[waves]

an old friend of mine and have recently been chatting via IM on friday nights when he gets done with work. we had agreed to tonight, but he just wasn't up for it. now we all know how that can happen... and i let him off the hook. after getting him to watch the whack-a-kitty video which got his spirits up just a little. but he still needed to get completely off the computer and do something completely different. so we said goodnight.

but i still feel abandoned. and lonely.

i react this way to any such little thing. and i cannot seem to distract myself or get over it already. it sinks in deep and eats my insides.

i feel so empty right now and so incredibly alone.



~ waves ~

[BlueMajo]

((((((((((waves)))))))))



I fell that way 99% of the time... hope you can feel better soon.

[Mari]

Dear Waves,

I'm sorry about this.

And I understand how hard it is to carry on -- to be upset for a little while and then move on when you decide.
I don't really know how to do that yet.

Maybe kind of embrace the feeling.
This stinks and this is how you feel.
(Maybe not a good suggestion actually but I have done it before -- not lately because if I embrace something like that I don't know if I could pull out of it at some point.)

[bizi]

I am sorry he was not up to chatting with you. try to not take it personally...it is about him and not you.
It is disappointing to not have the interaction that you planned on ...again try to not take it personally.
I am sorry that you felt abondoned....
I am sure he would not want you to feel that way.
bizi

[waves]

Thank you Blue. I'm sorry you feel that way so often too. I do too... too often. i wish i knew how not to "fall into it." it's bizarre, isn't it?

Thanks Mari. Yeah i am not so sure about embracing the feeling... it is already pervasive. It is the kind of thing one doesn't want to end up "wallowing in" or you drown. It is morning now (actually i slept right past morning. it is 12.30pm). And i woke up sobbing after some weird dream.

Dear Bizi

Originally Posted by bizi

try to not take it personally...it is about him and not you.

It is disappointing to not have the interaction that you planned on

I am sorry that you felt abandoned....
I am sure he would not want you to feel that way.

Yes you are right. He would not want me to feel that way, and it is about him. But i don't feel any better for it. I frequently experience these kinds of disappointments (word describes an appropriate reaction) as abandonment - an excessive reaction.

i know it isn't my friend's fault. i am not mad at him. but already i am getting scenarios of avoiding him next week to avoid another such incident. sigh. part of me knows it is dumb. the other part of me is just desperate to avoid these feelings.

had i had urgent need to talk, i believe he would have been there - at least for a little bit. but i didn't have "urgent need" for anything and he did. so i tried to behave, and not take advantage of him by whining, and just let him go.

and now here i am again... I HATE THIS!!!

The psych explanation is that these events because they mirror childhood events when i had unmet needs. Great! So i wish the psychs could go one further and tell me how to get myself out of this funk.

I can't afford dialectical behavior therapy. Even assuming i could find a specialist here - i can't afford ANY therapy. I can either i take what i get for free, or nada, zip, zilch.



Thanks guys for being here for me.

~ waves ~

[mymorgy]

idon't know if i am going to make sense or not but I think you have to focus on you and what you have to contend with. you are a hero for contending with bipolar for staying alive and not turning bitter. bipolar creates pseudo needs that i think will never be met. when do we have peace and calm? isn't there always inner turmoil? whenever a situation happens, it really skunks us because it is just the manifestation of the preexisting inner turmoil? don't abandon yourself. you are such a special person-so thoughtful and caring besides brilliant and multitalented. can you try to flood yourself with self love?
love
bobby

[Mari]

Dear Bobby,
I like hearing your reminders like this.
Thank you.
I hope that you are mostly ok.
M.

[Mari]

Dear Waves,

You have dx'd the problem and identified a solution.
I wish the next steps (of therapy and then feeling better) were possible.


M.

[waves]

Originally Posted by Mari

You have dx'd the problem and identified a solution.
I wish the next steps (of therapy and then feeling better) were possible

Right, a solution. More than one way to climb a mountain though. i need to find one of the other ways. one that is possible... that i can do alone or whatever.

And various professionals - at different times - dx'd the problem, not me. i can look back and see that it makes sense however.