[Alffe]

"We find a place for what we lose," wrote Sigmund Freud to Ludwig Binswanger after the death of his friend's son. "Although we know
that after such a loss the acute state of mourning will subside, we also know that we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute.
No matter what may fill the gap, even if it will be filled completely, it
nevertheless remains something else."

Some say survivors never recover from a suicide. "Life is back to normal, but normal is different now," says a man whose son hanged himself. "Normal will never be the normal it was before a year ago." A man whose teenage daughter killed herself two years ago says it helps him to think of his grief as a physical handicap: "Some people can't see, some people wan't walk, and I can't seem to enjoy life," he says matter-of-factly.
We never really essentially get over anything. We resolve it in such a way that we can go on."

Certainly, the sheer weight of the pain eases with time. In Madame Bovary, Flaubert describes a young widower's passage from suicidal depression to something approaching normalcy:

Ah well, slowly but surely, one day chasing another, spring on top of winter, autumn on top of summer, it leaked away, drop by drop, little by little; it left, it went away - it sank down, I should say, because there's always something stays, at the bottom, so to speak...a weight there, on the chest! But it's the same for all of us, we mustn't let ourselves go, and want to die just beause others are dead.

The Enigma of SUICIDE by George Howe Colt

chapter 8......A Place for What we Lose.

[Nik-key]

((Alffe)) Thank you for sharing this I'm going to go see if I can order the book.

"we mustn't let ourselves go, and want to die just because others are dead."

That is the key isn't it? Trying to learn to live with the pain, instead of letting
the pain consume you too.

Something my doctor gave me yesterday, I am only going to share a tiny bit of it, the full paper can be read at http://lifegard.tripod.com/After_a_Suicide.pdf ...

" Terms like "healing" or "getting over it" or "closure" do not apply to what is experienced by someone who has lost a loved one to suicide. A suicide loss does not go away and it can not be left behind.


.......one way to understand suicide loss is to think of it in terms of the layers of grief that it involves. It is much more severe and complicated form
of the same grief that we all feel when we lose somebody that we love...

The first layer relates to suicide being avoidable. Grievers feel responsible and guilty.........

The second layer relates to the seeming intentional nature of a suicide. Those left to grieve may feel that the victim chose to leave them, which generates anger, betrayal, abandonment and rejection.....

The third layer relates to suicide's unanticipated nature, which leads to the search for the "why." Most family members and friends never saw it coming. Being blindsided by suicide generates anxiety, fear, and a sense of vulnerability. These feelings come early and come on very strong.

The forth layer flows from the stigma and shame still attached to suicide....

Helplessness shapes the last layer. It opens the door for hopelessness, the mindset behind the emotional pain the precipitated the victim's suicide. Suicide grievers are at a high risk of suicidal behavior.

.......... Recovery from suicide loss is not passive. It will not happen by only letting things run their course. It is active, something that has to be worked at and worked towards. It is how one gets back his/her well-being and quality of life. ........
.................................................. ..........................................

Except the forth layer - as I have no shame over Dad's choice.... every other layer sums up some of the emotional hell I am in. The last part, "recovery from suicide is not passive" put things in a bit better perspective for me. It is unlike any other death, time will not simply lessen the pain. I need to keep working on it, and part of that work is finding the right tools to help me. Be it a support group or a grief therapist. So hmmmm, I am not going crazy after all, this IS my new normal.

[Nik-key]

Alffe, is this the same book?

November of the Soul: The Enigma of Suicide
By George Howe Colt

[Alffe]

What a great question Nikki. *grin I went to Amazon looking for the answer and I'm still not sure.

This review is from: The Enigma of Suicide: A Timely Investigation into the Causes, the Possibilities for Prevention and the Paths to Healing (Paperback)
I have faced head on the aftermath of suicide and this book was finally able to bring healing and answers after 10 years of not understanding 'why' and feeling guilty and ashamed. I would not have been able to face the catastrophic grief this book brings to life any earlier than this. This is not for someone in their first years of healing but if you have a suicide in your past or have ever contimplated suicide then read every page. I read every day, and most days had to stop when I couldn't see the words for the tears. But in the end I feel free of the guilt I carried for so long, and understood, and normal again. It's different but a new different. And it's stopped any thought of contagious or genetic suicide from effecting me. Walking through the grief of the surviving families was the most healing, powerful, insightful, life changing experience I've known.

****************

The cover of my book says nothing about November of the Soul. Mine is a paperback (soft cover) over 500 pages and it's based on "hundreds of
in-depth interviews". Hmmmmmmmmmm.

Maybe Doc.John would know.

*whisper...I hope you're sleeping like a little baby.

You know Nikki...on reading that review, perhaps it's too soon for you to read that book.

[Nik-key]

Well ok then I will put that on my list to read.... later. Thank you! I know I am not ready for some
of them....I was reading the previews of some of them, some give you many chapters. I found
Survivors of Suicide by Rita Robinson very offensive. So much so that I tried to write her that minute
and decided I should calm down a bit first
Thank you for the warning