this time i gave my therapist a hard time. i was late by fifteen minutes. i am usually early. the bus was a bit late and I was a bit late. I wound up talking for over an hour with a woman around my age who was a stock broker and just so lovely who also had a weight problem and walking problem and who had a schnauzer who had had bone cancer and who rented a mini storage for a lot of her many books. we had so much in common. she suggested i join weight watchers and use a stationary bike. we exchanged numbers.
then i see my therapist....i tell her i just made a new friend...she says that is nice. she says i look nice and then starts with the hygiene. i told her i mentioned it to dr m. and he said it was good to get into a routine but ultimately the choice was mine. I told her if you get three hours sleep a night you don't feel physically up to much....she dismissed that....then i sort of dismissed her. then i talked about the pain of finding out my nephew lived less than ten blocks away from me...but i said the whole thing was a mess....he hadn't been compassionate and my other nephews didn't show compassion.i said it was awful because we are jewish and should know better and the kids had lead a charmed life. she dismissed that and said some people aren't compassion and that shouldn't upset me. later my friend from israel called me and i asked her about compassion....she said that the three most important things for Jews to be are compassionate, modest and i forget the third. I giggled and said I really am Jewish aren't i. She was raised orthodox and I wasn't.
Bobby

I have to wonder if maybe your nephew wasn't so low in self esteem
that he related to the person doing the killing in Jonestown.


I know I sometimes think I had a son that would have related to the killings
peroid everywhere.

Donna

that is interesting. could you explain it a little more. i never thought of it that way. he had such low self esteem as a little boy. it was tragic. you gave me the chills and hope at forgiveness
thank you
bobby

Dear Bobby,

I think you did a good job in the session... you held your ground and led.

I am disappointed that your therapist did not express interest in your encounter with the woman about your age with the Schnauzer. I wonder why she didn't respond to that.

Anyway. I am glad you two exchanged numbers and I hope you will be in touch. I is perhaps early to call her a friend as such... but it sure sounds like there is common ground and good potential for friendship! Whatever happens, besides, that was a very positive social interaction, and i'm happy for you.

i haven't said anything about your nephew because i feel clueless as to how to be helpful there. I did think Donna's point was interesting.

love

~ waves ~

Dear Bobby,
I wonder if your Israeli friend was talking about one of these:

http://mentsh.com/avot1-2disc.html

http://www.ravkooktorah.org/KITISA62.htm
I think you handled your tdoc brilliantly.
Ignore her and have your own session as you described.
It sounds like you are less depressed than last time.

Family issues are fraught with angst.
I can see how finding out about your nephew is troublesome to you.
When was the last time you saw him? How old was he?
Do you remember anything else about him other than the Jonestown thing?

I hope that you are feeling ok. Maybe the med changes help. I hope.

M.

i think Donna's point was really fascinating and i am holding onto it and am going to try to discuss it with some people. I hate feeling so alienated from my family and my principles have always made my life so difficult......i really cling to them...i always have...maybe partially since my emotions are so volatile. Today I am nervous about my encounter with Paula yesterday. She is still working and has a lot more money than I have. That might interfere with a relationship if she wants to do things. I can afford going to starbucks but otherwise I really limited. I will call her.
Today I woke up very depressed. Last night I had a hysterical conversation with Attie. Whenever I laugh a lot the next day I am usually depressed. I was joking about being an environmentalist. I had heard on Bloomberg news that Chinese might run out drinking water in ten or eleven years and when watching planets in peril i saw how polar bears are drowning because of the melting of the ice and now they have to swim distances of 200 miles for food mainly seal rather than the previous 50 miles...(wish I hadn't watched since I am still so upset and hands are tied)...anyways I think in future we are going to be limited to the amount of water we consume and no way will people be allowed to take showers every day....maybe every other month...it is really a nightmare but i was pretending I was confronting my therapist with all this environmental information.
Love
Bobby

hoq did you find that...kindness was the third one. thank you so much....I have learned so much from my friend Suri and love orthodoxy...I grew up reformed and never learned the beauty of Judaism.
Yesterday I was really high. Today I am depressed but it might go away. I saw Alex maybe fifteen years ago or more. It was like yesterday. I have at times a very good memory. I wish I didn't at times. He was in his early twenties and had been out of college for a few years. He behaved like a rich kid who liked me. My three nephews called me Bobby and I guess always thought i was eccentric. They were treated sort of formally by their parents by i was always laid back with them.
Going back on the regular medication dosage has helped I regret to say. I was really hoping i could lower the dosage. The melatonin and magnesium are giving me i think at least another hour of sleep. I have calcium and am having a hard time taking it but that also is supposely helpful in sleep matters too.
I upped my vitamin d to 8,000 a day....which should help my depression....
I am trying.
Before my therapist said i could bring in negative things to her which i don't have to discuss with my friends. She asked for it and I think that will be my line of attack. I don't know what to do. I was a therapist years ago. I would have made such a big deal about meeting Paula....and encouraged me to follow through rather than talk about hygiene.....yuck
Thanks again for finding the third thing. your skills are amazing
Bobby

i just ordered a stationary bike with pc games. Dr. M doubled my celexa and my appetite has been terrifying. I miss smoking so much and i have been eating like a maniac. Paula, the woman I met on the bus the other day told me to get a stationary bike and ride on it. I feel so desperate that I thought it was worth the two hundred dollars even though i am terrified of my financial state.
The magnesium and melatonin have really been helping me catch another hour or two of sleep a night. I can't believe it but i think taking them is the reason I am getting extra sleep. Now if i can only force myself to take the calcium which i also need to combat the negative effects of metformin on b12.
Bobby

Congratulations on the bike!!!

I would ride with you if only i could!

You said you just upped your vitamin D... that will aid your calcium uptake naturally, you know? From food. It might be good to have your calcium level or even all electrolyte/mineral levels checked with your next blood draw after 3 months though, as that is how long it takes for the new vitamin D level to stabilize.

In any event, if you do take extra calcium, make sure the ratio of Mg:Ca supplementation is not greater than 1:2 in favor of the calcium.

That is great news that you are getting a some more sleep. the Celexa could be contributing also. You might actually try removing the melatonin at this point... generally that is for adjusting one's sleep cycle i.e. it should do it's job in a short period of time (few days or a week). Plus, you could always start it up again if necessary.

I am really wowed about the bike. You take it easy though, and start out doing just a bit at a time... just a few minutes at first... you will build up if you do it regularly. regularity is more useful than overdoing it (which can actually be dangerous).

Have fun with it!

Gosh i am so happy for you!


~ waves ~

i am having a blood test this month and will ask the doctor if i can remember to do the magnesium calcium test. re melatonin. i have read that as you get older your body has less melatonin....so I don't think i am going to cut it out.
i don't think celexa has anything to do with this. I am just afraid the added celexa has to do with my increased appetite which i am so scared about.
I also better print out the article for my doctor about how metformin is bad for b12 and that calcium helps its negative effect....what a mess
i hope i use the stationary bike.....i hope the computer games keep me riding....lol
love bobby
thanks a ton