15 months, (keep in mind my background is HR & I've dealt with people with considerably more sick days than just 6 over a 12 month period) so in all considering the state he was with his dental and leg issue. Many a day he struggled in to work with a swollen blueish blackened bruised face or hobbled badly with his leg. Anyhow Mgt pulled him in and said he has an established sickness pattern. It made him feel sick just with the statement alone, he felt dreadful, bitter & angry. As a functioning alcoholic he rarely (if ever) over 10 yrs employment took time off sick, but of course with his rehab in and hospitalisation with the Barrett's he used most of it up in 2015.

I digress sorry, so this morning given the situation not so long ago where he was reamed over the coals for a pattern Tuesday/Wednesday I had to be firm & convince him to go. I got his breakfast, tablets, got probiotic and nexium to settle his stomach. Put on the video Gladiator (he used to love it and found it motivating back in the 90's) in essence I did all I could to get him out the door. Do I feel good about myself, no, I feel sad I've made him go to work when I know he's unwell, but I also know had he stayed home he will have castigated himself all day long saying repeatedly I wish I'd gone.

He didn't go to the I group last night & I don't seem able to reach him in this funk. It's a bad one, it's up there with when he was suicidal back in 2011. He opened up a little before he left saying his psych told him what he experienced back home in Wales with his brother wasn't the norm, if he lived there it would not have been like that, M will have been at work and the comradre they experienced while wonderful wouldn't have been a daily experience, it's just he was home on holiday & by fortune his brother had taken time off to be with him. Life will have been life going on as it normally does & everyone getting on with what they do. So it seems DB is still harbouring this thought of moving back home to Wales and the valleys, even though he knows life as it was is not like that. It's just life as it is here is too hard for him right now.

Maybe it's time he quit this job, he's been in it for over 11 years, it's thankless and full of grief. I still seethe at the way he was treated by Mgt last year, 6 days is nothing. They have people up there in senior & non senior CO positions who have in excess of 20 days a year, call in ill at the drop of a hat. But DB & his colleague because there only 2 of them their absence is noticed immediately. It sucks and I feel so bad for him, not to mention for myself for convincing him to go. I'm at the end of my tether, I don't know how much more I can take. I love him dearly but this funk has nothing to do with booze. It's more to do with him, I just don't think he likes who he is, maybe it's why he drank in the first place.

So the only the positive i can come up with is the sun is shining and he's gone, once he rings to let me know he's arrived safely I will feel a little better. I have a job list as long as my arm to do today not the least collect my walking stick from the hospital which I left there Saturday as they wheeled me out in a wheelchair. Sorry to be a gloomy doom downer ...

Edit: DB just phoned to say they arrived safely, the positive sunny weather disappeared, such unusual weather we are having here for summer, temps are quite cool and 5 min after DB left the heavens opened & it's been hammering down. Summer rains makes the roads super slippery and we have far to many nutters out there on the roads... as do you all wherever you may reside.
Hugs to everyone, I feel like I need plenty so maybe y'all feel just like me.

Post edit: email just received
Thanks for your help I could not of done it without it. Don’t know how long I can keep going on. I will have to become a Viking and get stuck in LOL. Thanks, Love you.

My heart breaks for this love of my life.

DB saw GP the week before last and she insisted he go for blood tests. He said he'd just had them done (which he had) & his liver was all good, nevertheless she insisted. He had fasting bloods taken last Thursday morning. Received a letter by mail at lunch time today for him to contact the surgery urgently for a follow up on his blood results and to mention the letter when phoning for the appointment. I've rung him and he's made the appointment, I won't know until he gets home when but it will be either Thursday or Friday his RDO.
I don't know what to think but this is surely why he is feeling so low with zero energy and why he is struggling with life. I'm hoping it's his thyroid and not the Barrett's but it's no good to speculate hey. Will let you all know when we know. I neglected to point out the glaringingly obvious positive. How I could have let it escape me given all he is facing right now is beyond me. In the past he will have turned to alcohol to soothe & numb his soul, remove the stress and trauma. How good is it that he's 418 days sober. My poor DB love, life is really dishing up lemons ATM.

