Oh Gerry, if only. DB sisters (& mother) never liked or have felt close to me. The eldest sister (K) is the one who wrote me to say DB will be better when I'm dead - you offered up the moon pie. I still love that.

G the next sister (older than DB by 3 yrs) I tried hard to get along with her, but their culture always got in the way, the fixation with the mother being the conduit for all communication & how all life revolved around her. I always held back at home before going out with them, I would walk to the club 2 or 3 hrs later on my own. My back was my excuse, the reality was I just didn't have anything in common with them other than DB & sitting drinking in the club fawning over the old girl did nothing for me. (She passed away in 1998)

In 2008, we had to go to back the UK for my court case, I was very unwell. I didn't go out on the Saturday night, but got a call at 11pm, it was G - sounded drunk, said T had been bashed at the club. It was February (winter) freezing, I got dressed & walked down to the club (about a mile) went in DB with dad, no sign of T but they knew he'd been hit. I said I'd go check on him and G, walked there, another 1/2 mile, by now it's after 12. As I arrived I heard this blood curdling scream from round the corner. I recognised the girls scream, walked round and sure enough it was their eldest daughter, DB niece being beaten by her current partner. I grabbed her, somehow held him off and frog marched her home, she hanging off my waist & legs sobbing, nose spread across her face, him trying to pull her back. Somehow I got her to the door and shoved her inside, barred his entry & told him to go home, sober up & we'd talk the next day. I cleaned her & her father up & I walked back home, got in about 3am. Dad, DB and others were up, told them what had happened & we could all get a few hours sleep & go in the morning.

So 7am we're all down at G house, the phone ringing incessantly it being this boy Avron. Somehow it became me who was answering the phone, it was me that rang the police and it was me that had to go outside to confront the boy & tell him police were on their way & I suggest he leave us all alone. His words to me were, "why do you care, they all hate you, they can't stand you" I said, well I'm married to DB so they are stuck with me , she is my niece & your behaviour intolerable, please leave. He threatened to hit me, he was in his car, I have a vivid memory of me doing the chicken dance in the middle of the road and singing the song. I'm not a tall person, in those days I was 163 cm (now 159) I weighed then 56kg (123lb) All this while I was so unwell, DB is upstairs in the house with his sister G, she's saying to him, I'm having a bad day & everyone accepting it as if it's normal. Dad & T tending to the daughter/grand daughter. Looking back now with what I know, G alcolholism had her firmly in its grasp.

Do you know what, not once, not a single time has anyone in the family ever thanked me for what I did that night & the next day. None have said it was brave, good on you for helping us all, nothing, nada. Yet I know if I hadn't intervened that night he could well have killed her, certainly he tried again the following week after we left fracturing her eye socket, jaw and rebroke the nose. He was sentenced for quite some years. I've never enquired if he's out since.

I guess my point is we're not close at all, we are linked forever by DB and Our marriage. I know they don't like me, I know they didn't like me, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to see the way they all behave around me & treat me as if I don't even exist. So I don't actually know why she rings me, or turns to me for help. I've been told in no uncertain terms by the older sister and others that they along with G & T don't like me and G has only ever made an effort to be civil to me because I'm married to DB.

So there you go, yet another sad story tied to alcohol and violence in the family I've shared. It's sad but laughable, I'm not a violent person but I will stand up for myself. I never saw violence within my own family, never really knew much about domestic violence until marrying DB. I guess it's fair to say I lived a sheltered life. I've always said it was my association with horses and the hard work required to care for them that gave me inner strength. I sure had iron strength that night I got her off of the street.

Pam,
I somehow got mixed up about your SIL giving you updates during DB's visit; especially he and his brother's touching good bye. Your SIL seemed quite thoughtful.

Realized all the issues about DB's sister while he was visiting. Thought DB's sobriety may have some influence on her wanting to try to get sober. Also thought his sister was turning to you since you were so supportive to her brother and his recovery. Didn't realize how they felt about you. They obviously were greatly influenced by their mother. I really find when people are that nasty to others; they can't have a very meaningful life and are unhappy themselves. Sad.....


Gerry

Pamela, I found what you shared deeply moving. I cried when I read it.

