Oh Pam...what a terrifying situation for both of you.

One thing that popped into my head when you said he may be fearful of the man he will become....can you put together a shoebox or album of hardcopy photographs from early on in your relationship or marriage, say the first few years, for him to take with him? I think that is a time in a marriage when everything is new and sweet and loving. Perhaps it will be a reminder of the good times and the good man he was then and maybe he can return to that man? If nothing else, they will be positive beautiful memories to get him through. Also, when my husband and I have been apart for a stretch, we hide notes, cards, letters, trinkets, in each other's socks, shoe, jean pockets, toiletry bag, etc. It really makes one feel loved and thought of. Note sure you can do that at rehab though.

Also, the communication hiatus may be emotionally difficult but, I think it will make him stronger as he will learn to deal with his issues minus alcohol and minus you. Think of that strong man who will be coming back to you. What he has been through all ready is just amazing. They will have docs and psych help and he will be well cared for.

Pam, maybe use the time to focus on yourself. You have had so much going on with your Mom and hubby and your job and health issues. It will be like a gift to have time just for you. And a month to deal with the new anxiety that has become an issue when going outside.. Maybe the full court press of stress these past months have taken their toll on you....Lessing the stress with your husband and Mom away may be just the break you need to deal with your own issues.

Well, I'm getting droopy, it is 3:20am and my Ambien is finally kicking in.
Sorry if my post is a bit rambling.
Just want to say I think you are both way stronger than you think, and you will
fare well through the 4 weeks.

I will be cheering for both of you.
Love, D.

Hi Pam,

My heart goes out to you both during this time of transition.

Your husband is still going through withdrawal and emotional detox.

I can honestly write: Most people I have seen go through alcohol/drug treatment programs access additional coping skills and become stronger people.

Some go through some degree of an "identity crisis." Sometimes, this depends upon when (at what age or stage of development) someone became "dependent upon" alcohol/any substance, and if they had time to form a firm identity prior to taking up heavier types of drinking.

Most, if not all, go through all kinds of emotions, including lots of anxiety.
Alcohol is known for it's emotion-numbing effects. When we detox, the old stuff, including lots of emotions, come up to be dealt with. The full detoxification is an emotional detoxification, as well as a physical detoxification.

When someone goes through alcohol and/or drug treatment programs, many people around them also experience some anxiety. This often creates a major shift in life and will also create a major shift in your relationship with one another. I think it's a shift you will each like/prefer. It may take some getting used to, however, as we all tend to interact with partners in a habitual manner.

Issues of "addiction" -- whether alcohol, drugs, food, other -- are issues of "dependencies." Any of us having lived with others with addictions may have our own addictions and/or, in the least, have likely played some degree of a co-dependent role in life.

In close relationships, if one person shifts (changes), room is made for another (or others ) to also shift.

It's "normal" for both individuals in a marriage to feel the marriage/relationship is potentially somewhat threatened when someone goes through a treatment program. This may be felt on a conscious or subconscious level.

I don't know of a program requiring a month of no contact with a spouse or with family. However, I do know some programs make this requirement.
A month of no contact can feel like a very long time.
Diandra has offered some wonderful ideas on ways to be "in touch" with one another without breaking the rules.

My husband and I also do similar things -- leaving notes and small gifts around the house or in suitcases/clothing when we must be apart for lengthy times. We have fun with this.

(((((( Pamela ))))))
(((((( DB ))))))

We are here for you.

Love and Prayers for you both!

DejaVu

Diandra seems to have come up with some very good ideas. DeJaVu as well. 4 weeks without contact does seem like a long time.

Hopefully this is the right program for his recovery. Trust in yourself as well as him the outcome will be successful. One day both of you may look back on this with fond memories. Your relationship becoming stronger.

Are you still employed? It would appear to be next to impossible to handle working; but possibly you are able to have had time off with the ability to return. This might really help get thru the upcoming weeks ahead.

Thoughts and prayers are with both of you.

Gerry

Went to the carers session last night, sharing of stories with a mixed group of parents with Ice addicted teens/adults in various stages from"happy users" to phases of recovery, spouses and or parents of alcoholics. The 4 week down south seems to be very very positively received not only for the hope it brings but for many the release and break from the ongoing trauma many of these people are or have been living with daily. Heartbreaking stories with so many consequences and many relapses.
DB has been in contact and is eating healthy and exercising, we are allowed to exchange messages daily by IPad but they recommend no face booking etc. They had their first outing yesterday with many experiencing strong cravings incl DB.

Thank you for sharing.
It appears this is a good experience for you. It is so important for family/close friends to share their experiences, as well as getting guidance. So good to learn hubby is really putting a real effort in this program.

Both of you are in my prayers daily.


Gerry

They had a day trip out to the beach and fish n chips. Too cold for swimming, most exp anxiety and kept close.

Pam ~ Thank you for being so open and candid. This will help someone when they need it the most. This is very brave of you and I am super impressed.

Have you looked into joining an Alanon group? There are quite a few that go there that are dealing with people who are not just addicted to alcohol. It is just something that I found that helps because it is face to face every week (if you go to multiple groups then as often as you like) and a support group to help you during those hard times almost immediately....they are only a phone call away, day or night. They help me with day to day issues, other family member problems, and myself.....the myself part is the hardest and it gives the best results.

Good luck to you on your journey, here's praying for calmer waters!