You know, just on the surface I'd have some concerns about what she wrote. And understanding that I am only goig by what you have said and what she has written and no more understanding of Vince or how things have unfolded.

1) If Vince was threatening to tell his mom so that she can 'take the teacher out', was crying, depressed and acting up etc why on earth did she not write to you, or better yet pick up the phone and talk to you rather than leave it to Vince to relay his version of events first? Lets assume for whatever reason Vince had not chosen to let you know what had transpired, and she had not informed you then you would be none the wise today and dont you rely on the other professional adults in his life to keep you up to date with what is going on for Vince each day (Hazel used to have a 'day' book were the teachers wrote a paragraph or two every afternoon so I knew what went on. I wrote a paragraph or two back for each morning. If you had something like this then she would know about your ill dog also)

2) "We are trying to teach Vince about boundaries and appropriateness so
that he will be continue to be an appropriate, respectful male."

This bugs me, why could she not say appropriate respectfull adult? The way it is phrased seems to imply and infer more than is being said. I dunno, maybe I am not being articulate enough. But it annoyed me

3) and last of all its the slightly patronising tone - "Caring is letting
a child know he/she is important to you and it is also helping a child
set boundaries. " - excuse me but I am an adult. I dont need a dictionary definintion of what caring is.

4) If lying on the floor with pillows is a time out thing, which in itself isnt a big issue for me, but why do you not already know this strategy? You shoudl have a list of options and techniques that the teacher uses. Particularly for when he is depressed, and acting up.

If it were me, I would feel very out of the loop. I would feel like what else dont I know? Am I waiting for Vince to tell me everything? Whats in his IEP?

This woman may be just fine, despite her patronising tone. You definately need to be involved in what she is doing though.

Sorry to hear about your dog btw
Peta

Peta,
I totally agree with #1, this is something she and I are going to have to work out. I used to get a communication notebook...but so help me they would write stuff I could care less about, and not stuff I needed to hear. It sort of started as more of a notebook about what he ate that day, then, when I complained I wasn't being informed enough turned into a book that sort of tattled on Vince.

#2, yes that was worded in a way that gives one of those 'read between the lines' encoded messages, I have to figure that one out. It was worded oddly, yes, but it was telling (I just don't know what it's telling me yet).

I love how you put #3, hee hee. From what little time I've spent with her, her idea of empathy does feel a bit like keeping warm with an ice cube. I still have to get to know her better, and hope I'm wrong. She seems highly defensive in person, so that might explain the ice cube feeling...but being highly defensive is not productive, but maybe she has to get to know me??? I dunno yet.

Number 4...I forgot about his 'spot' under the table with books and pillows. Just that alone, made me feel better...I didn't realize he'd still have it this year, I thought it was just any old table they told him to go under like he was a bad dog or something.

We had a communication notebook. Last year though we didn't start one, and I didn't ask. I was glad we didn't seem to need it, glad I didn't have the knot in my stomach before reading it, and glad I didn't have to write my little essay every night. I honestly sort of attempted to take a break from IEP-land and autism last year since his behavior was better overall. I was so glad not to be getting calls from school almost daily, I reached a point where I was glad for the break and didn't care that I wasn't involved and didn't care that I shouldn't 'take a break' from being his mom. I wanted to be involved in the good news, but was sick of hearing the bad which was always in abundance. I really do feel I've had continual trouble getting the scoop on how his day is...the FULL scoop. God help me, last year they stopped communicating and I stopped asking. He was with folks that he'd been with for years, so I was like 'whew' and basically stopped (continually) being involved and was only involved on a need to be basis. So, that much I have to admit. When he was at school, I often felt like "your problem!". I feel like I now get the bad mother of the year award, but it's like alls I do is fight and fight. I'm sick of it. Cause too often, it's with folks that don't share my philosophy, so it's a no win situation. Last year though, he was with people that were great, and I was only to happy to be in the dark and let them 'deal' with him. That's how it felt at the time anyhow. But, with a new case manager, I guess I have to get up and running again. I really did feel in the dark even when I was highly involved. But, now with some RDI under my belt, I feel much more sure of what he needs, so I can be more involved. Hopefully, we can all work together (the new case manager and I). I don't like her, I don't have to, and maybe that first impression will change, but if she can do well by my child she will have my cooperation, support and respect and thanks. Ya know? I didn't like the teacher my daughter had for 3 stinkin years, but Carmen did and did well with her so that was plenty good enough for me.

