Hi Queenbee,
I must say that they're lucky they have you to care about them so much.
You mentioned that their son was wanting someone else to tell his mother. Well, maybe if no one is caring about or for them, then it will have to come to that and the Doctor or the surgeon will just have to do that although it sounds as if it's really neglectful that the son is allowing this whole situation to continue especially under the circumstances. I just can't understand it. ugh. Personally I think that the risk of losing the friendship is less important than the safety of the parents, but that's not a position that you or anyone should find themselves in the first place.

It's also really hard to imagine this can go on too much longer without anyone except you doing anything to help them out. What a worrying situation you find yourself in right now. I don't know... I think if I was in similar situation and I knew the doctor's name I'd have to intervene. If your friend is not going to do anything about the situation and in light of the dangers involved there might not be any other choice.

Well, I'm thinking of you. I hope to come visit here one day and hear that the son has sorted out some of his parent's affairs and that they're safer and receiving care. You're a good person for having helped them out. I'm sorry that the Mother thinks her sons can help her when they're not doing that at all. I guess people are like that. I'm like that and know others like that. We have our independence and it's difficult to give up even when we're really ill. Not sure if she's just being stoic or not though.

Talk later.
Lara

Edited later to add:
I was just reading an article down the list in the forum which Chemar had posted quite a while ago... it's regarding care of the caregiver. I thought it was very good. Maybe your friend doesn't realize just what is available out there to help him help his mother. It's an excellent article. Maybe you just will have to keep throwing this info. out and hope that your friend finally "hears" you.

http://www.medilexicon.com/medicalnews.php?newsid=56554
Counseling Alzheimer's Caregivers Postpones The Nursing Home
15 Nov 2006

Queenbee, if you are in the states, you can notify the local senior services in the county where they live and they will do an investigation of their living circumstances. At least they do in most states. If they are found to be in a state of neglect or in harms way then a guardian can be appointed and maybe they will have to be moved into a home or relatives will have to be notified - but it is dangerous to be in the situation how they are...

I am in a similar situation... my in-laws live in an apartment. My father in law wants to take care of his wife who has dementia and is blind and incontinent. He has tremors and in his poor health and I would say is starting to lose his congnitive faculities himself (he thinks 911 is new and does not know that area codes need to be dialed, for instance and is extremely hostile) but his son thinks he is fine and is living how they want. They only have help 5 hours a day, 6 days a week. The doctors wanted 24 hours a day 7 days a week. He makes very poor decisions and yet my husband will not intercede as his thinking is that this is what is making his father happy! So it may not be the doctor but the people making the decisions as the doctor cannot force the patient until damage has been done. Then the state can step in and actually take over.

Thank you everyone for your kind replies.
This is a difficult situation but made more difficult by families reactions to this . I come from a very close family even though we are seperated by many miles. We have always been there for each other no matter what. Never once have we made a decision based on how will it interfere with my life.
I guess this is why it is so hard to understand .
Thank you all again