DB gets home tomorrow night Sunday 11th. I'm so looking forward to seeing him and hearing his voice. The animals will be beside themselves with joy as well.

I've been told I need to do at least 4 things differently, they don't have to be big, but have to differ from past ingrained behavioural patterns and I need to make time for myself rather than being ever vigilant to prevent an inevitable fall.

Relapse is said to be high and to be expected and I have to let him learn from it rather than prevent or protect him from it. Apparently all those times I saved him from losing his job in the early years by getting up and out and doing it for him meant he was able to carry his burden longer and not face it. I can laugh over it now, I thought I was doing the right thing for us both, but instead I prolonged the agony. Now I have to let him make the mistakes, even if it means he drinks, drives and hurts someone. How hard it is to think that, but, I have to let him go, I have to let him learn so he faces the hard facts if he does relapse. It is not going to be easy. I can live in hope that he has tried sobriety before and relapsed, they say he may actively remain in maintenance phase because he has more to gain this time round, ie his health. I hope and pray he is selfish enough to put good health ahead of the bottle this time, rather than being selfish and putting the bottle first.

I'm so frightened, I don't know what to do differently, I'm not physically well enough or mentally well enough to take on going out by myself, meeting up with people. I am going to try and see a psych one who does hypnotherapy and see if I can overcome my PTSD and crippling fear of going outside. I'm still only a destination person, go somewhere only if I absolutely have to and can't wait to get back home. Nothing like I used to be, loved going for a drive or a walk, kick boxing, to the gym. How can I be different when I'm already different?