Well, anyhow, I'll have to see how tomorrow goes. BTW, I asked her to print the stuff out cause my printer is broken...actually the cable has dissappeared. And I don't eeeeeeeeeeven have to ask who took it. Hmph.

Oh and thanks for words about the dog. What can I say? It's her time. It sucks, I could go on and on about all the negatives...but it's her time. If she can't have a quality life, I want her to have a quick and peaceful death. I'm prepared, the kids are prepared. There'll be tears, but there are so many memories and positives to think about. She wasn't hit by a car or poisoned or lost never to be found, she's dying of old age. I can't imagine being without her after so long. She's been the best most loyal devoted friend I ever had. I hope she can either live the life she would want, or have the ending she would want. She will not die shivering in fear at the vet's office. I couldn't stand her going out like that. Anyhow, that's not on the table until I talk to the vet again tomorrow, to see if her new meds should be working yet, or if she should start the last (of three) meds.

Well, Vince now understands what she actually said, the teacher understands how he perceived her words and apologized to him and seemed to want him to cry away from the other kids so he'd retain his dignity. But, she and I still have to talk. I'm totally gutted and how far he is behind academically, and see no reason for it that I'm aware of. He can learn this stuff!

A bigger problem I see, is he just has this "I don't have to listen to you" attitude. The other night, after his dad got smacked by a flying rake (Vince threw way up high into the air to watch it spin) I tried to explain for the 800 zillionth time, why throwing can be dangerous. Like, I know he knows so much of what he does, is not ok to do...but does it anyway. I'm always questioning my parenting, his autism, what's impulsivity that can't be controlled and what's autism and what's just a boy who don't want to listen.

So, I said to him, "Ya know Vince, sometimes I just get the feeling that you're thinking '***** you mom and ***** you dad, I'm going to do what I want and I don't care what you want" and without hesitation he said, "well yeah, that's true".

So you mean to tell me all this patience and explaining that exhaust me to tears have been for a child that already GOT IT. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! He's lucky he had a meeting this morning, or I might have took HIM out. Oh, and as for his comment to the teacher about me 'taking her out', he thought that meant getting fired, that I'd get her fired.

So, I am now officially in my 'what have I created' phase of parenting. To be honest I'm scared to death of him walking around with a huge chip on his shoulder, like I had growing up, feeling like everyone had a friend but me, everyone had love but me, etc etc...and in my eyes it was true - actually it was true. And I really had no accoutablility...that is I had accountablility for the teeny things I beat myself up over, but not really for the big things. I always found reasons why I 'had to' do this or that. I dunno. I just felt like the whole world was against me, and not occasionally, it was a way of life for me and I have always tried to explain and explain and explain till I'm blue in the face, cause I fear he will feel the PAIN of his autism, know what I mean? I mean basically I'm doing what all parents do, trying to not do the stuff my ma did that was harmful, and give him a good childhood.

But, am I doing that? Am I giving him less by giving him so much 'fairness', would I be giving him more by having HIM give to others and receive less, or would that just turn him into a bitter resentful young adult like I'd felt. It is quite a trauma growing up for everyone, growing up on the spectrum with no dx and no help....able to memorize enough to stay off the shrink radar (well till I got institutionalized) might have been worse that if I were less functional so would have gotten help. Although, what help? They really don't even have a whole lot now.

Anyhow, just rambling. Trying to sort out probably the very same things we all do. Am I creating a monster or someone with empathy towards others? Is his continual doing as he pleases an autistic thing, or is he just a spoiled brat and autistic too?

He needs to shut up and assume his 'rank' as a child, and learn while he is at school. He seems unable, to 'allow' adults to be adults and himself to be the child.

I can't wait till the RDI consultant comes. I hope she doesn't decide not to. Should be this weekend or next.

I'm officially feeling poopy.
MiliSh!t

I like the teachers reply, every bit of it. The thing under the desk sounds very reasonable and makes a lot of sense in the right context. The fact that she said appropriate male vs. adult is very good as well. He is not an adult, and is not expected to act like on. he is a male and there are different expectations in a males behavior (boundraries) then in a females. So, itsall good to me.

