externally things have been going well. today i even had my new carpet laid and i finally had the legs put on the couch. with the rent exemption increase form completed and sent in and the income taxes done from last week, that is a huge burden off my shoulders. With the cleaning woman who I adore coming in, my apartment is presentable. Even today my social worker from adult protective services dropped by unexpectedly and I really liked her.
A friend did call by accident and told me her mother died in feb and her brother who is fifty five is dying of pancreatic cancer but her husband is being wonderful to her.
My doctor put me on a higher dose of paxil but the pharmacy hasn't gotten it yet. I asked him if I needed more risperdal and he said no. All these blessings happening to me and I feel so irritable and depressed. I decided bipolar is no fun
Bobby

I am happy you are happy with your new things in your house, and that you like your cleaning person and your social worker, those are important things.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss' and illness of friends. That's always so hard, emotional, depressing. It's a normal response.

Bipolar - well it is tough, but sometimes (since I take my meds) I tend to be able to mostly deal with things better, well not everything, I sure do have my moments or breakdowns, but then there is a tough part of me that says you can do this, and I do. Strange, I know.

You just hang in there, pray for your friends, be happy for yourself and take it one day at a time.

We are all in some type of battle here it seems lately, but we are here for each other and thats what counts.

Hugs, Nikko

Hi,
How are you doing????????????????????????????????????????????? ???
Check in.....

Hugs, Nikko

Morgy, I remember you!!

((((((Bobby)))))),

You know I don't have bipolar. I've been 'blessed' *NOT* with chronic clinical depression (with a little borderline personality disorder thrown in just for fun) since I was 16 -- so I understand the depression (way too well).

I've been really stable for a long time. Then I started crawling down into the pit again -- didn't know why. So, I went to a shrink and she upped the one medication that's been perfectly tuned to do what I want it do.

Now, I don't sleep AT ALL with this stupid drug which is kicking up my fibro so I've got to ramp down s-l-o-w-l-y so I don't go into withdrawals.

I finally figured out that I was becoming depressed again because next month is the 40th anniversay of my baby brother's suicide. Didn't even need the shrink-person to figure that one out

Bobby, I know how much depression

I always figure that I'm getting depressed 'again' because I've slipped from the TOP OF THE LIST. Try to be extra good to yourself -- drink tea out of pretty cups, sit someplace quiet like the back steps or a park or a nice leaf pile in the woods and let yourself feel and relax.

Even though we both hate the big 'D', we both know it doesn't last forever. Hang on and BREATHE.

Hugs.

Barb

i can't say much-sensical right now... i'm dahhheyhgbdkpht after today, but i read your post, and i understand about how things outside are 'great' and yet one feels so horrid. yes. bipolar. with me when i'm depressed i tend to dislike sunny days, for instance. i feel i should enjoy it and can't. i feel ungrateful... all sorts of things. bipolar. no fun.

i light a virtual fire under that pharmacy's suppliers that they get your paxil in ASAP.

i am so glad about your apartment... and all those external things. Come time you will enjoy them more fully... are you anhedonic overall right now, you know, where things you normally would enjoy leave you impassive?

i want you to be well.

love
m.

p.s. a little butterfly - black with orange markings, came to visit me today as i sat on the porch (MY porch - for the next day or two.) She settled on the railing, then fluttered a little, then settled back on the railing for a few seconds - long enough for me to see her well. then she flew away. i was touched. you know, strangely, i haven't seen a butterfly up close like that in years. let alone one that came to visit. i don't know why i wanted to share this but i did.

I think that butterflies are messengers form the other side.
I feel comforted if a butterfly tries to make contact...it is almost like magic.
I learned to day that all of our mosquito program is killing all of the bees and it is effecting the flowering of flowers ..need bees to pollinate...this also effets the flowers of the azalea bushes for nes t spring. ..the spraying has also effected the birds...not as many as there used to be.
Wigh the west nile virus being a problem around here...I don't think they will ease up on the spraying....
I saw a beautiful swallow tail butterfly today 8inch wing span...huge!
Perhaps you could walk in a woods and be quiet with yourslef and listen to what is contributing to your irritabilty....
be nice to your slef.
(((HUGS)))
bizi

Dear Morgy,
Paper work done, new carpet, a social worker and a cleaning lady -- lots of important stuff is happening, but I can see how it might not pull up a mood.

What color is the carpet? How do the kitties react to the changes?

I hope that you got the paxil.

Mari

bobby how are you doing with all of the apartment overhaul? and the kitties.

mari i read the bold print in your zen thread. i think i stink at change too. but sometimes change stinks!!!

we are all three having our living quarters upheaved overhauled rebuilt reconditioned re re de un adj in ex to do do fixed cleaned ... changed.

my mood is better, i think because i am coming into peace with the ex- thing. i wonder if the zoloft increase has kicked in a little for me - at 200mg now. the nifty thing is, last time at 200 i didn't get migraines. zoloft is actually approved now for Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) interestingly enough, and that's when i get migraines, not usually otherwise. but i digress.

bobby have you been able to get hold of the paxil?

i am having a good "college student" moment now. pizza and coke. that is, cold pizza - hope to leave some for breakfast lol.

i hope you all are ok...

~ waves ~ until my next forum moment

i haven't seen a swallowtail in aaaaaaaages. oh! since i lived in the islands.

butterflies as messengers thats neat. it does seem like such some sort of a blessing to be visited by a butterfly doesn't it tho?

is it you bobby that thinks of birds as messengers?

i think it is interesting... all flying creatures... like faeries

I was told by an Indian woman that birds were messengers. I found a little starling and gave him so much love and he died to the day my mother died s year or two before. The woman told me a parent would come back as a bird and get what they needed from their child.
I have been sleeping mostly the past two days. I did get my paxil. I haven't had any energy...my thoughts tend to be negative even with all these wonderful changes...even my terrace is clean...all these things that were pressuring me....I make jokes about being bipolar but lately I can't. I just see how powerful it is...it can leave you in such a vulnerable position.
The president of the coop board called my friend again today to ask how things were progressing. It felt like a blow.
I haven't been able to escape into reading much....I have been just too exhausted. I don't even feel like going downstairs to the deli to get a sandwich...
Bobby