Well, age 9 is creeping up faster than I want to acknowledge it LOL! So maybe that will be the age of understanding for mine, as well.

My dad's side of the family *who have mellowed out and apologized since their crap from when I was a kid* is extremely tolerant of Aaron. My aunt went to school years and years ago to be a CTC *but ended up drawing maps for International paper company LOL* So she is very very good at interaction with him and so is her daughter.

My mom's side of the fam is kind of 'I dont get it' about the whole situation-- mostly because they dont spend any time with him. (And my cousin has an autie too, go figure)

I have to share this, before I forget.

There is this boy, he's maybe 14 or 16 that sits outside one of the main roads on the sidewalk to watch the cars go by. I see him come into my store a lot too with his family or aides. (He's seriously adorable)

I have seen him rocking/stimming while watching the cars so Im probably safe to say he's on the spectrum somewhere.

Yesterday I drove by and waved at him as I drove by-- and he waved back! That was seriously the best warm fuzzy! It gave me some hope that maybe in the future, my son would wave back to me too.

I just wish this whole thing wasnt so uncertain.

Amanda do you have a faith? Sorry to be personal and you sure dont have to answer. But I found my faith has helped a lot. That "uncertain thing" is what drives a lot of worry, can create depression, and make the whole future seeem gloomy and unbearable. But it's just that you dont know what is ahead. The truth is the 'future' doesnt just land on you all of a sudden in one day, it unfolds, it evolves and you deal with each step as you come to it.

It is stupid to say do not worry. As I worried, I was also angry that we had autism in our family. What the hell had I done to deserve this? My friends all had their normal kids and their normal lives and I was left with a child who wasnt toilet trained and spoke in riddles, had terrible balance, was clumsey, and drove me nuts. I loved her, she was cute and had gorgeous blue eyes and a big heart and innocence that brought out the mothering instinct to protect her. But it wasnt fair.

My next daughter down hit milestone after milestone and each time she blossomed it just painfully highlighted the things Hazel was missing out on. I intelectualised things and analysed stuff but in my heart never I truely accepted that Hazel was special needs. I looked for cures, but gave up earlier than other parents. I also resented Hazel, even though it wasnt her fault. I had at one point 2 daughters and a son. I thought of myself as having 1 daughter, 1 son and Hazel. I still do a bit, I now have 3 daughters, 1 son and a Hazel. She is so different. Its like having 3 dogs, 1 cat and a giraffe. One of the pets stands out more than the others. and one of my kids stands out more than the others.

When she was 12 I had a watershed moment. I wrote about it on the old MGH board. There was a combination of things that occured. I had the 'Welcome to Holland' poem in my head for months and I understood it with my head, but not my heart. Then Breezsha performed in a dance recital at our town hall. Hazel sat with me in the dark but acting like a fruit loop. And I was fine until the senior girls (Hazels age) took the stage. This is the class that Hazel would have been in if she wasnt autistic. I knew all the girls from school and from the dance studio but had never seen them dance. They did the most gracefull, and delicate and powerfull dance that ripped my heart out. The music sliced through me as I watched these 12 - 13 year old girls pre-womanhood perform seriously skilled footwork and talent. Tears poured down my face as I was 'letting go' of all the anger and pain and emotion of 11 + years. Hazel never was one of these lovely girls and she was never ment to be. She was just ment to be Hazel and this was OK. As I was wrestling with all this - in the dark in a theatre seat Hazel wanted to go to the toilet and got up and crossed the whole audience area (there would have been some 600 - 1000 ppl in the audience) and in a lull in the music and for all to hear she shouted back to me "MUM - DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE TOILET?" It kind of puntuated my full acceptance that she was never going to be like other people.

I knew Hazel's life might be crap as an adult, restricted, limited and unfillfulled and so I poured my soul into at least letting her have a good childhood. Even though we could not afford it I spent months organised and buying a pony for her 12th birthday. I figured if she was to have a crap future I would at least give her the best 12th birthday. This was another milestone for me. Accepting I could only do my best with what I had.

Hazel is 18 now and its not so crap. Its not brilliant, but not as gloomy and filled with dispair and disappointment that I anticipated. It is actually full of hope and hilarity. Now I know you can not compare apples with oranges and your son has different issues. But I am supremely confident that when he is 18 NO MATTER what he is able to do and not do 1) you will be ok with it 100% 2) that the bleak future was not nearly as bad as was imagined the sky never fell in. 3) the stress and worry will have melted away 90% 4) you will believe that it had been a good thing to happen for the person it made you become

It is a journey. Which is cliche but true. And the start is rocky and painfull and you have no clues where the destination is. But if you can have a little faith and just deal with each step and obstacle as you come to it and not worry it will get easier I promise.