I do think that maybe (don't kill me, or have me killed) that you could be creating a monster. (Am I agreeing with you?) I have clients who do this sort of behavior, they know they will get a staff member to stick up for them when they tell them what happened.. but they leave out little details that change the entire situation. They use this to split staff and get what they want. I also know a lot of aspergers kids who do the same thing. I think its the result of us trying so hard to protect them and advocate for them.

I think by going to the class you will be feeding into Vinces illusion of how the world is. I say this not just for the teachers sake; who will be walking around your child like bare feet on eggshell not to upset you. You and he will also suffer for it long after this teacher is gone.

If Vince sees that he can control/create/alter a situation he will do the same too you, and ... thats just an awful place for him to be.

Whether he is doing it intentionally, by luck or coincidence its all the same in the end. At some point he will know that this behavior gets people to react.

And yes, you can be spoiled, autistic and a brat. I think the brat takes a little longer to develop in our kids.

Oh, Mili, I feel for you, I really do! We have a new teacher this year and I'm pretty much doing the "walking on eggshells" whenever I have to write in our communication notebook. Heaven forbid that I suggest something that sounds too complicated or too obvious when they present me with a question, but c'mon, his teaching team (except for the teacher) is the same group of folks he had last year! Don't they remember things from year to year? I sure do!!! (after all, I am the perfect Mom)

Get that notebook going again, even if you just say "thanks for the update" when the book comes home every night. I know that some afternoons I really dread opening up the book to see what Andrew got himself into that day, but it helps everyone to have the communication always going.

Hey, Temple Grandin says that anyone can be a brat, and that just having autism is NO EXCUSE for not having good manners! So shape up, or I'll have to take you out!! [Why am I having visions of a slap fest on BRAINTALK? Mudwrestling?]

Cheer up, we all have these miserable moments, it is just that moms of spectrum kids get to share them with their friends!

Weeeeeeell, I lost it today.

I started balling, told him I guessed I failed as his mother, and he needs to have a mom that knows how to get him to follow rules or he'll wind up in jail. Maybe he needs a school he can live at, that won't care how he feels or put up with any of his *****. He chooses not to follow rules, and I seem unable to get him to decide to follow them. After thinking and rethinking his admission, that when he breaks rules it's cause he's thinking "***** you mom, I don't have to do what you want, I'm gonna do what I want" I'm numb. Over a period of 3 hours, I've consumed one and a half beers, so aparantly can't even get drunk right. I've felt so strong and positive with the introduction to RDI, but RDI won't change the parent I am I guess...and I'd be a better parent if I knew how. I had a mom that didn't hug, say I love you, protect me what so ever, and finally stuck me in an asylum which was totally unfair cause I'd do anything for an ounce of love from her, anything. I have to wonder, am I repeating the same cycle with my son? Cause I've been killing myself trying to get him to 'get it'. I have no problem believing his bratty or dark side - but I have a problem seeing it, knowing what I'm seeing, and aparantly even Vince my autistic son can pull it over my eyes when it comes to manipulation and ulterior motives.

I am unequipt to do the ulterior motive thing. It's just not in me to do or to see others do (mostly, I have lucky times sometimes).

Anyhow, I'm low. Not the kind of low that won't get better, I know it'll get better...but I'm just more than anything in shock. I really thought, all he did that drove me nuts, which is CONSTANT was accidental so I tried, I really did, to be understanding and loving. If there was a residential school he could go to, I'd pack his bags tonight. I'm not blind to his bad side by being is mother...and I've seen mother's like that. I'm blind to so much as an aspie, I usually have no qualms with my neurology now as an adult, but man, I feel as incompetent as a zitty skinny flat chested frizzy haired high school kid. I'm just kind of numb really. Like, well what do I do now? Cause honestly, I'm frickin tired. Ya know?

Oh, and Keg, I wasn't competely sure what you were saying...I can say anytime I go to school, Vince hates it cause I expect much more from him that school does. I figured once he stopped wanting me at school and was like, "please don't come" I must have turned some corner in the right direction. Anyhow, I just wasn't completely sure about all you said. I'm too whipped to read it again....

Hey, that's a good word. I feel just whipped, broken, like a stinking beaten horse.

