FYIi: post degenerates after initial paragraphs. topics include suicide.

i don't know how to live like this any more. i mean i just keep on passively letting things go by. been trying to work get work applications in... despite some small hurdles. i know that might change things. but there are so many steps and more steps... and sometimes i stop along the way and cannot explain it. other times i can explain it, and it is an ugly explanation.

i feel abhorrent, my parents are aging, i should be taking care of them instead nobody is taking care of anybody we are at each other's throats most of the time packed like sardines in this apartment. their attitudes towards me are inconsistent and either way hard to take. when i offer help it is refused. told i am too sick to work and many other unkind things, so keeping that a secret from one of them. i wish i had kept it a secret unto myself... i might be more productive on getting those apps out ... that's how it works. as it is, there aren't even very many ads. not like i'm swamped or anything.

today, another conflict and it triggered an old, deep wound and i ended up in a bout of derealization. i took some lorazepam. i felt too weak and senseless to do grounding exercises. i slept a little. i have trying not to use it because i am tapering my other benzo... don't ask me how, but coming off it totally is a long way off.

i just want it all to end. i looked up LD50's of a few things today and the information i needed was inconclusive. i would not attempt something halfway that could leave me maimed. i also would hate to leave my pdoc knowing i used meds he prescribed. anyway, i also have to write a will and establish beneficiaries for one or two things at least. the rest can go, but of course this is all crap anyway, because if i can barely get through translating my resume then how am i going to go and find the right legal format and two witnesses for a will ... i don't even have the freaking means to get out of this place PERMANENTLY. i am of NO USE to my parents. i cause them only grief. it doesn't matter what i do or do not do. and i have been told i do nothing.

not to mention - sorry to bring in religion - i am not catholic but i grew up in vaguely Christian surroundings, Methodist school, and abide by the 2 main teachings of Christ even though i consider myself agnostic because most Christians cannot relate to my concept of God as being like... the whole cosmic thing... it's complicated, and the true fact is, i am uncertain of anything and everything. i feel i am too small a being to "know." by the same token i am still terrified of a possible eternity in flames. or, you know, in Islam, it is the most despicable crime to take your life which is the most precious God-given gift, and the punishment is an eternity... not in hell flames, but reliving whatever suffering/means you employed to die.

and you it isn't as though i actually want to die, either! i just can't see any way out of living like this. i can't see things getting any better. i am not even depressed for crying out loud. but i feel claustrophobic in my own skin and in my own home any more. there is no housing, no subsidies, no nothing for unemployment.

meanwhile i am hating myself more and more as i see my character erode into a more and more dismal hateful ungrateful critical intrusive disrespectful hopeless lazy? incompetent capricious disgraceful BI***.

i wish i were not an "agnostic" and had "true faith." many have told me to act as if... i feel that is only a hypocrisy. true faith helps people be better people when the going gets rough. i feel like i am grasping at thin air. i talk to an impersonal God but still intellectually i am uncertain if i will simply turn to ash when i die despite my spiritual folklorish leanings. And too, how man-made it all is. I stare at portraits of Christ and know he didn't look like that. He wasn't a rosy white man, for one, the way he is often depicted here. I find it upsetting. why can't they respect ethnic origins. The Church upsets me and the Catholic church is one of the most wacky as far as being upsetting.

i am trying to find employment. i have food shelter and clothing, but out of someone else's sense of duty... i am no longer even sure it is true generosity, in fact, there might be some legal crap here by which they have to provide (not sure). still, i am not secure in it. also i have not freedom to go elsewhere - there isn't anywhere else... but the street.

and whenever i contemplate the more permanent solution, i end up where i intuitively i feel it isn't my right to choose when to stop being here, all law and religion aside. but mind you that hellfire and that repeating act thing... those certainly are rather menacing aspects to it all aren't they.

sleep is elusive. who can sleep with all these emotional and spiritual vultures circling constantly. my cuticles are literally a mess of blood. i reduced my benzo but things weren't any better on the higher dose, nor taking lorazepam.

a former therapist used to ask me where i hurt. when i am upset. the parts are, the stomach, the chest, and the throat. especially the throat. the throat is the seat of self-expression and creativity in the chakra system. interesting, considering one of my big problems is my inability to create, to do my art, to express myself... to GET ON WITH LIFE... SOMEHOW.

