Bobby and I were talking about our marriages and one thing led to another and I gave him some detail as to some of the abuse I endured. Bobby had inquired about 10 days ago what types of issues I had due to the abuse so maybe that's why I went into detail. It brought up some very painful memories. I told him how isolated I had gotten in my marriage and how my husband laughed at me crying because I had no one after my mom passed away. I told him how my older brother kept sticking up for my husband and how when it was all over with my older brother told me I should have known better since my husband had been married 3 times before. I told Bobby everyone acts like it's my fault and it wasn't. But I kept repeating how everything seems to be always my fault never realizing how much of an inpact that made on me. That was one form of abuse that I've been exposed to that I never had thought about before. Others blaming me all the time has had to have some effect on me. It hurts for one thing. After I was done talking and some silence Bobby said he would call me later. I asked if after 9 when he had free cell phone minutes but he said tomorrow. I felt let down as I was expecting for him to say something to cheer me up or change the subject to get my mind off of it. I felt like I had been dropped on my head or something. I suppose I expected too much as I'm sure Bobby didn't have a clue as to what to say to me and in the process I felt neglected. I kind of didn't want to get into so much of the abuse of my marriage this soon with Bobby but it all just came out. I knew deep down that I would talk about it with Bobby one day I just didn't expect to this soon. I guess I kind of feel my very being has been exposed to him and that leaves me feeling vulenable.

Barbara

I have been where you are barbara.
telling way too much information then the person was ready to hear.
and then feeling embaressed for talking so much and wonder if they are ever going to call again or did I ruin the relationship.
A true friend will always come back.
I am sorry you spilled your heart out and was abandoned by bobby.
Maybe he jsut needs time to process all of that.
maybe you need time too.
people can't substitute a good therapist, are you still seeing one?
maybe this would be a good time to see your DV counselor again if you can.
I am sorry that you are hurting.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Dear Barbara,

We are used to telling our secrets to therapists. But regular people do not have the same kind of training that therapists do.

Give him some time.

Probably he needs to be reassured.
I know that sounds silly because you need to be reassured.
But maybe you need to tell him that you have gotten professional help and that you are healing. And that you need him to be ok with the fact that you had some complicated difficulties in the past.

Tell him that you are mostly ok now.
Tell him that in the present you and he can be good together.

My experience with men is that sometimes they think that they are expected to fix things. They can get confused about what their role is.
Tell him what you want from him. And give him some time.

And give yourself time.
It's ok to talk about yourself.


M.

Thank you Beth and Mari.

Beth, my DV counselor told me today that I do not need counseling no more and that had me feeling abandoned. I think that Bobby will still be my friend now. He's known for some time that I was abused as him and I do share the same friends in the hangout we met therefore he's heard the the talk from them. These same freinds knew my ex husband and I from way back.

Mari, yes I can see that now that Bobby does not have the training to respond to me like a therapist would. I really kind of expected him to though and I see that was not being realistic. I think I've let Bobby know what I want from him in the poem I gave to him last Friday. He's been rather sweet on me ever since giving him the poem. In one verse in the poem I said, "A friend so true, and making love, would be grand with you." I went on to say it was not pertinent to do so though and that the important thing was the special freindship we have.

I guess what is really scary and has me feeling vulenable is that as time goes on and Bobby and I open up to each other I see it as a dependancy on him emotionally. I feel like I'm starting to depend on his friendship and what in the world will I do if that were to end? I'd be lost. I've been emotionally independent for so long except for the DV counselor and now I don't have her to counsel me. It's like being abandoned when someone your dependent on and you no longer exist together.

Is there a clinic in town that you could get a regular therapist to talk to about personal issues in depth?
You have had your fair share of troubles this year.
I am sure it hurt to say good bye to your DV counselor.
bizi

How about a women's group or group therapy?
M.

The clinic would be of no use but then there is a therapist there I may be able to see who specializes in abused women. I should call her today.

barbara

Dear Barbara,
That is a good idea.
I think that it is good to have people on your team.
M.

I feel better emotionally today. I've just been in a lot of pain yesterday keeping me in bed most of the day. Thank you all.

barbara

I am gald that you are feeling better today.....
bizi