Pamela, sorry that I am late here but (long story) my ADSL/Wifi router died and it took some time to get a new one.

It sounds to me that you and DB have a fair bit to cope with recently though your Valentines Day meal sounds great :).

I hope that the investigations of your spine problems have helped.

As far as DB is concerned 418 days is tremendous :).

I trust that whatever his GP has noticed gets resolved quickly.

:hug: :hug: for both you and DB.

9.15 am Friday. I've done the silly Dr Google search, his symptoms suggest he has GERD, or Hypothyroidism, or Graves Disease or a combination of any or of course none at all. Last night I felt a sort of relief, he has something and that something may be fixable, I can't explain it. Thanks for bearing with us on this journey.

Pam, some years back, my GP did some lab work. Without my realizing she also added the thyroid test. She called me a few days later to tell me I had Graves Disease. I had never heard of it. She said I never mentioned having any of the symptoms. I had given up smoking a few months prior so I thought what I was going through was due to cigarette withdrawal

The doctor then explained Graves Disease is Hyperthyroidism. She had me go to a specialist; Endocrinologist who did additional testing. I did in fact have Graves Disease. I was prescribed Tapazole (sp?) for 2 years. Went into a few months of remission; then the Hypothyroid began (low thyroid).

So for the last several years have been on Synthroid. My Endocrinologist has my TSH lab tested every 5 months to be sure I am taking the correct dosage. After taking the same dose for several years, the last lab indicated I needed an increase in my Synthroid. Hypothyroid, without medication can make you very sluggish, tired, weight gain, etc. Being Hypothyroid usually is lifetime . Thankfully there is medication to help with this disease.

Hopefully you and DB will finally get the help needed.

Gerry

Bloods are in but I confess I don't understand them all. I should preface this with since he had the November blood tests DB has put on 7kg. (2.2lb to 1kg)

Last blood tests in November 2016 were not fasting so not everything is comparable, in November all we were really worried about was his liver and his testosterone levels, the liver came back good except for a comment from men's health GP who said to DB you have a low grade infection going on somewhere, but at this stage nothing to worry about. The testosterone low and his injections moved from every 14 days to every 10.
Kidney
PSA 1.1, may be associated with an increased risk of prostatic neoplasia. (is prostate cancer genetic? Dad recently diagnosed) MSU required to establish if he has a urinary infection. I wonder if he's had a urinary tract infection for quite some time. His pee is always strong (I mean really strong) smelling. I thought he's not been drinking enough water so I am always telling him to drink more. When he's home he doesn't unless I remind him or give it to him.
Glucose fasting
6.0 Previous test December 2015 5.2. Further testing required if patient is not a known diabetic. GP says he must consider his diet & portioning. He pigs out on dried fruit & nuts, massive bowls of sugar laden muesli for breakfast and added yogurt & custard. I've been singing belly's gonna get ya for the last 2 months. Think GP comment has hit home.
Liver function
December 15 AST 25, November 16 AST 29. February 17 AST 35. A significant increase. I have not asked if he's been drinking, I believe he would have told me if he had. GP says he is carrying a lot of fat around his belly and it could be impacting his liver.
Cholesterol - Previous 4.5 now 5.0
Triglyceride - 1.7 now 1.1
HDL Chol - 1.1 now 1.2
Coronary risk ratio - 4.1 now 4.2
LDL CHol- 2.6 now 3.3

LIPID fraction
LDL Chol target <2.0 DB is 3.3
HDL Chol target >1 DB is 1.2
Triglyceride <1.5 DB is 1.1
GP told him he has to lose 7kg, control portioning, cut out sugar & processed foods. So no more muesli laden with custard etc for breakfast I do his dinner already & if home at the same time his lunch. But what he eats at work or when he's home & I'm at work is showing significantly on the belly!! I offered to portion out his breakfast for the next 4 weeks, he says that will be great, can you do it the night before? My comment, you've got to be kidding me, I already get up and do your animals for you at 4am, I'm not blinking well getting your breakfast ready the night before. 2 reasons, if I do it the night before he will eat it before bed, it will feed into his OCD routine even more.
Renal function
Urea was 4.8 now 4.4
Creatinine was 109 now 114
eGFR was 67 now 63 (November 2014 test was 73)
Sodium was 141 now 142
Potassium was 4.5 now 4.6
Chloride was 100 now 99
Bicarbonate was 27 now 29
Renal function eGFR calculated using CKD EPI from 21.05.13
Comments on collection 14.2.17 note eGFR units are mL/min/1.73m2. As age > 50yrs suggest microalbumin (Kidney Health Australia | Kidney Health Australia)