~ waves ~ wondering when it will end... maybe a brick will fall on my head tomorrow.

Waves,

Is there someone you can call to talk to?

Barbara

my pdoc, once a week, for an hour. anybody else? no. even if there were, a crisis line i couldn't talk about things - they involve my family and i have NO PRIVACY here. no matter what room i'm in my parents can hear EVERYTHING.

and i'm afraid if i let things out too much he will call my parents. i told my mother today when the "switch" happened" and i suddenly plummeted into this... i also told her i didn't have the means and would not do anything because i felt the risk was too high of being only maimed. she calls my talking "threats" and i don't think she realizes i really think about it. in any event, i don't think she could handle it if she thought of it any other way perhaps.

thanks for replying.

~ waves ~

Mari,

thank you yes... i have considered a hospital... and this has come in waves. usually it happens without reason at the end of my cycle when i have a natural mood drop. this cycle it didn't. pdoc and i were satisfied - wellbutrin probably helping at this point. today it happened as result of a fight which brought up very deep hurt in me and re-activated a lot of old pain. even tho i wrote frankly about my research, i do not feel in danger because i am such a chicken - about what if i don't succeed and end up worse, and what if i do succeed and end up in hell. so, you see. then, there are the practical aspects that are not done.

if i go to a hospital it will close a good window for job openings. and a JOB will be the real ticket out of this. the problem with the hospital is it is a temporary solution to a problem that will only worsen while my "home" is with my parents and i have no income. the hospital will not let me stay there forever. also i will have no internet access so will not be able to look for jobs... "free" of the eyes of my parents. most in my field are in fact advertised via internet, so that is not good.


I do not feel depressed as such. also i feel more blocked as far as expression than leaky. then again i can write things here - but that's about it. perhaps the problem with the life force is causing aberrations in what is coming out at the top.

thank you very much for the exercises. i think i might be able to get them in unobserved. i hate not having a place to do things. but they sound short enough i could maybe hijack the bathroom for a short time.

I would love to be there, physically. My friend/sister in Orlando keeps telling me to come. but right now for many reasons i will not go into i am stuck here. i would so love to be with her for a while.

thank you for reaching out.

~ waves ~

well you did a good job and i hear what you were saying. thank you

also, i know it is for a different reason... but maybe not quite so different in an odd way. until age 8 i was perfectly 100% bilingual and could flip languages in mid sentence with perfect inflections and all. my relatives would tease my parents because their inflections had been altered by living abroad, while i, born over your side of the world, i reacquired perfect local inflections within a couple days of being here (for holidays).

But, after years in the islands and Florida, English took over... When i was not spoken too in English i even answered in English... i began to realize this one day... when it was already too late. Then, in 1999 i got stuck having to come here, across the ocean.

And the language. it was TERRIBLE. i was beyond tongue-tied. I was brain-tied. I had to work around phrases i could conceptualize but not verbalize. i hit verbal stone walls. See, i was not accustomed to translating from English because i learned both languages in "native" form - brain was used to going directly from concept to word. So although, in a pinch, i could fill in with English, and then translate (to produce stilted phrases), i felt incredibly linguistically handicapped. Like someone had taken a module out, erased some things, scrambled others, and put it back in. My sentences were punctuated with "mmmmm" while my stomach somersaulted and i felt my eyes would pop out from frustration.

In addition - a separate issue though - my "level" of language - notably lexicon and phrase vocabulary, was not as evolved of course because my higher schooling was all done in the US. Interviewing was awful - i did not know the formal terms for things like salary nor even the word "interview!" In English I was eloquent and had always been good at interviews. Suddenly i was verbally incompetent. And WRITING job applications? HAH!!!! (at least i had weeks to work on them, unlike speech, whcih was "on the fly"). So, perhaps i can relate a little? to what you are experiencing. Certainly, I know the experience terrified me. Given my adult age i was afraid of never being able to acquire a native level again, one appropriate for my age.

