Moose:

I read everything you said.

As far as No. 2 is concerned "put her in a car and drive her to rehab".

I don't drive, and we live in different states. We see each other from time to time but she won't drive long distances and it's her husband who takes her evrywhere. So that option is not going to happen.

And get this.

Two minutes ago, she called me all hysterical.

Her son has been admitted YET AGAIN, to the hospital for pancreatitis. He's been drinking since he's 18 and he's now 31. He might also have pneumonia.

She called me from the lawyer's office because she's involved in a dispute over a will, and this dispute involves her family.

Her family won't let her be with them when they testify and accused her of threatening them this morning (when she was in the hospital with her son). Her husband was with her.

Her family ARE PIECES OF WORK, believe me on this. They are after money and they'll go right over her.

So, in HER mind, she has no supportive family, her son is an alcoholic and is AGAIN hospitalized, she is in an unhappy marriage, blah blah blah.

I wasn't prepared for the phone call this morning. I knew she was going to see her mother and other family members but she was not prepared for them to accuse her of what they did. And no one thought the son would have the crisis he had.

A family member died two years ago and EVERYBODY wants a piece of the will and everybody is suing everybody and they are all accusing each other of this and that. This goes on all the time when it comes to estates, trusts, wills, etc. This I know.

But she cries and says "but she was my mother, what kind of a mother does that". I would say "When it comes to fighting over money, the greed comes out in everybody, so just get clean and sober and stop focusing on YOUR MOTHER, because you can't do anything about YOUR MOTHER but you can DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF.

Doesn't work, because her coping mechanism is alcohol. I know that after the court case is over by this afternoon, she'll visit her son in the hospital, then she'll go home and get plastered. She absolutely is not up to getting clean and sober. that much is obvious.

It's very hard to walk away from someone when their son is in the hospital and she HAS ABSOLUTELY NO FAMILY MEMBERS to talk to her (whether on the phone or in person).

No one is a winner in this case. I fear for her sanity.

Her voice was trembling. She was sober (because she was in the courthouse in a stairwell).

I told her "you must stop crying, comport yourself, and stand up, go back in the court room and face your mother and family. Don't break down.

I have no idea what's going to happen.

Good Lord, it's hard enough having an addiction problem, but then your son's in the hospital, (because he's an alcoholic), and now your mother is in the court room accusing you left and right.

I never heard of so much drama in one day in all my life.

I know I gave her good support over the phone.

This woman WILL NEVER GO FOR HELP. Not on her own merit. She will probably have a breakdown, be hospitalized and then she'll be FORCED TO GO TO REHAB. At least I think that's what happens.

I might be wrong.

Her husband is so embarassed by all of this all he does is get mad, calls me up and says;

"why can't she stop drinking"??? He is from another country and they drink socially all the time.

I just calmly said "she has a disease, she needs to go into rehab".

His response" "that's ridiculous, I can have a drink now and then, why can't she".

Oh, and you'll love this. Last year, they did an intervention on the son.

All the father's family came over to do the intervention. What did they bring with them? A bottle of vodka.

I just stared at the phone and said "what???"

Someone had the wisdom to say: "put that away, he's coming down to the kitchen".

Good Lord.

Melody

well, I never thought my mom would get help, much less succeed, and get a TEN YEAR PIN !!

but, she did... people's inner strength to kick the bottle amazes me, and she's proof that programs and support WORK.

like our Moosie, it took a car wreck to make her see the light.

raised to be a good Catholic girl, my mom endured the utter degradation and humiliation of being ARRESTED, handcuffed, and jailed.

luckily, nobody was hurt in the accident, but that was enough of a wake-up call.

SHAME WORKS !!

my mom was so ashamed that she actually HID the gin bottles from the GARBAGEMAN (when we cleaned her room, we found dozens, and dozens, in the closet, under the bed, under the bathroom sink, in boxes on the shelves, BLEH !!

Melody, in order for shaming to work, the person already has to have a sense of shame.

is your friend ashamed of what she's doing?

or perhaps, you can convince her that she won't get a "slice of the pie" if she doesn't sober up... to handle the legal details.

and then, she won't ENJOY "eating the pie" unless she's sober, she'll just fritter it away.

good luck, and keep us posted on how your friend's doing, Melody.

Melody, I don't know if this helps, but alcoholics don't quit [because it's too HARD] until they hit bottom or lose everything, including friends. Tell her your her friend, but that she has a problem which is killing her, and you don't want to support her in this. Say you will be there when she has completed treatment and started regular AA meetings. And then hang up. For even better advice, attend an Alynon meeting. Don't know where one is? Call your local AA chapter. Been there done that billie bluecat

Hi Billie:

Well, she still drinks every night. I don't talk to her at night anymore. I don't even phone her. She phones me. She is very lonely since her son moved out. And yes, he is still drinking. Even with his pancreas problems.

And she is still drinking her wine. Every evening.

But a very odd thing happened yesterday. I have been busy for two days and I didn't know my phone was off the hook. So if anyone phoned me it went directly to my Verizon voicemail.

Last night around 6 p.m. I noticed that my phone was indeed off the hook and I said "Alan, I bet people have been trying to get me". I picked up the receiver, heard the beep beep beep (that tells me I have voice mail messages) and sure enough there were 4 or 5 messages from her with a worry in her voice saying "Melody, are you all right, where are you, I'm calling a friend and we are coming over, I don't know what to do, WHERE ARE YOU?"" She lives in another state like I said in previous posts.

