well you did a good job and i hear what you were saying. thank you

also, i know it is for a different reason... but maybe not quite so different in an odd way. until age 8 i was perfectly 100% bilingual and could flip languages in mid sentence with perfect inflections and all. my relatives would tease my parents because their inflections had been altered by living abroad, while i, born over your side of the world, i reacquired perfect local inflections within a couple days of being here (for holidays).

But, after years in the islands and Florida, English took over... When i was not spoken too in English i even answered in English... i began to realize this one day... when it was already too late. Then, in 1999 i got stuck having to come here, across the ocean.

And the language. it was TERRIBLE. i was beyond tongue-tied. I was brain-tied. I had to work around phrases i could conceptualize but not verbalize. i hit verbal stone walls. See, i was not accustomed to translating from English because i learned both languages in "native" form - brain was used to going directly from concept to word. So although, in a pinch, i could fill in with English, and then translate (to produce stilted phrases), i felt incredibly linguistically handicapped. Like someone had taken a module out, erased some things, scrambled others, and put it back in. My sentences were punctuated with "mmmmm" while my stomach somersaulted and i felt my eyes would pop out from frustration.

In addition - a separate issue though - my "level" of language - notably lexicon and phrase vocabulary, was not as evolved of course because my higher schooling was all done in the US. Interviewing was awful - i did not know the formal terms for things like salary nor even the word "interview!" In English I was eloquent and had always been good at interviews. Suddenly i was verbally incompetent. And WRITING job applications? HAH!!!! (at least i had weeks to work on them, unlike speech, whcih was "on the fly"). So, perhaps i can relate a little? to what you are experiencing. Certainly, I know the experience terrified me. Given my adult age i was afraid of never being able to acquire a native level again, one appropriate for my age.

WELL.

If it can be of comfort, i reacquired the lapsed skills AND acquired a greater level of mastery in the local language. No stroke here, but... the point is, it wasn't a new language... but i had lost some and had to integrate new stuff to it. And you will be able to recover, replace, reorganize, and if need be, add. So take heart. IT CAN BE DONE.

~ waves ~ from across the ocean

oh Pam thank you. and for noticing i was gone.

I do see my pdoc every week. he is also my therapist so it is a combination session. i don't know what i will tell him i will tell him some of this though. there is not much he can do for me i fear... we are in agreement that i should not yet go back on Zoloft since i took it for 5 years and stopped in... what Feb? anyway. the brain needs to resettle itself after all that time. later it could perhaps be a good adjunctive to Wellbutrin.

Wellbutrin is what i'm on now, and at the worst part of my cycle i was ok. but truly today i was triggered. we really cannot expect the meds to do everything. it's just that we/i am more sensitive. and the trigger was a really deep one... actually hit multiple targets. so when i lose my tenuous footing, just regained... well. i was overwhelmed.

I honestly do not feel this is depression... unless... i am not seeing the forest for the trees?

it really feels more like resistance... a block. and pdoc and i are working on that. also i have had some personal losses lately 2 friends for completely different reasons. one of them however was someone i saw occasionally and... well, i am still confused AND hurt by that. and the fights in the family have been really bad. i am not on equal ground. i bring nothing to this family, you see. so... whenever there is conflict... i always feel like... there's the door... i'm welcome to use it (and go... where?) and then i feel really ungrateful. however, my pdoc agrees that a lot of what goes down in here is really bad for me. that i need OUT of hear ASAP... and a job will do that. the economy is recovering slowly but there is a lot of ageism here... i am trying to chisel away when i can at my prison... have been doing nothing and watching reruns some, sleep is all over... but i have been putting some applications out there. that is really what i need to keep doing, and hope for a stroke of luck, a blessing, a miracle.

i also feel deeply lonely. i do not want to be single but i do not want to be with someone abusive either. any kind of abusive. there are more ways than one can count.

anyway. thanks for the encouragement. i will try to post more. i feel badly i just sort of dropped out.

i am glad you are doing better these days.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,

Here is a hug from all of us:



Keep talking to us if it is of some help.

M.

Dear Waves,

I'm sorry that you're having such a bad time at the moment. Thanks so much for reaching out to us. Writing here is a positive, proactive step that convinces me that you are capable of doing even more of the things you need to do to help yourself.

I agree with the others that you really need some serious intervention - now. I appreciate your eagerness to find employment. However, I wonder if you're like me and tend to cling to the thought that there is some "magic bean" that would make everything all better if you could just obtain it. I wonder if in your current state, a new job might just prove to be another stressor. Perhaps it would be better just to concentrate on how you're feeling right now? If hope of landing a job is keeping you from seeking care, then I wonder if that's in your best interest.

You really need help now. Please reconsider going to the hospital. If you don't want inpatient care, please be completely honest with your therapist. He/she can't help you without all the facts. If you can't articulate your thoughts orally, take your posts with you.

Please look for support groups in your area. If that feels overwhelming, let someone else do it for you. I suspect that just getting out of your house to go to group might make you feel better.

Yes, you need some time out from your domestic situation. I know that's hard when money is tight. However, even finding a quiet corner of the public library might give you a chance to recharge a bit and realize there is a world beyond your four walls.

Please keep posting.

(((((HUGS)))))
to you dear friend.
bizi

Waves I am sorry that you are going through this!
Please stay with us <3

You are my friend. And light to me.



Sharla

Sending hugs. I have nothing to add. Everyone has given you good
ideas. Just take good care of yourself.

Donna