WELL.

If it can be of comfort, i reacquired the lapsed skills AND acquired a greater level of mastery in the local language. No stroke here, but... the point is, it wasn't a new language... but i had lost some and had to integrate new stuff to it. And you will be able to recover, replace, reorganize, and if need be, add. So take heart. IT CAN BE DONE.

~ waves ~ from across the ocean

oh Pam thank you. and for noticing i was gone.

I do see my pdoc every week. he is also my therapist so it is a combination session. i don't know what i will tell him i will tell him some of this though. there is not much he can do for me i fear... we are in agreement that i should not yet go back on Zoloft since i took it for 5 years and stopped in... what Feb? anyway. the brain needs to resettle itself after all that time. later it could perhaps be a good adjunctive to Wellbutrin.

Wellbutrin is what i'm on now, and at the worst part of my cycle i was ok. but truly today i was triggered. we really cannot expect the meds to do everything. it's just that we/i am more sensitive. and the trigger was a really deep one... actually hit multiple targets. so when i lose my tenuous footing, just regained... well. i was overwhelmed.

I honestly do not feel this is depression... unless... i am not seeing the forest for the trees?

it really feels more like resistance... a block. and pdoc and i are working on that. also i have had some personal losses lately 2 friends for completely different reasons. one of them however was someone i saw occasionally and... well, i am still confused AND hurt by that. and the fights in the family have been really bad. i am not on equal ground. i bring nothing to this family, you see. so... whenever there is conflict... i always feel like... there's the door... i'm welcome to use it (and go... where?) and then i feel really ungrateful. however, my pdoc agrees that a lot of what goes down in here is really bad for me. that i need OUT of hear ASAP... and a job will do that. the economy is recovering slowly but there is a lot of ageism here... i am trying to chisel away when i can at my prison... have been doing nothing and watching reruns some, sleep is all over... but i have been putting some applications out there. that is really what i need to keep doing, and hope for a stroke of luck, a blessing, a miracle.

i also feel deeply lonely. i do not want to be single but i do not want to be with someone abusive either. any kind of abusive. there are more ways than one can count.

anyway. thanks for the encouragement. i will try to post more. i feel badly i just sort of dropped out.

i am glad you are doing better these days.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,
If a hospital is not an option, then my suggestion is something else that involves more intensity than you get now from the pdoc.
I don't know what the something else is.
A group maybe. Maybe not even a group related to mental health support.


I know that you have thought this out.
So I feel silly writing it.
M.

((((((Hugs)))))) I'm sorry. BF

Dear Waves,

Well this really stinks that the pdoc is not going to be the one to get you through this particular thing.

On a few occasions in my life, one or the other of my parents has come through for me. Usually, they disappoint. But sometimes one will hear for that moment and for that crisis. And sometimes that person does not hear the whole thing but does get enough to help me.

Any chance that one parent could hear you? And help you in a way that you need for this?

This sounds lonely.

An old pdoc? Tdoc?

Could it be of temporary help right now to try something -- different? Anything different (and safe)?
. . . like spending some time in a different part of town doing something different to kind of get you out of yourself for the time being? . . . and so on . . . something different.

Can you ask for more leeway / consideration / forbearance from them right now while this is happening?

(And yes, I see from these posts that you are not talking about a one time crisis necessarily but a lot of frustration due to long term processes.)
Still, you could benefit from their help through the crisis. Push them a little harder. They might come through for you.

(I'm not going to type any more.
I'm start to not make sense.)

Mostly I am posting here to tell you that I hope that you are going to be all right soon.

M.

we have to learn to feel compassion for ourselves..............that is one path..i don't know really how to do it. i guess when we feel compassion for another we can try to transfer those feelings onto us. I think we are in the same boat..maybe if we feel compassion for each other then transfer it onto ourselves lol....
love
bobby