i hate feeling angry and ungrateful too. I feel angry towards my parents a lot in the scrunched situation we are in... stuff comes up... sigh. Yet if it weren't for them i would literally have no place to go right now, and it drives me nutty having negative feelings... there seems to be some superego part of me i guess that is dictating to me that i need to be all-reverent, all-accepting, all-deferent and subservient to them because of this, and falling short in ANY of these areas (i fall short in ALL!) means i am ungrateful. So even though i might actually begrateful, any gratitude i might have gets automatically invalidated. this is so "logical" so left-brained... also very rigid and judgemental besides.

the raw reality is, the emotions we have about ourselves or others don't always go together. they don't tie in neatly with each other. and when we try to make sense of them logically, i think we end up denying parts, or suppressing parts, sort of shaving down a square peg to make it fit a round hole.

anyway i know what you mean about hating how one feels. when i get very angry, even just very angry, i hate that feeling. just that feeling. But i have found that hating it fuels the anger more. What i have done which has helped actually is to pray and ask that my anger be mitigated somehow. Like please God grant me grace, let my anger be tamed by compassion. very simple like that. Sometimes even for myself. because i get angry with myself sometimes. Then i just have to be patient... and remember it is ok to be angry, and that i will get through it to better feelings.

Take care, Bobby. Try not to judge yourself too harshly. I know it's hard, but really... you've lived through a lot and you're living through a lot. You're human and are having human emotions, but that doesn't mean you are bad. Just human. I think being bipolar makes you feel them that much more. But you would probably still feel them if you weren't. But I know...

You have a good heart.

So don't you forget it!

love

~ waves ~

i really loved your post. i read it six times. i am screaming for you. i don't know if you need it but i am still screaming for you....yes silently since i live in ann apapartment and i don't want to also scare my kitty cats.....
feeling straightjacketed by our feelings...not feeling grateful and feeling guilty because we know we should feel grateful and then feeling rage over the whole f>>king mess. not being able to be true to our emotions since they are all over the place anyways....and that they are not responding to our high ideals. wanting to be a robot in a way and finding that idea totally nauseating because we detest the concept....a bird on the wing...free....no trapped because of our intense emotions and fear at this point and anger leading them onward....YUCK
LOVE YOU
bOBBY

this time i gave my therapist a hard time. i was late by fifteen minutes. i am usually early. the bus was a bit late and I was a bit late. I wound up talking for over an hour with a woman around my age who was a stock broker and just so lovely who also had a weight problem and walking problem and who had a schnauzer who had had bone cancer and who rented a mini storage for a lot of her many books. we had so much in common. she suggested i join weight watchers and use a stationary bike. we exchanged numbers.
then i see my therapist....i tell her i just made a new friend...she says that is nice. she says i look nice and then starts with the hygiene. i told her i mentioned it to dr m. and he said it was good to get into a routine but ultimately the choice was mine. I told her if you get three hours sleep a night you don't feel physically up to much....she dismissed that....then i sort of dismissed her. then i talked about the pain of finding out my nephew lived less than ten blocks away from me...but i said the whole thing was a mess....he hadn't been compassionate and my other nephews didn't show compassion.i said it was awful because we are jewish and should know better and the kids had lead a charmed life. she dismissed that and said some people aren't compassion and that shouldn't upset me. later my friend from israel called me and i asked her about compassion....she said that the three most important things for Jews to be are compassionate, modest and i forget the third. I giggled and said I really am Jewish aren't i. She was raised orthodox and I wasn't.
Bobby

Dear Bobby,
I wonder if your Israeli friend was talking about one of these:

http://mentsh.com/avot1-2disc.html

http://www.ravkooktorah.org/KITISA62.htm
I think you handled your tdoc brilliantly.
Ignore her and have your own session as you described.
It sounds like you are less depressed than last time.

Family issues are fraught with angst.
I can see how finding out about your nephew is troublesome to you.
When was the last time you saw him? How old was he?
Do you remember anything else about him other than the Jonestown thing?

I hope that you are feeling ok. Maybe the med changes help. I hope.

M.

hoq did you find that...kindness was the third one. thank you so much....I have learned so much from my friend Suri and love orthodoxy...I grew up reformed and never learned the beauty of Judaism.
Yesterday I was really high. Today I am depressed but it might go away. I saw Alex maybe fifteen years ago or more. It was like yesterday. I have at times a very good memory. I wish I didn't at times. He was in his early twenties and had been out of college for a few years. He behaved like a rich kid who liked me. My three nephews called me Bobby and I guess always thought i was eccentric. They were treated sort of formally by their parents by i was always laid back with them.
Going back on the regular medication dosage has helped I regret to say. I was really hoping i could lower the dosage. The melatonin and magnesium are giving me i think at least another hour of sleep. I have calcium and am having a hard time taking it but that also is supposely helpful in sleep matters too.
I upped my vitamin d to 8,000 a day....which should help my depression....
I am trying.
Before my therapist said i could bring in negative things to her which i don't have to discuss with my friends. She asked for it and I think that will be my line of attack. I don't know what to do. I was a therapist years ago. I would have made such a big deal about meeting Paula....and encouraged me to follow through rather than talk about hygiene.....yuck
Thanks again for finding the third thing. your skills are amazing
Bobby

i just ordered a stationary bike with pc games. Dr. M doubled my celexa and my appetite has been terrifying. I miss smoking so much and i have been eating like a maniac. Paula, the woman I met on the bus the other day told me to get a stationary bike and ride on it. I feel so desperate that I thought it was worth the two hundred dollars even though i am terrified of my financial state.
The magnesium and melatonin have really been helping me catch another hour or two of sleep a night. I can't believe it but i think taking them is the reason I am getting extra sleep. Now if i can only force myself to take the calcium which i also need to combat the negative effects of metformin on b12.
Bobby

Congratulations on the bike!!!

I would ride with you if only i could!

You said you just upped your vitamin D... that will aid your calcium uptake naturally, you know? From food. It might be good to have your calcium level or even all electrolyte/mineral levels checked with your next blood draw after 3 months though, as that is how long it takes for the new vitamin D level to stabilize.

In any event, if you do take extra calcium, make sure the ratio of Mg:Ca supplementation is not greater than 1:2 in favor of the calcium.

That is great news that you are getting a some more sleep. the Celexa could be contributing also. You might actually try removing the melatonin at this point... generally that is for adjusting one's sleep cycle i.e. it should do it's job in a short period of time (few days or a week). Plus, you could always start it up again if necessary.

I am really wowed about the bike. You take it easy though, and start out doing just a bit at a time... just a few minutes at first... you will build up if you do it regularly. regularity is more useful than overdoing it (which can actually be dangerous).

Have fun with it!

Gosh i am so happy for you!


~ waves ~

Dear Bobby,
The bike might be good.
I think I'd use one if I had one set up for me. (that was pretty cool about meeting Paula).

M.

I have to wonder if maybe your nephew wasn't so low in self esteem
that he related to the person doing the killing in Jonestown.


I know I sometimes think I had a son that would have related to the killings
peroid everywhere.

Donna

that is interesting. could you explain it a little more. i never thought of it that way. he had such low self esteem as a little boy. it was tragic. you gave me the chills and hope at forgiveness
thank you
bobby