I need some answers so I joined this forum. OCD is devistating when you try to love somone. Pull to them and love you (while drunk and nice) push you away in a couple of days (very angry and hostile) It has almost killed me. I am now on no contact after 2 years of tyhis push and pull. He is very sick with anxiety, alcohol to self medicate and hooked on ativan and diabetic. He says he is fighting for his life and I cause his so much pain and anxiety. I have done everything but love him in every way I can. I know he needs help but is trying to do this al on his own.His alcohol withdrawal is so severe, his nerves are fried, his blood sugar is so high and his ativan is up to 10 mg per day. I fear fro his life but he says if I come see him he will call the police. He cares about me and talked about getting married but he wont let me help him. I am so confused. Maybe I was just another one of his compulsions as we have a major attraction for each other and have fun when he is drinking. He is so mean when he is not drinking. You wouldnt believe the things he says to me out of so much anger. I have gotten sick trying to understand. I had never known of theseissues in my life and wish I had never seen the ugly side of all this because I am such a caring and sensitive woman. I am trying to understand what to do. It seems I have to let him alone for now but my heart is broken and I am afraid for him. I also dont like feeling I was just a compulsion of OCD when I thought it was really love. Can anyone relate to this? Please share with me...

Hello libbyc,

Welcome to the NeuroTalk Support Groups.

I'm really sorry you're in this position.
Have you talked with a counsellor about your feelings and what has been going on in your relationship? While you are having a break from each other is probably a good time but it sounds as if he needs urgent help with his own situation like the self medicating and other behaviours. Is he willing to get professional help at all?

In reading your post I don't so much see it as a compulsion, I see it more as a mutual need or codependency. He needs you but he pushes you away. You love him and you worry about him and maybe even to the point of obsession because you are SO worried about him.

It concerns me that he's telling you that you are the one causing him anxiety and pain.
He's causing himself anxiety and pain.

It's difficult really to make suggestions reading a post, but if I was in your shoes, I'd get some advice in counselling for yourself and go from there.

Welcome libbyc10.

Ouch! Glad you found NT however. Hopefully there will be a some good souls to reply. You really are in a hurting position. I am old. I know I think what love is suppose to be. Forgive me for saying this, I would walk away from the man. I would heal myself of the pain and grief and get going in a better direction. I don't think he wants help, and he has pushed you away enough. Go ahead, take a chance walk through another door when you feel better. I guess that is what I would do. I want the real love...not the heartache that kills you. You said it yourself. ginnie

Thank you for your reply. You have some good points but its hard to walk away from somone even though they can't love you. He has never been married but says he wants to more than anything but just can't seem to get his problems worked out. He is so any and hateful when he's sober but inside he is a good person. Maybe ond day he will come back to me with a better handle on all his issues. He says he has to get better on his own in his way. I can understand this but why can't we even be friends. Everytime I get near him hecant keep away from me. If I stay with him he is callin me in 3 days telling me I cause him so much pain and anxiety. We have laughed and danced and cooked and talked about his personal problems I am certain he doesnt share with anyone else. he has a guilt and shame issue after we spend time together especially if its intimate and loving.

what does this mean? Can you explain?

Sometimes when a person has OCD he needs professional help. His emotional back and forth, between wanting you with him, then not, is not healthy. He also doesn't really want to get any kind of help, to help the both of you out. The guilt and shame that goes with being close to someone shouldn't happen Libby. That is to be a joyful thing, not one that produces guilt and shame.
Sometimes we pick people to love that are not ready for love, or have too many issues for real love to take hold and prosper. You want a relationship that does not hurt. LOVE does not hurt, it surrounds you and supports you. This man, as much as you might love him, is not showing the responsibility that goes along with a lasting relationship. You have to get rid of the problems, the extra baggage, and for both of you to be healthy emotionally to have the type of relationship that lasts a lifetime.
I walked away from men for 20 years. I just could not pick someone that didn't hurt, or have some real issue that got in the way. I just gave up. Then after I grew up, maybe got a bit of good faith, then I was ready for love to happen. Then it did. I had to fix myself, and make sure the man was stable, before I even considered a friendship to start.
I guess my choice to grow up first, get older, wiser and healthier emotionally was what was good for me. I would rather have 5 blessed years with true happiness, than a lifetime just hanging on to someone that cannot fulfill me, or himself. You have to be full up yourself, so the overflow, can go to someone you really love. Did I make any sense to you? ginnie

He abuses you because he has learned that you will let him. He will not change without you changing. You need to show him that you are a confident, self respecting woman. The best way to do that is to walk away from him. Let him know that you will consider a reconciliation after he gets help. And, make sure he understands that you mean it.

While you are with him your confidence and self respect will wither away until there is nothing left. For you to take control again, you need to be alone for a while. Spend some time reacquainting yourself with you! Spoil yourself a little. Go to empowering classes, yoga, etc. the stronger you are emotionally the easier it will be to help him.

And you might just learn that you are worth much more, deserve someone who will love you in a positive, nourishing way. Currently, what you have with him is toxic. Go away and detox.

Only my advice based on life experience. Feel free to ignore it.