Peta

I can't say I'm more anxious because of the ASD diagnosis with our boys. I did go see a psychiatrist though--kinda for personal reinforcement that I'm ok. I was treated for bulimia as a teen, had my oldest son at 17, my brother is bipolar, aspergers, and paranoid (my dad and him were frequently violent), in general life sucked growing up r/t my brother in general. My parents did not know how to cope or handle my brother at all. Now my mom has just thrown up her hands and walked out.

When the boys are stressing me out, I have noticed I do have some regression. Esp with the eating issues, I'll go for weeks where I WANT to purge more than anything else in teh world or I just won't eat. I don't sleep well because it seems like once the boys goes to sleep all I can do is worry about is what's next. Then I'm so tired the next day...that old ritalin in the cupboard can look so nice...so it goes down the drain.

What's helped....I'm working 2 days a week at a mental health hospital with children and adolescents. Sometimes it is irritating because I feel like my work and home are so much alike-what's the difference. But it helps, for me, to remember that there are lots of other kids like mine--in our area. It helped me find the community resources in this area, seeing the effects of different meds, learning more behavior modification techniques, physical intervention techniques, and teaching classes about coping skills does help utilize them myself. I am somoewhat scared about going to support groups etc, because what if a patient's parent remebers me. I worry that they'd be offended or something. I think it also helps the hospital also having parents of ASD kids because it helps improve the services offered. My oldest was admitted there before I worked there so I know what things bothered me when I was on the other side of the table, and I've made efforts to try to verbalize changes that need to be made in those areas. I will admit that I am not very open about my homelife with coworkers that I am not familiar with. But the more people I have talked with, I've learned that everyone has a child, sibling, cousin, personal exp, etc. that leads them to like their job. It doesn't pay that well to choose that job without having a passion for it.

I can't say that I am not ill myself, but I am able to cope with my problems without them interfering with my day to day activites. Which according to the psychiatrist lets me be considered "normal."

Sorry about the delay in response here!

SM, yes I do have faith. Recently, though, we left the church we have attended since I was pg with Aaron.

They had been helping us and praying for Aaron and then we found out a whole lot of very bad and unbiblical stuff was going on behind the scenes (and the pastor/leadership was completely unrepentant of it) and we made the decision to leave in December of 05. Its been hard healing from that as well as all the other stuff going on.

We recently started going to a new church *it actually meets in the same building as the old one, so that's kinda weird...* but everyone understands about Aaron and is so compassionate. The pastor's wife is a speech therapist, even! Typically, they have the 3 year olds go to Sunday School, but Aaron is about 18 months old developmentally, so they let him stay in the nursery-- he doesnt bother anyone and is a relatively good boy.

I totally understand about the 2 dogs, 1 cat and a giraffe!! That kinda made me giggle !

The cry of my heart is for Aaron to be able to communicate with me verbally and coherently. The only communication he does with me is to have me fill up his water bottle for him. There are a few other things, but its very minimal.

Victoria is the same developmental age and is way past him. She brought me the "Cosby Show" Dvd and asked if she could watch "Show?" I have no spectrum worries about her.

I have hope for this new RDI program, especially since its parent based. I am royally ****** off that I had to find it myself and it was already at Aaron's school! Halleluija that I was asked to be on the parent advisory committee because I shouldnt have had to go looking for the services that were already in the daamn school-- and I will voice that concern. MILI gave me the email address for the lady that will be doing Aaron's RDI!!! Dont you think that in a special education only school that they would tell you what services they had there???? DONTCHA THINK?????

BOLLICKS!!

Anyway-- thats one stressor that will be dealt with.

CCKids-- I am currently making a conscious effort to change my eating habits as a stress response as well. Im sort of the opposite--- I would eat when I was stressed. I joined weight watchers and now have boundaries. But gosh, sometimes its super tough.

I started working part time at a local grocery store to get not only some extra money, but to get out of the house! I love it. I work in the healthfood section. Im able to learn more and more about supplements that could help Aaron in some areas. Almost all the people I work with I've known for years and a few of my relatives work there too. My sister is the assistant manager in my department and my cousin works in the dairy department. Its just fun to have the social outlet. Especially since we had been away from church for so long. (Another plus is most of the men in this store are very easy on the eyes--- dont get me wrong, Im hopelessly in love with my husband, but wow, the scenery isnt too bad there!)

I kind of dumped some friends that moved on from that old church too. The way they were wasnt healthy for me. Constantly negative and always absorbed in gossip *but they swore it wasnt gossip, just information on how to pray for someone...riiiiight....* It just seemed like the right thing for me to do. (I have just quietly distanced myself from them)

Anyway, its late and I need to get to bed. Thanks for the helpful words