But I really don't know what to do.

I have a close friend who has a 30 year old son. He's a full blown alcoholic. Been hospitalized for pancreatitis several times. They give him medicine, he gets better, he comes home. Back to drinking beer.

He is not working at the present. He had a good job. He wont' stop drinking. Lots of family dynamics going on. Lots of issues. Other people drink in the house (but not to the same degree).

This family has tried to get this guy into rehab. They've been to Al-anon. They've called the police. They are always told the same story.

No one can force anyone to go into rehab.

They tried to get him out of the house thinking if they called the police, the police would take him out and put him in rehab. (This is New Jersey by the way). They found out it doesn't work that way.

You can't force anyone to stop drinking or into rehab.

They have had ex alcoholics come to the house to try and talk to the guy. Forget it. He recently found out he was adopted. Didn't take it well at all. They even had an adoption expert come to the house to try and talk. All the guy did was go back up to his room and drink. He won't talk to anyone.

Lots of stuff going on in that house. But the bottom line, is he's killing himself and there's doesn't seem to be a thing that anyone can do.

I find this almost impossible to believe. But after I made some calls myself to Al-anon, I was told the exact same thing. No one can make someone stop drinking.

And sure, she can go to Family Court, and start evicting proceedings. This will take up to 6 months, and he'll still be drinking. She doesn't want to do that.

So if anyone out there has ANY ANSWERS as to what my friend can do to get her son the help he needs, well, I'll be happy to pass on any suggestions.

And you might suggest stuff that they've tried. If this happens, I'll just say "Tried that one, didn't work".

They have had interventions, (they actually had family members come to the house to do an intervention and they bought a bottle of vodka). They are from another country, and it's a custom to do social drinking when they have family get togethers. When I heard this, I went ballistic and said:

"Of all the dumb things I've heard, well, that has to be the dumbest". My friend agreed and told them to put away the bottle.

They tried to intervene. The 30 year old would have none of it. He drinks beer all night long, passes out, and sleeps all day.

So what is a parent to do when you have this situation and you are told "you have no rights, you can't make him stop, he'll probably drink himself to death".

I have never witnessed such a tragedy in a family like the one I'm describing.

Surely, THERE HAS TO BE SOME LEGAL WAY to put this guy into rehab so he'll get clean after a few days, and then do the therapy thing. I mean, he obviously needs help. They have a friend who is a lawyer, and even SHE said "there isn't a judge in the world who would sign him into rehab". He has to commit a crime, drive drunk, etc. to have a judge order him into rehab". He hasn't done any of these things. He just stays home and drinks.

Never been arrested for DUI's. When he gets sick, they drive him to the hospital. The last time he drove himself. He's getting sicker all the time now.


My friend admits she enables him by providing meals, bringing in food (she says if left up to him, he'll destroy her kitchen, and she can't let that happen).

Lots of enabling going on here. She knows this. She says "I have no strength left".

I gather that her biggest wish is that he would come down the stairs and announce: WELL, I'M READY TO GO INTO REHAB, I'VE HIT ROCK BOTTOM'.

This is not going to happen!!!!

She just announced to me that she is leaving me something in her will (??????). I said "do you realize what you are saying?" She said "if he dies, I'll end my life'.

She started drinking last year just to cope with her son's drinking (I do not understand this way of thinking). Believe me, she knows what she's doing. I said 'you can't tell him to stop drinking when you drink wine every night" She said: "yes, I know, but it numbs me". Of course I advised her to get herself to AA but she says "I'm not ready to quit". There's too much going on in my life right now. Oh brother!!!

By the way, he was adopted as an infant, and they just told him last year. He is furious with them and throws this in their faces every day.

He has been drinking for 10 years. I never knew this, They live in another state. So, to quickly sum this up, he's been drinking since he's 20, found out he was adopted when he was 30, and he hates everybody.

He is not working, his union has him on furlough at the moment. His insurance would pay for rehab but he won't consider it.

Any advice that I can pass on to her (she probably has heard it all, but I thought I'd run it by you guys).

Much thanks.

Hi Melody!! Hopefully you will get some more responses here!!! This forum is read often but not too active.....and I do NOT beleive that I am the only alcoholic here
There are a few others that do post on occasion...I am sure that they will see this thread!!!

I posted this on the other thread:

First off I want to ask you something? Do all of your friends come to you for advice? You must be tired! Girl, take care of yourself first OK?

Second, I grew up with alcoholics and still have some in the family. The best thing they can do for him is to boot him on his butt right out the door. Yes this is hard to do but they are not responsible for his behavior nor reluctance to get help. They are enabling him, point blank. If he continues to be given a place to live and his bills being paid, food on the table, etc., he will most likely never stop. They do risk the chance that he will continue to drink no matter what but they have to do something instead of enabling him.