I reckon that you and DB are brave and honest people, dealing with everything that life has thrown at you.

You deserve each other and I admire you both.

Hi Gerry, totally understandable there are 3 SIL, 2 are SIL by being sisters to DB, that's K (moon pie) and G (alcoholic). 3rd SIL "D" is the one I get on wth and love dearly, she is SIL by marriage, she is married to DB brother M. It was her I referred to at Xmas as being so good to DB, so caring, loving and kind.

This SIL, she & I have a lot in common, we've been ostracised & targeted by the family as well as subjected to viscious gossip & rumour. I'm fortunate I don't live there, but D (& M) does & within a 3 mile radius, she and M have nothing to do with the family at all anymore, too much grief. Even DB just being home at Xmas bought grief to D door. A sad family gripped my small mindedness, bitterness & alcohol. I guess actually I'm blessed to get on with DB father & brother. They seem to be the only ones with actual sense and a kind heart. Much like DB.

410 days, Valentines tomorrow. I'm cooking a lamb roast & apple crumble pie for dessert. DB seems a lot better this week. His Testosterone injection due tomorrow hasn't seen him spiral down in the funk just prior to it as it has these last few months, maybe the moving it from every 14 days to every 10 is working.
I've got to go back into hospital this Friday for another procedure, more upper spine fractures. No idea how I sustained these ones, I don't recall a fall or a significant jarring event recently... anyway, at least we know what's been causing me so much upper back pain!!

Yummy for the Valentine dinner.....Lucky DB...

Pam, I know it was a while back, but I recall an occasion where at work, you had chased someone causing a scare for one of the employees. I think you had had some sort of pain issue afterward. Wondering if this may have been the start of what you are dealing with now.

Sure hope and pray you can finally get relief physically and emotionally. You sure have been on a roller coaster.


Gerry

DB went bicycle riding yesterday - first time on a bike (outside) in years. We bought new bikes back in 2012, I rode mine (with 4 vertebrae fractures as we found out later lol) in determination to try enjoy a vacation break in our summer house. DB at the time deep in the grips and not remotely interested in fresh air etc. So I was very surprised when he announced he was going riding Weds around the foreshore with a mate of his from work. His mate cycles regularly and is a non drinker, he asked DB as we live so close to the foreshore could he come to ours to park & then go cycling. DB said go one better, I'll join you. They cycled about 30k, it's 12k round the foreshore, they did it twice plus added on an extra leg by going over to the bay. All in all it's a beautiful cycle path with wonderful scenery, that coupled with cracking weather yesterday seems to have made for a good day out. He was knackered & when I got home snoring like a trooper on the settee. DB said this morning he enjoyed it so much he might make it a weekly outing and maybe when I'm better I can join him. I'd love that, I got the bikes in the first place so we could cycle together on the foreshore, I had gone a few times but not since 2013 when I hung the bike up (literally from the roof in the garage) & it's not been down since. I hope I can get well enough to do it.

DB setttled into a deep funk again. Nothing seems to reach him, refused to speak with his family on Sunday night. RDO's the last 3 days, his funk descends every fortnight on his weekend RDO. He verbalised today he thinks it's because weekend RDO's always meant time to drink. And now weekend RDO he just doesn't know what to do with himself. I'm making sure he is drinking water and not getting dehydrated in this humid weather. But I can't do much more for him when I'm not in the best health myself. He managed to get himself out of the bed and to the couch. It's a huge improvement, no meals eaten in bed either. He chose not to go to an I group last night, not sure he could have driven himself anyhow. There is another tonight but he says it finishes at 10 and it's too late given he has to be up at 4 in the morning for work. I've offered to drive him there and pick him up so he can sleep on the way home, but the way he is, I tend to agree a 10pm finish will be too much for him. I still wonder if he is bipolar type 2. Wish I was better equipped to deal with this. Tired of worrying anything I say might tip him over the edge, and I don't mean into the soothing arms of alcohol.
I will see my GP this week and get a referral to a cardiologist. That may take some stress off of his mind. His partner was rushed back into ICU yesterday so in all DB has had a cruddy hospital weekend of stress. I've tried to explain its one reason why he may be feeling so blue, things appear to be beyond his control right now and while sober control is something he has always preferred to have.