HOW DO I STOP CARING ABOUT HIM, AND START CARING ABOUT THE OTHER THREE PEOPLE IN THIS FAMILY????????????? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT????????? IS THAT WHAT I'M DOING WRONG?????????? I mean, no one has to actually answer that. I'm just glad, blessed, lucky, so happy to have you all to post to here. Who else would I even talk to without you guys?

Thanks for listening,
Love,
Mili

HUGE HUGS MILI

It is not easy to be a MOM for a special child.

Hold yourself somehow together, try to rest on it, take breaks in your room, close the door, it helps your sanity.

Think about this other aspect of the situation that is not talk about. I observed while my boy was on Risperdal and worse off Risperdal that he needed food almost every 1 hour and a half otherwise he would have an episode of aggression or self-injurious behaviour.

In Vince's case looks like his thoughts become dark and testy. His assistant should observed the time when he become "depressed" talking about death, start to utter threatening words, becomes aggressive, etc.

For my Danny we place small plates of food at 1 hour and half because by 2 hours it was too late. A little drink, fruits, some nuts, milkshakes (do you have Ensure?), crackers/bread (in those times I was not aware of diets like GF/CF) with PB or Nutella, snacks that we knew he loved and then he would go on smiling. All that besides his 3 meals. He was/is very skinny like your boy, perhaps he has a fast metabolism and needs to eat more often.

Risperdal affects (changes or damages) the way the the body metabolise foods/drugs in general, specifically causing in some cases hyperglycemia, the way to diabetes. On and after Risperdal my son was diagnosed with it.

So do research "drug-induced hyperglycemia" or "Risperdal hyperglycemia". I think I spell it right.

Again <<<<HUGE HUGS>>>>>

I wish I had more than a few seconds to post you. Mil, you have to stop thinking that you can be the perfect mom that your mother was not.
None of us are perfect, all our kids will grow up with their issues. You must get that illusion out of your head, and just be the best mom you can be to both of your kids.
Of course this is a bias opinion, but I think you should see a psychotherapist to help you, with your issues. You are a pretty cool person... and yet you seem to forget that... why is that so?

Isabelle, he'll be off the risperdal soon enough (finally). Eating more frequently isn't a bad idea at all. I think they do feed him a lot at school, he gets at least 2 snacks plus lunch. I send these packaged oats for snacks and some other stuff that is pretty good for ya.

Keg, I don't think I need a therapist as much as I need to see examples of how to manage a spirited kid. I need an old woman from the south that raised 7 boys to whip me into shape, so I can whip him into shape. Having no ma or sisters or cousins or whatnot to raise kids with or talk to about it, having no on else involved in your household to butt in once in a while and get me to thinking...it's not the best way to find better ways to parent. Plus, I tend to think he and I are so so alike, and although we are in some ways, we couldn't be more opposite in others. It's going to be a shock for some time, that I have been running myself ragged for a child who consciencely KNEW what he should and should not do and consciencely DID NOT CARE what I wanted. I thought it was impulse issues, blah blah blah.

Plus, I have to admit seeing my darling dog so sick...I have to carry her everywhere. Poop just falls out. She's emaciated now. I feed her constantly and chicken and beef - not even dog food, and still she loses weight. I'd have put her down already, but her CBC showed all her organs are functioning just fine, and her xray showed something in the discs of her spine that is inflamed...she's on antibiotics. If she has an infection in her spine as they think, I want to give her every chance. I'll know in 6 days, when we try the last med. This one isn't working. Also, she's holding down her pain med thank God. So, it's sort of a combination of things...mind you as much as I'll grieve missing my dog when the time comes, seeing her like this is what's killing me.

And don't worry, I do think I'm cool...I'm always willing and open to try to learn, and improve and develop as a parent, wife, person. I think that's cool. Also, I don't have a mean bone in my body unless my feelings get real hurt or I have pms. I lack feelings of competence, yes, that goes along with the aspergers territory. But I do think I'm a good person even if a lot of my actions are butt backwards. I'd just like to have a good old fashioned 'big mama' in my life, to help me raise my kids by helping me get my feet more firmly planted. It's great to want to learn and improve, but I don't want to be flighty either. Ya know? Mostly, I feel like I want a practice run with Vince, so I can rewind and raise him again with hindsight...but who doesn't.