Oh, Bobby,
This is awful.
Maybe the Depakote will help you.
Do you have a decent tdoc?

I wish you had more people in your life that were good for you.
Mostly I wish that you felt better.

Mari

thank you so much. yesterday i really crashed.....i don't think it was bipolar..i just became paralysed again and hit such a terrifying low. once again I was terrified of death and saw nothing in life. You are right I need more people in my life who are good for me. Since i felt how much my parents beat me up I can't seem to tolerate any questionable treatment of me. it is almost like a slash and burn and I don't have many friends left and am not connected with any groups. I like my psychiatrist and now my therapist. I like her a lot and really look forward now to my visits every other week. She hasn't mentioned shower since I told Dr.M that i wanted to get rid of her.
My housekeeper who i see twice a week (I pay 75 cents an hour ) through the department of aging and I talk a lot. The woman who calls me every week is a real doll. We talked about her kitty cat Buddy who has a bad heart murmur, stomatitis and suffers from bad anxiety and then winds of spraying.
She has moved four times in the past five years because of him, Now she has a six foot cage which he lives in and she washes the wall every day. She has also become a sort of observant orthodox Jew but doesn't like to use the word orthodox. That is why it was so strange that i spoke for an hour with her on thursday and then had such a terrifying feeling on friday. Then I started telling myself dogs and kitty cats aren't afraid of death and welcome it when it is time but not before. I told myself to try to stop thinking about nothingness. I don't believe in nothingness because life is so very complex i just believe it will end that that will be that. then i got out of bed to go to the pharmacist to get klonopin and depakote. I thought that i might be partially reacting to not having klonopin the day before. Usually i have Maria go to the pharmacy for me. anyways a miracle or what i call a miracle happened. In the elevator I ran into a long time neighbor who has emphysema..she looks better than she has ever looked-really adorable-and there were no outward signs that she had it. We exchanged greetings and then i told her i was hanging on. i told her i was seeing a pulmonary doctor on wednesday. she asked who. I told her and she said that was her doctor and she has been seeing him since 2002. she said he is brilliant and CARING AND SO KIND. she kept on raving about him and said i would be in very good hands. i took it as a miracle since a half an hour before i was so terrified and isolated.I am far too sensitive for my own good and I think way too much and my parents really did emotionally beat me up and robbed me of security. the bipolar just exacerbates it. i wonder if it causes the hyper sensitivity. maybe my parents couldn''t have gotten to me if i weren't bipolar and so vulnerable.
bobby

Dear Bobby,

Do you have rosacea. Do you have small, round, angiomas on your trunk, do you have any neurological problems like back pain or sciatica? If you do you might have Tourette's syndrome and one of its symptoms is anger, quick on the trigger, sometimes profanity, and also people often have ADHD type symtpoms. It is ultimately caused by Streptococcus pyogenes infections (Strep A) that you have had during your lifetime. Some people have it so bad, that sometimes during their youths they had rheumatic fever or scarlet fever. IT can act like a bad flu, sore throat or tonsilitis. We'all develop and autoimmune disease from it and it can affect all the tissues in the body, but we sense things with out nerves so people get peripheral neuropathies and we think with the "nerves in our heads" so we get various types of mental malfunction and they are eventually classified as to a persons main symptoms, as they are adjudicated by some clinician. They are all related though to some degree. OK Tell me if I am close in your case.

Norsk10

no i don't. i have really gotten myself into a hole. my bipolar has plagued me most of my life. I have beaten up myself most of my life. I have wanted to be a high achiever and did all sorts of crazy things. I majored in Latin at the U of Penn and I found languages very difficult. I never took the easy way. I excelled big time in tennis and that didn't make my self image better because although i enjoyed the sport mightily, i thought it was just a gift from God and i didn't give myself credit.
I thought as you got older life would get far less complex but mine has seem to taken on a whole new dimension. I don't read on the thread of other peoples's rage or frustration. Practically every body is younger than me. I have really made a mess of my life. For the past five or six years I stay on the bed mostly and read. I don't move but read. Now I have no energy to walk. I have shortness of breath. My pulmonary doctor says it is a mixture of anxiety and being overweight. I have to work on the overwork which is impossible since I just gave up smoking less than a year ago. I know i would feel a lot better if others on the forum talked about feeling rage and how they handle it. Also how they deal with disappointment in their life . I just met a very nice guy and I don't know if I will see him again.. I am so f#$ked up. I really am a very nice person and friends say i am very bright and very creative and i think they put up with me and my madnes and mood swings because i am nice and try to make them feel better. but this new rage eeeks
I am on ritalin for the second day. I think my doctor gave it to me for weight. I feel a lot of rage over all the weight gain in the past nine years since i was diagnosed. I was a thin kid and have a thin mentality. now i have diabetes high blood pressure and pernicious anemia, shortness of breath, and vitamin d deficiency. I can't relate to this at all..
MY bipolar seems to be getting worse yesterday my emotions were going all over the place and i think it was happening in less than minute intervals. it was so uncomfortable.
right now i am trying to work on forgiving myself for constantly beating myself up because i never measured up to my expectations I was a child psychologist for a while and people said i was gifted. it doesn't even make a dent. what will make a dent? do other people have these same problems.
I am a good cat mommy though. one of my cats knows how upset i have been lately so she has been demanding so much attention .. while i pet her endlessly at least i feel i am giving
bobby

YOu are a very giving woman, bobby, I wish you felt better.
You deserve to be nice to yourself too.
I only rage when I am manic and can't control my feelings nor actions and react like a two year old....this rarely happens to me thank goodness!
when the rage is over I have to apoligise to those that I have hurt and try to forgive myself and move on...we have a disease.
bizi
have you ever tried provigil?

that is interesting that you only feel rage when you are manic....or maybe it isn't.are they true feelings?
I haven't tried provigil. I am sure dr m. gave me ritalin for trying to lose weight. I have a hard time sleeping.....i get very few hours. last night i was up over half the night. i finally turned on the air conditioner and i don't know if it was the noise or what but it helped me finally go back to sleep. I can't tell if the depakote is helping me to get to sleep. i take it right before i go to bed.
that nice guy called and we talked for half an hour. He said would get together next week.
I am going to try to teach him the I Ching. we talked a lot about our kitty cats
bobby

well about 5 years ago I was so mad at someone that If they had been there I swear I would have killed them...I was so angry! Those feelings scared me to death!
I am not good at expressing my feelings...many times they come out wrong.
anyway..
It is nice to have nice conversations!

Dear Bobby,

I don't remember your writing about anger like this in the past.
Is it fairly recent?
Is the anger more easily described as part of depression, a mixed mood, or depression?

Or is it more about deep seated feelings about the past coming to the service?

These feelings do not sound like fun and I am sorry you are going through them.


M.