[waves]

Originally Posted by waves

the condo administrator is coming (and maybe some technicians too, i don't know) to discuss apartment stuff. i could go hide in my parents' bedroom but i feel like i should start keeping informed on this stuff... my parents are elderly... i know that is a scary thought.

but besides that i just don't want to see any one, much less have them come into my hole.

i just had an anxiety attack

ok anyway... clothes off chair, fold bed, presentable.

Originally Posted by waves

i drank before

the meeting unbeknownst to my parents was moved so returning late i didn't find them at home.

i went to an elderly neighbor and spoke with her for some time before going to the meeting at her daughters (she called to advise i was coming).

my mother somehow seemed disgusted with me... i spoke up on something even though it was more regarding general legal condo issue and did not affect us because our situation is isolated (luckily) - but still - big, and difficult thing for me to participate in meeting!

so i was MAD after about her attitude. i refused to eat with them. watched Charmed instead and then ate leftovers out of the pot.

back from the bar i watched the rest of the cop show my mom and i sometimes watch together. she was acting normal and sociable by then. i was no less or no more drunk than before. i thought anyway.

however my dad came out after they went to bed and asked me quietly if i had gone drinking. i said yes and asked why. he said he figured from how i was acting at the meeting....

now i feel really weird. (self-)disgusted and ashamed but also indignant confused angry and sad. a big bundle of contrasting things. i asked my dad if he would have preferred had i not come. he said that wasn't it and promised to explain ... tomorrow.



i don't think i'm the first adult to go to a condo meeting after having a couple. i was not drunk or too tipsy either. what i was was a decent bit more disinhibited than i usually am these days - i.e., closer to a normal i.e. "productively healthy and active" level. i mean, i was able to be alert, engage etc. i didn't drink to achieve that, not consciously. it was pure reactive anxiety. run to the bar and write a letter to my friend over a drink.

as for being late after spending too much time at the neighbor's... she is elderly and digresses and repeats herself a lot... i didn't want to be rude. then when i told her i was unsure about going late she encouraged me (kind lady ), and i thought to myself, "what's the harm... i will get my feet wet and won't be an unfamiliar face to them next time."

but now i feel all weird. the only think i could have done different was not speak up, but the one thing i said was taken very well, not like some dumb comment. or perhaps it was petting the dog after? she was hyperactive and jumping on people, and i calmed her down. what's so bad about that?

perhaps i'm uptight just because i know i'm not supposed to be having any, but it seems more complicated.

i'm confused and upset and obsessed now.

~ waves ~

[bizi]

I wonder why he wanted to explain tomorrow instead of like "right now"....I would be obsessing (i can spell sometimes)....It is easy for me to have a bit too much when I am doing something else too.
Good for you for going to the meeting though, you had good intentions.
I am sorry that you are upset.......
It was nice of you to quiet the doggie.
bizi

[Mari]

Dear Waves,

I'm glad that you went to the meeting.

It's really his problem (not yours) that you didn't act exactly the way he expected.

It sounds like you contributed to the meeting and that you felt more ok than you have lately.

M.

[waves]

thanks guys for affirming me.

i am thinking my parents probably noticed the marked difference in behavior from when i am at home and assumed it was all alcohol. also since my presence was not strictly necessary (they own the apt, not me... but i explain in first post my motivations for attending - and dad had agreed) they might have expected me to sort of cower and stare at my shoes the entire time.

i don't think they attended many meetings in their life - small group discussion meetings anyway. they even skip most of the condo meetings (the big ones for all residents).

at work i had meetings every dang week... andthensome! here, there were fewer, less organized, but they did occur. i don't think others noticed anything off about my behavior last night. being cordial and smiling is not strange, nor is having lipstick on. unless of course you know that 2 hours before i had been freaking out about having people in the apartment and that i barely get dressed let alone wear make up any more.

haven't talked to dad yet. had trouble sleeping until day... consequently woke up at two. dad asks if everything is "OK" ... i guess he's wondering if i'm hungover. lol, no, i didn't get trashed! no migraine either because i'm out of my risk window. i almost don't want to know what he has to say, but i do... or it will bug me. but first i am having my coffee in peace.

oh, Beth, the reason he deferred the discussion till today i'm sure is - well two things - 1. he was watching a movie, and 2. my mother was there. when he asked if i'd been drinking he did so quietly and out of her sight and earshot.

well. i am less upset but perturbed. with or without alcohol, if i go to meetings i can't have them fussing about me like a 2 year old. THAT is embarassing. but it would be more so not to go along with it, which would also make me unwelcome.

will post again what dad had to say... for the record. i just hope it doesn't T me off.

thanks for listening and replying. ((( Beth ))) ((( Mari )))

~ waves ~

[waves]

talked to him.

he says i behaved fine... ok...

but is worried about me ending up with a reputation as a drunk if others "caught" the same "signals."

i don't even wanna talk about it.

~ waves ~

[bizi]

oh great....not
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

[Isis]

I am sorry for the situation you are in Waves.
I am so glad you attended the meeting and spoke up.

I do wish, as you do, that the interaction with your parents didn't have to happen.
I think your parents saw the 'different', extrovert you, and (your mother specially) jumped to conclusions.

Parents tend to be hyper - over protective. With you being unwell so often, perhaps they just look out for any indication that you may not be feeling well.

I am not familiar with your family dynamics and I could be dead wrong, but I was just thinking - my daughter has OCD and is on medication - I am always watching out for symptoms, and hyperventilate even if she speaks a sentence twice.

I am sorry if I am speaking out of turn, but if you let them know that your being active and involved means that you are feeling well, they may feel reassured.

BUT, know that what you were able to do that day was remarkable. Truly.

[Dmom3005]

Waves
Sending you hugs. I think you did a great job.

Sending you some hugs.

Donna