I would also suggest that the family revisit Al-anon and really listen to what is being said. They cannot take blame for him, force him to stop or control any part of the rehab process. If he chooses to continue to drink it's on him and only him. It is a disease and it's a hard one to break. However, only he can do it. Enabling him only makes it worse. And the family who brought booze to the intervention? What in the world were they thinking?

The best gift his parents can give him is to let him fall and pick himself up. He is verbally abusive and disrespectful of the home and love that he has been given and that is unacceptable.

Also, the serenity prayer is for anyone facing trials and tribulations, including the parents:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Sandy:

I've told her everything you wrote. Everything. When she called me from the hospital all hysterical thinking he was dying, well, since I couldn't be there (different states, etc.), I just helped her through it.

That's when i found out she also was self medicating with liquor.

And one thing I have to make sure that you understand. You cannot boot anyone out of their house any more. At least not in the states we live in. I checked on this too. I actually spoke to a policeman asking him 'what do parents have to do to get their adult sons who drink, out of the house?"

The policeman replied "Maam, that's the single biggest call we get evey night. We respond and there's the kid drunk, and the parents are wringing their hands and they want us to cart him off to jail and put him in rehab".

Then he said: "We have to carefully explain that this is HIS residence. He has established residence, so he can't be booted anywhere. As a matter of fact, if they lock him out and change the locks, and the guy calls us, we can arrest the parents. So we have to tell the parents that the guy has rights."

He went on to explain that years ago, this law was still in effect, but no one enforced it, and parents kicked out the kids. But now, with civil rights, and the fact that the kids know their rights, well they can't be kicked out. It has to go through family court and that takes A LONG TIME.

So this is not happening. He cannot be forced out of his home. He has rights. And he knows them. He has told them so.

In my opinion, this is going to kill all of them. She's self medicating with booze at night so she can get numb, go to bed, get up, and go to work.

I told her "every single decision you make, well you are making it with a brain full of wine" She said "but I don't drink during the day". I said "doesn't matter, it's in your system"

I'm not getting through. She calls me less and less because she doesn't want to hear the truth. That's fine by me. If people can't apply what they have heard, then they are going to FALL BIG TIME.

It's only a matter of time before I get the BIG CALL that the guy's in the hospital again. She'll go nuts.

Oh brother!!

Thanks much.

If the law is the only thing holding them back then they should get up to family court and get the ball rolling. I had no idea about the law being so hard on the parents. The fact that he is abusive should be enough to get an order for him to move out. Maybe encourage them to call the Intervention show?

Melody..Ive been sober in AA for 18 years..He will get sober if and when its his idea..Thats all there is..You and his family are powerless over his alcoholism..You will not stop it no matter what you do if he is not ready..We get sober by the Grace of God, and we stay sober through the willlingness to apply the 12 steps to our lives with God's help..All those close to him can do is go to Al Anon to deal with their grief, and keep the faith..Sorry that I dont have a magic answer, but that is the crux of it

Hi Steve:

Last night during our conversation, she again asked for help. I asked her permission to put her WHOLE story, on these forums. She said 'by all means, I need all the help I can get".

Well, after reading your posts, I realized that YOU ALL SAID WHAT I HAVE BEEN SAYING ALL ALONG.

So she just called me, perfectly fine, perfectly sober, telling me that she was sorry, that she was in a bad way last night, but that her son had gone to a party across the street and was fine.

I simply said: "Last night you and I spoke and you gave me permission to post your whole story". She said: 'Yes, what did everybody say?"

I then said: "Be very sure you want to hear what these people had to say, because these people are fighting their own addictions, they are in recovery, they know exactly what is happening at your end and they ALL gave their take on it, so be VERY sure, you want to hear what they say".

She said: 'Well.....give me time to think about this, don't tell me yet".


See, she knows, but she doesn't want to face it.

Big denial here.

I can't do a darn thing. So I'm going to go out to a garage sale with my hubby and we shall laugh.

I feel bad for people and their addictions. But don't we ALL have SOMETHING that we are addicted to??

I ate for 50 years. BAD CHOICE.

Now I make better ones. I wonder if I'm still a food addict. I have heard, once an addict, always an addict.

I guess I'm a food recoverer (if there IS such a thing).

So thank you all for your good advice.

When she's ready, I'll print everything out for her.

Bye for now.

Melody

Hey Steve!! Saw your post...I had a feeling you may pop in and post! Hope you are doing OK. 18 years wow...my 8 years has been so worth it...life is great! Hopefully, like you said..by the grace of god, Melodys friends son will find his way down the path we are on!!
Take care Steve

Steve:

Wow, 18 years. That's terrific.

Thanks so much for sharing.

I spoke to my friend earlier today. Everything was fine. She ALWAYS calls me at night. ALWAYS. She didn't call tonight. Tried to reach her. No answer.

Something happened. I just know it.

oh well.

All we can do is pray and hope things work out.

Take care,

Please let us know when you know Melody OK?