an old friend of mine and have recently been chatting via IM on friday nights when he gets done with work. we had agreed to tonight, but he just wasn't up for it. now we all know how that can happen... and i let him off the hook. after getting him to watch the whack-a-kitty video which got his spirits up just a little. but he still needed to get completely off the computer and do something completely different. so we said goodnight.

but i still feel abandoned. and lonely.

i react this way to any such little thing. and i cannot seem to distract myself or get over it already. it sinks in deep and eats my insides.

i feel so empty right now and so incredibly alone.



~ waves ~

((((((((((waves)))))))))



I fell that way 99% of the time... hope you can feel better soon.

Dear Waves,

I'm sorry about this.

And I understand how hard it is to carry on -- to be upset for a little while and then move on when you decide.
I don't really know how to do that yet.

Maybe kind of embrace the feeling.
This stinks and this is how you feel.
(Maybe not a good suggestion actually but I have done it before -- not lately because if I embrace something like that I don't know if I could pull out of it at some point.)

I am sorry he was not up to chatting with you. try to not take it personally...it is about him and not you.
It is disappointing to not have the interaction that you planned on ...again try to not take it personally.
I am sorry that you felt abondoned....
I am sure he would not want you to feel that way.
bizi

Thank you Blue. I'm sorry you feel that way so often too. I do too... too often. i wish i knew how not to "fall into it." it's bizarre, isn't it?

Thanks Mari. Yeah i am not so sure about embracing the feeling... it is already pervasive. It is the kind of thing one doesn't want to end up "wallowing in" or you drown. It is morning now (actually i slept right past morning. it is 12.30pm). And i woke up sobbing after some weird dream.

Dear BiziYes you are right. He would not want me to feel that way, and it is about him. But i don't feel any better for it. I frequently experience these kinds of disappointments (word describes an appropriate reaction) as abandonment - an excessive reaction.

i know it isn't my friend's fault. i am not mad at him. but already i am getting scenarios of avoiding him next week to avoid another such incident. sigh. part of me knows it is dumb. the other part of me is just desperate to avoid these feelings.

had i had urgent need to talk, i believe he would have been there - at least for a little bit. but i didn't have "urgent need" for anything and he did. so i tried to behave, and not take advantage of him by whining, and just let him go.

and now here i am again... I HATE THIS!!!

The psych explanation is that these events because they mirror childhood events when i had unmet needs. Great! So i wish the psychs could go one further and tell me how to get myself out of this funk.

I can't afford dialectical behavior therapy. Even assuming i could find a specialist here - i can't afford ANY therapy. I can either i take what i get for free, or nada, zip, zilch.



Thanks guys for being here for me.

~ waves ~

idon't know if i am going to make sense or not but I think you have to focus on you and what you have to contend with. you are a hero for contending with bipolar for staying alive and not turning bitter. bipolar creates pseudo needs that i think will never be met. when do we have peace and calm? isn't there always inner turmoil? whenever a situation happens, it really skunks us because it is just the manifestation of the preexisting inner turmoil? don't abandon yourself. you are such a special person-so thoughtful and caring besides brilliant and multitalented. can you try to flood yourself with self love?
love
bobby

Dear Bobby,
I like hearing your reminders like this.
Thank you.
I hope that you are mostly ok.
M.

thank you. i have been awful. I haven't been active on the board or active anywhere. I feel so ineffectual. My bipolar is winning and so is my growing older and i haven't been feeling well.I do have a relationship with my sister but i think we both find it traumatic. She is very charming, gracious and friendly to me over the phone. It is scarey. I worry about you but i don't know what to say.
fondly
bobby

I am sorry bobby that you have been awful.
(((((HUGS)))))

Dear WAVes,
(((((HUGS))))))
maintaining friendships takes some work...anyway to talk about how you feel to him?
bizi

thanks so much for your message. the original abandonment stuff probably preceded the bipolar. i was not a bipolar child. but i do believe what the psych's say. i can look back and there was a lot of stuff i had to deal with - that i should not have had to deal with - on my own. and i could not deal with it, on my own. this probably helped precipitate bipolar later, and not the reverse.

dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a technique which is useful for Borderline Personality. I do not fit a Borderline diagnosis completely (for instance, i do not self-injure) but fear of abandonment is an aspect of it, and i have one or two others which is where i see DBT could be helpful. Maybe someday....

i don't know if i can flood myself with self-love or if would neutralize feelings of abandonment. with other kinds of incidents, i can actually get feelings of annihilation and have panic attacks or depersonalize or derealize and i can't feel any more at all. i have learned to reground myself, sometimes even avoiding meds... but usually remain somewhat flat at that point.

Bobby i am sorry you are feeling so unwell. I wish there was something I could do for you or all of us on the forum could do for you. Anyway, i will think about the self-love. (hopefully i won't overdo things and become a Narcissist hehe ) Seriously though. I can't say that lately i have been very good at appreciating myself, so perhaps you have hit on something in that regard.

i wish things with your sister were smoother. you try and be kind to yourself too.

~ waves ~