Okay.

I had asked, because when I was growing up, there was this camp for kids with VI. Well a couple actually. I think the first time my mom sent me, I was looking forward to it. But you know, I missed being home, and of course there had to be a lot of social stuff that I just didn't 'get'. Not that there weren't fun parts, there were, but I think the awkwardness tended to outweigh that.

Well one year (maybe the second year, maybe not) I said I didn't want to go. I was sent anyway. I think I went back and forth different years whether I *wanted* to go or not (I think I knew there were fun parts so sometimes I'd want to go for those), but either way I was made to go. I remember one year asking my mom why she was doing that to me, and she said because it forces me to interact with people. Heh...yeah, I'd muddle through if someone initiated interaction with me, but it sure didn't make me seek out interaction. I was definitely the wallflower of the group.

Anyway, one year, I was wearing glasses at the time, I forgot them at home. So a day or two after I went to the camp, my mom brought them to me (if you're going to a camp for VI, and you use glasses to help with your vision, you really should have them lol). Well she came on the scene and I instantly melted down, begging her to just take me home. She of course wouldn't. I was holding onto her and I remember someone from staff had to help pull me off of my poor mom so she could leave! I calmed down when she was away, but I remember that whole event was traumatic.

Of course it was all attributed to 'homesickness', which may have played a part in it, but I think a lot of it probably had to do with all the social stuff that I didn't 'get' no matter how much I was 'forced' to interact.

So I had wondered if this was something Coley wanted to do, or if he was made to go. Sounds like he was interested in doing it and looking forward to it.

Still wouldn't surprise me though, if there were things that cropped up that he didn't know how to deal with.

Here is my two cents... I think Coley was deeply offended that you took Jacobs side. It was not your intention, but from what you said it sounds like you did. You could have said the same thing in a different tone and it may have sounded more supportive, although it may have not made a difference because Coley is already in a bad place mentally.

Jacob was being pretty rude to do what he did, but its an addition insult when he said "what are you deaf" made Coley feel very vulnerable, he knows he has issues. (Don't get on me about the deaf part, to a kid its still telling him there is something wrong with him).

I am sure he has adults constantly point out where he is wrong, thats how it is for all kids, but having other children do it as well is very demeaning.

From there things just tumbled downwards.


Put yourself in his shoes.

I don't think you should have beat up on Jacob, but it does seem like Coley is on his own and that is a lot to expect from any child, especially one with his own issues.

I did pause for a moment, and the thing that really hit me was that SO often when he is being, I guess impulsive, he does act like he's in his own world, like the whole noise making thing, which is what I kinda thought about.

So I said pretty quietly and so he was the only one that could hear, a reminder to him that when people ask him to stop, he needs to do that. This is a REAL problem with Audrey too...and the whole idea really scares me for later on in life.

I didn't say it mean or with a tone, just kinda in a reminder tone...like Oh Coley this is a good example...just wait a minute.

The toy was a little lego guy on a bike...I'm sure Jacob was concerned that if anyone touched it, it'd end up in pieces. None of the other kids were touching it either, I'm sure that before I got there the same instruction had been given to the group by Jacob (and probably to Coley several times hese the def comment), and there was sorta a choir of "Oh no!'s" and "Coley!" and gasps and things while Jacob said what he said.

I was pretty offended by Jacobs "What are you deaf" remark too, but couldn't think quick enough to comment on that, particularly in the middle of a group of noisy kids, the place was packed, ya know.

I'm sure that in hind-sight I could think of a bunch of different things I could have done...and I'm sure next time something like happens I'll handle it differently...lord knows I've run the gammot with it, it happens SO often...

It was more or less the whole, if it wasn't that particular incident, I'm quite sure it would have been something else, because that too happens all the time...

I thought about if I had waited in the car a few more minutes until he had gotten into the class...

but I'm pretty sure that had I walked into his class after he was settled and playing that he would have ran out or dived under a table.

And I'm pretty sure that had I not been there for the Jacob incident that Coley would have just sat there feeling bad, but not touching the lego guy, or he would have said, "Jacob that was a mean thing to say, I'm not deaf!"
I'm sure he would also said something like "I'm not going to talk to you anymore" or something to that affect too. He has no problems telling people when he's been offended, but certainly has a HUGE problem when others have been offended by him or his actions.

Later on, we talked about it, and he kept saying it was all Jacob's fault he acted like that. No matter how many ways I explained to him that he is responsible and in control of his own actions he just kept telling me I was wrong, that it was all Jacob's fault.

I did tell him that I thought that what Jacob said was not very nice, but that it didn't make his behavior ok.

And ya know what, Jacob isn't even in his board games class! So the fact that the issue rolled over into that part of his day is completely illogical...and I totally understand we are talking about a 6yo and emotions that he has difficulty controling, but don't forget we are talking about Mr. Precision here...he should have been relieved that he wouldn't have to look at Jacob's mug for the remainder of camp...it really had nothing to do with Jacob, it was me.

And then to top everything off (for me)...

tangent alert: you know that song, Iris by the Goo Goo dolls...well for whatever reason that song reminds me of his hellish birth and stay in the NICU...it was only 6 weeks, but it was so tramatic...and there were so many days I would just sit next to him unable to touch him, wondering if he had any clue that this person sitting by him was his mommy, versus the Rn's & Drs that got to touch him...course they were cramming things down his throat and poking him with IV needles putting cold thermometers under his little arm and sticking leads to his paper thin skin...but atleast they got to touch him...

And I just NEVER wanted to leave him at night...the Rns used to have to tell me: "Time to eat mom, time to go home mom, time to rest....." And my heart just ached being at home without him! Or even being able to eat, when he couldn't...

and then that song later took on a WHOLE 'nother level when he went into his ASD world...

So, one day recently we heard that song and I told Coley that it reminded me of when he was born & when he was little. I love hearing it now because I CAN touch him, not just physically but I can totally connect with him...it reminds me now of how far we've come...

Well he came home last week all excited that his board games teacher played the song while they were in class. Coley told him that it was the song that reminded me of when he was born, the teachers response (according to Coley) was "really?" not sure exactly how he took that, but doesn't matter...Coley has asked him to play it several times, and the teacher does.

So yesterday while I (and clearly Coley) was feeling so down, Coley's walking around the house singing "And I don't want the world to see me, cuz I don't think that they'd understand, when everythings made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am."

UGH!

KJ, I'm new to this forum, too, and am brand new to the internet as well, so forgive me if this is a dumb question. I didn't catch whether your son has a disability or, if so, what type. That might make a difference. I'm sorry you are going through all this, and none of this is your fault. I do not have children but hold the believe that every parent does the best he can, given what both he/she and the child are given to work with. This looks like the Autism page, and I know that can present extraordinary difficulties under most circumstances. It sounds as though your son was giving you a particularly hard time after the "set-to" with his friend. Perhaps he mistook something you said around that time frame and his feelings were [very unintentionally] hurt. You do need some good times for yourself and some good times with him, and they will come. Wishing you peace and times of happiness and joy ahead. billie