I just got back from the surgeon. He talked as if the craniotomy next summer was a sure thing. Honestly, I kind of believe that myself. Even though It is all based on how my three year follow up does. Dr Spetzler said if the aneurysms continue to grow maybe I should “bite the bullet” and shut down the basilar artery once and for all. (a second bypass) I am just not ready for this. (is anyone ever really ready for this?) Dr. Spetzler said if it were him it is what he would do. This from a guy who is a God to other neurosurgeons.
We talked about making some life decisions here. I told him now of course I would obsess over this even more.

Just before I left I talked to the resident who discharged me from Barrow a couple of weeks ago (Spetzler’s resident) and she said I could resume a normal life, full activities. Just go for it.

However this Dr. today, who my wife pointed out knows my entire history, thinks I may want to go out on disability until I hear if I am having surgery or not, I don’t need the stress. I continue to deteriorate in various ways, speech, walking into things, loss of short term memory, writing getting crappier, dragging my right side when I get tired (probably a holdover from the stroke.

I did ask if this guy could crack me open to stabilize me if they pop until they get me over to Barrow in Phoenix. He said he could do that, but he wouldn’t undertake the reconstructive portion of the surgery. that’s saying of course I last long enough to get there. (I hope they don’t lose the bone flap.) On the second bypass I asked where they get the artery and he said the radial region, so I asked how do they fill the gap when they remove a section and he said from another artery ,so I made a joke about moving the hole.

Anyway, he said the fatigue could be my meds combined with the stress of my brain, I took a four hour nap yesterday. OK, so I hit the 5 stages of grief at different times, Anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

He also said they could pop any time (that would be a bummer at a tournament), so I have to decide how I want to live. The problem is, I don’t know. I have never been a quitter, but it sounds pretty easy.