I don’t know why but recently I feel a bit scared to post things on the new board. Fear of being stupid I guess. I got my book published (finally!) and i guess i feel a bit vulnerable. i am sure that a nobody like me won't be able to do much about selling my book. so the best antisocial way to sell it i figure would be to have an ebay store for less social interactions (plus someone can use thier CC to buy it). so i made the ebay store http://stores.ebay.com/AutisticMoose to help calm my nerves about meeting people. i know i am suppose to be dealing with my social anxieties but at least i am identifying them? one step at a time. the next dreadfull step is to go to poetry readings in PUBLIC!!

I can’t explain it but I have read a few posts on the board and my heart starts to flutter and i get shaky like i do in social situations (which hasn't happened to me much on this board). I feel like I want to write something but I will just come of stupid or what not? Make any sense? Maybe it is because I fear failure with my book and i don't want to be made fun of or hated? Or maybe I just need more self confidence? What do you guys think?

First of all it's amazing and exciting to see your book in print - wow!

As far as all your feelings you mentioned, here's my take on it. Disclaimer...these are my personal opinions, not provable fact, but fact to me!

The one thing every person on the spectrum gets real good at, is feeling incompetent. It really begins to dominate weather you realize your feeling it or not, and spread into all other kinds of feelings....anxiety, fear, worry.

And that feeling of incompetence comes from so much trying and failing - but also from such a crappy ongoing appraisal system. Eventually it becomes engrained in our hardwiring. This can happen to nt's too, but it always happens to aspies. When we get even the smallest amount of success it's like....'ok, when am I going to screw this up too'. If someone is friendly to me, I sort of await the 'end' immediately. Cause I know it can't work. Never does, and I'm never sure why.

It's like, I know I'm a good person, and I can think of lots of positive things about myself, so it's not exactly self esteem that's the problem (although that's pretty beat it's getting better and better). It's that I seem to feel everytime I try, I'll fail....and I think a lot of that feeling comes not just from failing, but from a crappy ongoing appraisal system, which everyone on the spectrum also has. You know what I mean?

I know for a fact everyone here likes you, enjoys your posts, wants you to keep coming and keep posting and not leave ever. It's clear to me you are a genuine and good person. I love that you post vunerabilities, and if that was something you couldn't do here, then this place really isn't that great...but you can. I've never been sorry for posting my vunerabilities and I've really gone over the edge a few times online, and always been tremendously supported. And the funny thing, that is HARD when you're not used to it. It's like, you keep waiting for the preverbial shoe to fall so your relationship here with everyone is over cause once again, you messed up. You feel (or I felt) that I must be accidentally tricking people, they think I'm this person that deserves them and I don't...I mean, not so much anymore, but in the beginning, it was actually HARD to deal with so much acceptance. Also, as in real life, it took me a really long time to feel comfortable knowing online social parameters...ya know? Like, I just didn't know quite what to say, how to say it, if I should say it. I spent a lot of time worrying about, well about everything negative.

I think you are brave to post your worries and fears, and I hope you feel supported by me now, and always. No matter what you post about, the genuine good man that you are always shows itself in your writing. That's what I like so much about you. You seem pretty devoid of any meanness and vengence and all that mess. Your book....hey, face it, you did it! And it's going to sell, and you're going to do the poetry reading thing around people, and you're going to succeed at that too! If you think it will help, tell yourself that..."It's going to be ok". I learned self talk maybe in my late 20's. Someone told me to tell myself that, and over time, it really started to help instead of going over all my thoughts of doom. I would think, the genuine and good man that shines through here, also shines through in real life...and that is why you will succeed and build on that more and more feelings of competence.

And anyway, where else can you go but here to be surrounded by so many women you lucky guy, hee hee.

Mili

I just read your book description on eBay, wow, that is really well written, and again shows you as the genuinely good person you are. Wonderful. So well done.

Mili

thanks, your always so nice.

and thanks for buying my book Granola Liberal, i really appriciate it.

Glad to see you AutisticMoose. Welcome!!!

cj
(who's also feeling low on confidence in posting and I also don't know why...maybe it's the uncertainty of this board which has the appearance of the old board...but we know it's not) There's also not so many posters here yet and that makes you 'show up' more...since you can't get lost in the crowd) I dunno. If I had it figured out then I probably wouldn't be having a problem figuring out what to post when.

i wish i could pin point it, but i can identify what has made me start posting if that helps. i am thinking of the things that make me happy, like my hexagons or poems when i get nerveous as i am typing. i had a friend (MILI) talk to me about what i was feeling and that helped me identify more boundaries of why i wouldn't post. then she had an idea to make a thread about what i had been emailing her. and eventually i got the nerve up to do it. so it took quite the bit of effort for something that seems so trivial. but i guess trivial is in the eye of the beholder.

Being stupid is our God given right as humans

Mistakes are part of what makes us unique and lovable - that is, if someone likes you to begin with, your mistakes won't be a biggie. If they don't like you, they'll use your mistakes as weapons against you. That's what I think based on working for 10 years in an office full of all women - talk about being scared!!!!

I finally feel free to be a goof, or odd, or wierd, or whatever. As long as I'm not intentionally mean, then I'm ok with me. Now certainly, there are days this does not apply, like pms days or what ever. But after 6+ years of practice here, and support from all the GOOD people here (which everyone has been, weather or not we always got along) I finally have the feeling of "just post as yourself, careful not to get too 'high' from finally being accepted somewhere that you get careless or rude or snotty, and if you are not liked here, this might not be the right place for you".

Although I have to admit, if I was asked to leave cause I was that obnoxious, I'd be crushed...I've been called obnoxious more than I can tell you, and honestly don't understand why...so refer to my first line of reasoning (if someone don't like you, no matter what you do they'll find reason not to like it and use it as a weapon against you).

I have come here during my highest and my lowest.

From offering my phone number and address cause I swore I wanted someone to pick up my son (that would have been my lowest for sure) to telling stories about getting stung in the lips (no, not on my face) and the biker that got it out on the highway. What HAVEN'T I said here.

I feel safe here. And am trying to learn some parameters of proper talk and not proper talk...but ya know, proper kind of also depends on who I'm talking to and their personality, proper is not a solid thing like I thought it was. It's flexible, depending on too many factors for me to ever ever calculate.

So, look at it this way. If you are posting as YOU, and that's not good enough for the folks here (which won't happen) then this is not the place or people for you. If you get acceptance and support and are willing to give it back, then it is the place for you. If you make a mistake....so what. If you say something stupid, then at least also make it humorous and....so what. Why 'so what'...cause you can always edit and delete or just say "oh, woops, I take that back". See?

Ok, this sucks...now I'm worried about how everyone will feel about what I just said!!!!! But I know I meant well, so I'm going to post it.

Mili

Oh, and all that goes for you too CJ...you're a total doll. Everyone knows that.

i know i'm not a real part of your group here, but i wanted y'all to know you are a wonderful group.

i thought y'all could use a snack.


courtesy of chemar.

OMG, are you a hallucination

Baawawawa...get it, not a 'real' part...baawaa waaa waaa waaa...

wa.

Ok, maybe not that funny.

Seriously now, of course you're a part of the group and forum. I'm sure anyone with cupcakes that cool totally belongs here!