Pam,

I agree, having a phone conversation will be much better than the messaging.

If db and BO are still together, this is going to be even more difficult for rehab to be an option. You can only do so much... But it's worth a try. BO may not enjoy this side of him and won't be around much longer.

So Miss BO was told to leave Wednesday, by Thursday threatening self harm, begging to stay to the end of the month. DB realised while telling me I was just not interested in hearing anything about her. I said again, I’m not talking about her or alcohol, I am concerned for your mental health. But, that said I do believe you will be able to think & see your future more clearly once she is gone from your life. I have said he can call me any time he likes. Surprisingly he looked calmer than when I last saw him. Perhaps telling her to leave is as he suggested “the first step he needed to take to sort himself out”. The new dog is quite small, bossy and cute and he’s been told when the 2nd one arrives next month, they have to be kept separate. Not sure how he will achieve that in his new abode, it’s not set up like we had here. Another thing he didn’t look into in his haze of lust.

I spoke with his psychiatrist, as I signed a contract with DB in 2015 his psychiatrist is still able to discuss minor things with me. I explained what has happened & he alluded to previous discussions with DB. Bipolar. He believes DB has been on a bipolar high (not sure if I mentioned last year while I was in hospital with BO urging DB quit all his medications other than the testosterone injections) and is now on the downward slide. DB has always resisted/ denied he has BP. Doctor has suggested I try to get DB to consider in-patient hospital rehab, even if it’s just the 14 day in-patient followed by the daily / evening group sessions. The same as he did in 2015 that then lead to him going to the “sister” rehab down South. Doctor agrees my approach is the safest. He asked would I consider DB living here again, I said not while BO is in the picture, I fear for my safety. But, if she is gone entirely from his life & he has lived on his own & if it becomes necessary he can stay in the back half of the house.

I will be putting my needs first & self preservation must be my priority. I could see DB looking at me yesterday- really looking at me. I believe he was surprised at how mobile I am and how good I actually look. I’m not referring to the recent cosmetic I doubt he would notice that. I mean my body and how I’m moving. I’ve lost 12kg & I’m able to get down on the floor with the dog and stand without any help. I think he realised yesterday what he’s lost.

Pam, it is great that you are putting your needs first and it is excellent to read about your healthy weight loss and increased mobility .

I hope that, while it is his call, DB does spend some time as an inpatient to deal with his Bipolar. When I spent about a month IP there were other people there with a Bipolar Dx - having their medication adjusted as well as non-pharmacological approaches helped them a lot.

And now his dad has been rushed into hospital. I can predict this month and the next will be full of recrimination, blame and angst. Dad has Parkinson’s & has been hospitalised for a “water infection” translate - urinary tract infection.

Actually dad is worse than just an UTI. He was found on the ground outside in the very inclement weather UK is experiencing. Had he not been found he would have frozen. Thank goodness for caring neighbours. Hypothermia, UTI and further complications. Not been released from hospital yet. At least the family members who haven’t spoken for years have started talking again. I pray this is not the trigger to lead SIL back to drink. It is hard not to care despite all that has happened.

In it all
An the progress you have made
Do not loose sight of your path in this all
You are taking care of you
Were he was unable to do the must important things a partner had committed himself when asking you to be his wife
And none of the credit is his
You found the strength you always had and are moving forward
I believe he may be bipolar myself included
I just haven’t fount the right doctor
Having to take a good look at some patterns I too may be
But that’s not the point as I go through this life I am responsible for the care I give myself nothing but I who wants to be better

You are looking at you for the first time in a while and you have made positive changes in your life mind and spirit it has begun to shine
Only you know what infidelity has done to you
It is not a excuse never forget that
And of course having an empathetic person it is in your makeup to want to help this is time for him to be by himself and figure out what’s going on with him
Just like you did for you
You know how to do things you have become your own
You can take a look at yourself and see what you can do for yourself and be even stronger and that is something you did for you and have come a long way in such a short time
More power to you
Now he must do the same
Time for him to take care of himself better himself so that if you should decide to reconsider and reconcile it be your choice to be honest about what he wants and what he has done
Life is so difficult
It is meant for us to be partnered up
Are we not
In the end happiness and the gift that many do not understand
It’s not the ring that represents commitment
It is the gift of honesty
The most precious gift one can give to another
May he find himself as you have
Love
Me

Pam,

With you planning to return to work in February was glad to learn your movement has improved. Hopefully pain issues are also improving.

Any new info on db and BO? Are they still together?

I’m working 3 days a week atm but go full time from February 1st until July. I feel nervous because there are lots of office politics and the RGM is not happy this was all done without any input from him. Fortunately I get on with him, but it can make for difficulties in the next 6 months...

Miss BO point blank refuses to leave, she has made a bed up in the corner of the spare room, 2 sleeping bags on the floor. He cut the Internet off this Friday and no longer buys food. In less than 30 days she used 356GB of data on the internet, given she is not working I surmise she will find it less than pleasant with the internet disconnected. And I’m confident there will be an alleged slashing attempt. She has already made various threats. I made it clear I’m not interested in hearing any of them. The lease is until the end of May. He can’t leave unless someone takes over the rent and as she is also on the lease, apparently he can’t kick her out. In his words “I made a silly mistake putting her in the lease” it took all my will power not to laugh” silly mistake indeed.

He rings every day & sounds a little healthier, I am sure once she is gone entirely he will turn the corner and I won’t have to worry for his mental health. I saw him yesterday and he looks shocking. Very tired and drawn. I on the other hand look a picture of health.

Pam, it makes me very happy to read that you are a picture of health.

Pam,
I didn't realize you had returned to work. I recall you mentioning the February 6 month
full time position. The "office politics" can be quite uncomfortable. I hope all turns out well.

db must have realized this situation with a 21 year old (not to mention her emotional issues) was not going to last. From the very beginning he was giving you mixed messages about his feelings for you. Can't help but wonder if he wanted to hold on to you with the hope you would be there to pick up the pieces when this was over. He obviously misjudged you.

The positive side of this is you finally taking the time to care for yourself. Feeling good about yourself appears to have had an effect on your health and appearance as well. The best is yet to come dear lady.