A time when you really learn how to live fully
by Tom Swift
published November 4, 2007 12:15 am


When my wife was pregnant with our first child, she had me place my hand on her abdomen to feel the baby kick. Of course, that was often the instant the baby chose to take a nap.

Sometimes, however, the baby would kick or punch or roll over underneath my hand.

I exclaimed, “I felt it!” Suddenly, the baby she had known and felt growing inside her became more real to me.

Ready or not, I was going to be a father! Fatherhood has turned out to be a delightful journey.

A new chapter

I embarked on another and very different kind of journey this year when I was diagnosed with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS).

Also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease, ALS is a progressive and fatal illness characterized by the gradual weakening of the voluntary muscles.

A symptom of the illness is muscle twitching, called “fasciculation.”

Recently, I was sitting with a friend at dinner. As we discussed my diagnosis, I asked her to put her hand on my arm.

The muscle in my arm under her hand twitched, settled down and twitched again. She felt the muscle move and said, “I felt it.”

My illness became more real to her in that moment.

The journey changes

Ready or not, I have to get ready for another life-changing event, but this time I have a decision to make.

Will I live fully until I die or will I allow the illness to take away my zest for living long before I die physically?

ALS will probably kill me. I have heard the dreadful statistic that 50 percent of ALS patients die within five years of their diagnoses. (In this regard, I like Mark Twain’s statement, “There are lies, there are damn lies and there are statistics.”)

That is all in the future, however, and I have to live in this moment, this day.

Each day’s choices

As I awaken each morning, I am presented with several choices.

Will I have peace today or be full of anxiety about my future?

Will I spend the energy it takes to love people — my children, friends, co-workers and patients — or will I keep the energy for myself?

Will I seek the joy of living or settle for going through the motions of work and relationships before falling exhausted into bed each night, dreading the new day ahead?

These are the decisions I must make every day and sometimes several times a day.

The baby that was growing in my wife has become a beautiful woman.

As I choose to live each day as well as I can, something is growing in me, too.

When the demons of depression and despair about tomorrow conspire to pull me down, I am learning to keep my eyes open for the beauty and joy and love that are always present.

They give me the energy I need to keep going.

I am beginning to wonder what will happen if I live as joyfully as I can each day.

What will be born in me as I choose to live?

Tom Swift is a chaplain with CarePartners Hospice & Palliative Care Services (formerly Mountain Area Hospice). He lives in Hendersonville. A monthly ALS support group for patients and caregivers meets in Asheville. Contact facilitator Pamela Brown at 252-1097 for more details.

http://www.citizen-times.com/apps/pb.../71102072/1194