So in all, he could be pre-diabetic unless he takes steps to manage his diet. He may have a low grade infection ?? Urinary tract infection & he needs to lose at least 6kg. None of this tells me why he is so fatigued, depression causes fatigue I know. I did attempt to explain to him sugar highs and how the low is so much worse & debilitating at times.
I have suggested we walk to the gym rather than car it, walking is a pre warm up, cool down, gets in quality vitamin D and is cardio to help lose weight. Automatic response No, I do enough walking at work & walking aggravates my calf muscle. This could be true, it does still swell significantly on occasion, apparently a bloke from work has said the calf tear of the magnitude he had can take up to 6 months to heal, I think his has been longer than 6 months. So anyway, I drove us to the gym and parked as far away from the door as I could. If he's doing so much walking at work it would be showing on the belly...

He is obsessed with weight lifting, (tied to his OCD and from when as a child always told he's a little thin thing) it's all he does when I observe him at the gym, he says he does cardio and may well do at his work gym, but at ours never, just weights. He also consumes these whey supplement products like there is no tomorrow. Some supplements shop sales person sold him on the idea a few years back $300 a pop with 3 different products & he keeps going back to buy more. 1 is supposed to help muscle repair (doing a great job on the calf tear -not), another is to drink while at the gym & the 3rd I have no clue, but I have seen him ladle it also onto his muesli. Perhaps these supplements are full of sugar and are causing the rises to his liver as well. I don't buy into this muscle supplement crapola, it would be be different if he was a weight lifter for competition & it was his income but he is not. It's a waste of money, no one really knows what's in the stuff and even the men's health GP last year suggested he not take them.
Very confused, worn out and less than hopeful now, I can't see my quality in life improving while he is in and out of these deep funks, and by that I mean, I'm struggling to maintain the upkeep on the house inside & out and the animals. He comes home and is horizontal unless he goes to the gym or the shops. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up.

Pam,
You had some concerns about thyroid function. I do not see anything relating to testing/lab for the TSH or T3,T4 for Thyroid disease. Since DB is having issues, it would be good if doctor would do testing. It's simply lab/blood work that could have been included in this test.

I had no idea my GP at the time had added these to my lab work. Glad she did because, as previously mentioned, when she got the results, she called me to inform me I had Graves Disease (Hyperthyroid) and needed to see and Endocrinologist for further testing.

It is really so difficult to maintain all that needs to be done. Unfortunately, this may eventually mean downsizing.

Hold on tightly dear friend.


Gerry

I queried it as well Gerry because DB said GP told him before the blood test she was going to request test of his thyroid. So apparently she told him at the surgery yesterday there is nothing wrong with his thyroid. I did ask where the results are and he said he thinks she didn't give him that sheet. I've got to contact the GP because the report says he is to have an MSU, I asked did she give you the paperwork to go get a urine test & he said no. So I will email her querying the MSU follow up and where are the TSH or T4 results.
There is a footnote at the end of each page which says tests completed. TSH is mentioned as completed on each of the 5 areas of testing i.e SE - PSA; SE - renal function; SE - HDL & CHOL; SE - liver function; SE GL- glucose fasting
I knew I should have gone with him...

If there was testing for the thyroid, hopefully you can get the paperwork with the results. I would think if he called, he/you would be able to pick up complete copies of the results from the GP.

Pam, there is also a SMA12 or SMA14 test which covers a variety of areas. It will show if there is a problem or normal in these areas. Just wondering if something like this was done for DB. I believe one of the areas is ...hormones..which could include the thyroid hormones. If this is the case, then it could have shown "normal" so no further testing was done.


Gerry

Pamela, I agree with you about "muscle supplements". They have one certain consequence - your bank balance will decrease. Unless DB has some underlying medical problem their main effect is that he will produce very expensive urine.