I looked at Alan and said "Oh my goodness, what is wrong with her, why is she so dependant and worried, can't I have my own life for 2 days??"

He said "you better have a talk with her".

I had to go out and I told him "If she calls (and I knew she would), just pick up the phone and say "Hi, the phone was off the hook, we didn't know it, she went out for a bit, she'll call you back".

(Oh, 3 or so years ago), she couldn't get me (phone off the hook again), and when she finally got me, she was crying and said "I called the police, and told them that I can't reach my two elderly friends". I looked at the phone and said: "ELDERLY???ELDERLY???"

Then (this is 3 years ago), while I was on the phone with her, I could hear helicopter noises on her end of the phone and I said "what on earth is that?" and she said: "oh my god, the cops made a mistake and they are circling MY house instead of yours".

I said "Don't you ever do this again, don't send any cops to my house, are you crazy?" And this never happened again.

WELL!!! when I came home last night at 7:30 p.m. I phoned her and said "What is wrong with you, I'm fine, why are you so worried".

She kept saying "I was thinking of you all day long, I was so worried, I called my friend Shirley and we were going to drive into New York and go in front of your apartment until we saw you".

I said "Didn't you stop and think that MAYBE my phone was off the hook again, AND WHY DIDN'T YOU EMAIL ME? (She doesn't like to use her computer).

She said 'That's what Shirley told me, and I was going to have Shirley email you and if we didn't hear from you one more day, I was going to get her to drive me to your house in Brooklyn".

I see where this is all going. She is extremely needy and dependant on me. I get that. But I can't stand having to account for my whereabouts TO ANYONE.

I guess I should be happy that someone cares if I live or die, But honestly, to have her call her friends, and have her think of calling the cops, and have someone drive her to my home to check on me ...simply because she hasn't spoken to me for one day and one half, is absolutely ridiculous.

I have no idea if this behavior is linked to her drinking.

Can someone please clarify this for me.?

Much appreciated.

Melody

P.S. And I know about ALANON and all the other programs because I went to Gamanon meetings when we found out my son was a gambler.

Saved my sanity.

Never gave him a dime after that. I knew not to enable.

Melody - I feel that t he dependency behavior as well as the compusive behavior are linked to the drinking, but that is not to say that one caused the other. The same personality characteristics of excessive dependency and compulsive behaviors, also depression, anxiety, paranoia, ect. have some tendency to concur together with alcohol/drug abuse. Also, they say that when a person with a predisposition for alcoholism begins to drink, their emotional maturity stops. For most of us [I'm 19 years sober], this began in adolescence, and even after sobering up, I'm still trying to grow up and to stop calling the police when I can't locate my aging Dad. But he's 85 and usually at home, so there is some basis. Besides in his small town, the only officer knows Dad and the usual places to search, but still. I recall that I started drinking to ease my childhood depression and anxiety. She probably has little control over what she is doing, rediculous or otherwise. How is her husband connected? Is she dependent on him, too. Sounds like it's his place to inact an intervention. Is she intoxicated or drinking when she talks to you? You might try, "I love you and I'm fine but I'm going to stop talking to you when you're drinking. Even if she calls the police, they'll get used to it. They deal with such things all the time. Try Alonon. I'm been basically homebound since I retired. [After I quit drinking, I substituted workaholism], so Alynon might still be able to offer the best answers. billie

Billie:

Funny you should mention the word INTERVENTION.

Quite some time ago, she phoned me and said "I had my intervention today"

She has other friends who live closer and who drive and who she is friends with for over 40 years, and they got together with HER SON, WHO IS A RAGING ALCOHOLIC, and they did an intervention on her.

When she told me that she walked into her living room to see ALL OF THEM SITTING ON CHAIRS, and then HER SON SPOKE UP, and said "Mom we are worried about you, you are falling down dead drunk, passing out, we are all worried, you must stop". (well I just sat there looking at the phone because an alcohlic gave her an intervention???

So I just replied "So what happened"?> And she just told me what everybody said and I said "so what are you going to do?"

And she said :

"I'm not ready but I'll think about it'.

The very next day she phoned me and said:

"I am mad as hell, I just spoke to my therapist and she said "HOW DARE HE GIVE YOU AN INTERVENTION, HE'S AN ALCOHOLIC".

I said: "Let me ask you a question, "Your therapist doesn't think you should go into rehab??" She said 'my therapist always says I will go when I'm ready"

That was probably a year ago, and nothing changed.

Billie, you wrote:

"Is she intoxicated or drinking when she talks to you? You might try, "I love you and I'm fine but I'm going to stop talking to you when you're drinking. Even if she calls the police, they'll get used to it."

I have done this MANY TIMES. By the time she comes home from work, she hits the wine, and by 6 p.m. she calls me and she's slurring like crazy.

The other night I said "oh my god, you're drinking already, how many have you had?" She said 'no, I'm not drinking". She couldn't put two sentences together by the way. I then repeated "how many have you had"?
And she said: "Only 2"

I do not enjoy having conversations with her because she never remembers anything we speak about.

I guess I must be the most uncompassionate person in the world (I sound like I am don't I).

I guess I've been through so much with my son, I am absolutely numb.

But I thank for your advice and much congratulations on being sober for 19 years.

I think the bravest people in the whole world are the people in recovery.

Melody