I think that Gerry has made a good point about thyroid function - TSH, T3 and T4 are all worked checking out. You could also suggest that DB gets his GP to arrange for tests of thyrotropin-releasing hormone (TRH) as well - basically TRH "tells" the pituitary gland to make TSH.

If anything of concern emerges from these measurements then usually highly-effective treatments are available.

Struggle again this morning. DB alarm went off & for the first time ever, he slept thru it, I hit snooze, got up & began my routine which now includes getting his breakfast. DB remained asleep, snooze was going off when I came back in. I turned the light on & woke him up, he presented with deep red rimmed eyes, that blinking look when light is too bright, totally disorientated & clammy. I told him everything is done so eat your breakfast relax & try & gather your wits.

Maybe he has chronic fatigue? There is definitley something going on. So today along with emailing for the MSU detail, I'm going to ask if DB can be referred to a sleep clinic, his sleep is severely disrupted, punctuated by cycling motions, step climbing, kicking, hitting out & often fearful verbal utterances. I believe they call it night terrors. Many an occasion I've been kicked or accidentally hit. This restless sleep never happened when he was drinking.

There is a saying within canine handlers that the emotions of the handler go down the lead to the dog. DD3 has been not himself the last few days. We kept DD3 inside for a bit when he got home from work last night & made an extra fuss of him. This morning I bought him in for cuddles & attention before leaving for work. DD3 seemed alot happier when he went off for work this morning. I wish extra cuddles & attention could do it for DB.

Pam, it would have been nice if you were able to know whether they actually did the TSH testing which often can show normal while adding the T3-T4 testing can actually indicate whether or not the T4 in his system is converting to T3 which it should do. Doing both would have been a good indicator. If both of these have not been done, then maybe asking the doctor that both be tested giving a better indicator of thyroid disease. As I mentioned, having only the TSH can often show normal when it really needs further testing to confirm this.

As previously mentioned, I have been dealing with thyroid disease for 18 or 19 years; first being diagnosed hyperthyroid; then after a couple of years with lab work done every 5 months, eventually indicated I became Hypothyroid. I have been on Synthroid daily for the past 15 years or so. From what you describe, DB would actually most likely fit in the Hypothyroid. The thyroid is so complex but the thyroid hormones really affects so much of the body functions.

Hope you and DB and get to the bottom of this. It appears this is not the normal behavior for DB. Of course, abstaining from the alcohol can also set of a series causing the thyroid to be affected as in my case; when I quite smoking the 2 1/2 pack a day cigarettes help to set of my thyroid disease which obviously had been dormant until then.


Gerry

431 days, GP appointment on the 15th. DB is hanging in there.

You probably already know this, but if you go for more blood tests, make sure they are at the same lab. Results can differ for many reasons between labs.

I felt really bad the first 12 months of sobriety. Lots of things were wrong with me. I had a series of blood tests (every 3 months on average) done, learned about the important results, and kept a spreadsheet with those results.

One result is a snapshot, when you have 3 or more it's easier to see trends, and possible solutions a doc might not directly think of. Example: my uric acid levels were really high after 9 months. Doc would have thought it might be a result of drinking still, but as I was sober, and saw it going up, I ended up thinking about sugar (well, fructose...) consumption. Discussed that with the GP, she agreed, I took action (diet), and felt a lot better. That's not "anti-science" or negative towards docs: sometimes we need to be our own detective, piece information together, and discuss that with the GP.

Mind you, I'm not advocating "wild googling of ailments", but I know you wouldn't do that anyway. Just supporting your idea that you ideally want to be on top of this information, and discuss possible problems that you may see from those panels.

Pamela, I don't have much to add here beyond saying that I agree 100% with the thoughts that Gerry and Wide-O have offered you.

444 days. We went to a restaurant attached to the casino last night, $75 a head with friends of ours disabled sons 30th birthday. We had a lovely evening and got home about 12ish. DB quite chuffed we had such a good time while sober. Saw the GP earlier this week, he has to have blood tests for RRV & BMFV along with an arterial flow test. Seems a little better within himself though so that's a good sign.

Pamela, that is great to read :).