[waves]

lol i really dunno where my head is any more. i keep spacing out and messing up little things. i am also getting like waking-dreams type things going on in my head... stuff from dreams or tv or memories replaying or playing into new scenarios... runaway trains... i am getting distracted left and right.

i have gobs of energy and very low appetite... i do get hungry but when i eat i am quickly sated. the reason for needing breaks is lack of fitness not fatigue. i don't feel "tired" ... incredible as it is. i am sleeping enough... sometimes. but my sleep is irregular.

i do get tired at the end of the day... wherever my circadian rhythm (which varies) establishes the end of my day as being... lol. but sometimes i wake up only a few hours later. so i have some days of pretty short sleep (4 hours). other days it's normal - 8ish. i wonder if it is a form of sleep deprivation... / REM deprivation... or perhaps i should say, if it is JUST sleep deprivation or if this is giving me a mood jab.

i am also boisterous hyper-reactive. loud, but in a goodnatured way... no irritability. that is GONE. (i can count my blessings in that regard.) am cracking jokes all the time too. i was pretty worried about my parents but am feeling pretty optimistic at the moment. (more blessings to be counted there! )

hmmm.... not sure what's going on!



~ waves ~

[Mari]

Dear Waves,
Are you "possibly running a little high" in response to the activity placed on you due to your mother's virus or was it happening before the dx?

Can you temporarily go up a little on the benzo??
I think you don't want to. At least you know it is an option. This is an exceptional time.
If this feeling goes on an extra day or so is there something else you could take beside the bezno?

Originally Posted by waves

i am also boisterous hyper-reactive. loud, but in a goodnatured way... no irritability. that is GONE. (i can count my blessings in that regard.) am cracking jokes all the time too. i was pretty worried about my parents but am feeling pretty optimistic at the moment.

Good-bye to irritability.

Whatever this is it is good.
Maybe you can ride it for a little while.
What happens when you have felt like this before?

M.

[waves]

Dear Mari...

good questions...

Originally Posted by Mari

Are you "possibly running a little high" in response to the activity placed on you due to your mother's virus or was it happening before the dx?

it has been going on a while... on and off. before my period, when i had the migraines, that kinda dampened things but apparently only temporarily. indeed, i actually did NOT get depressed at that time, and i usually have at least one day of PMS to the point of feeling hopeless and lonely and ... man, just yucko. this time the hormones apparently just chopped down "dr. feel good" for a while. my thoughts were racing back then too...

something happened at home - dad did something that really upset me, i took it very personally - but i talked about it with my pdoc and he helped me regain perspective in a single session so really even that event did not manage to knock the happy happy outta me.

Can you temporarily go up a little on the benzo??
I think you don't want to. At least you know it is an option. This is an exceptional time.
If this feeling goes on an extra day or so is there something else you could take beside the bezno?

could... considering it... you're right... don't wanna. unfortunately i am at 800 mg of Depakote already and i don't want to take a full gram of that either. when i have in the past it has made me "stupid"

Whatever this is it is good.
Maybe you can ride it for a little while.
What happens when you have felt like this before?

yeah... that's what i'm figuring... long as i don't crash. i sure can use the energy i tell ya!

in the past... ummm, well, i can get really productive but not necessarily producing of results... because i "spread out" like i made several gifts for ppl in the US this year and i don't even have the money to finalize the gifts let alone to mail them... i didn't think that far ahead just got entranced with doing them... meanwhile had i not got caught up in those projects i would have got cards out in time - now too late - even though i DID start working on those too... assigning them... but it was too late... la la la... see what i mean?

what else has happened in the past... well, spending. not necessarily big money but lots of little money on lots of little pretty things... for me for others... fortunately though i don't have too much cash ever and i can leave plastic at home. if i had more money right now i probably would spend it. for the rest i'm pretty ok... just dress more MORE and tend to talk to everybody including myself when i am out and about lol.

~ waves ~

[Dmom3005]

Waves

It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on what can and does happen.

I think you are doing pretty good. Not sure what to tell you.

Maybe its time to work on some more job resumes.

Donna

[waves]

if i was running high... it seems to have petered out.

possibly because all that dashing (and more stress/worry than i think i realized) when mom was sick beat the lights out of my physically... past few nights i have got decent sleep... that helps i think.

i am still scatterbrained... missed my stop and had to turn around on the way to pdoc's yesterday - late because of that! but that's about it really.

definitely not depressed or overall anxious though - which is good... that is the opposite state, in a well-being sense, not necessarily in a polar sense. i was out in the grocery store thick with people yesterday not to mention the public transport... but even the shopping-cart 'n' people jams in the store did not phase me.

i am not really hypo or i would have got really impatient and maybe irritable in the supermarket.

but more importantly i do not have the anxiety level i have had for a long long loooooong time now (nor depression), because if i had, just being in that noisy, messy, scrambly, bright, surrounding for 15 seconds would have driven me nuts. i tolerated it very well. found myself yielding a lot to avoid collisions etc... a bit tedious but on the 23rd of December at rush hour... well, it took me a long time to get through the store, but it was AMAZINGLY fine.

~ waves ~

[Mari]

Dear Waves,

This is a good mood report.

Originally Posted by waves

definitely not depressed or overall anxious though - which is good... that is the opposite state, in a well-being sense, not necessarily in a polar sense.

That's a relief.

Originally Posted by waves

but more importantly i do not have the anxiety level i have had for a long long loooooong time now (nor depression),

I'm glad that you feel ok.
You've been through quite a bit. Would you say that you might be unscathed, except for the massage you could use?



M.

[waves]

Dear Mari,

yes, basically ok.

i'll be honest... i feel a bit weird. just weird. not good or bad weird... something i can't put my finger on... can't find a good word for... like, i don't feel fine-good. i feel ok as in i see more-than-adequate functioning in areas where before i struggled.

there is an odd sense of ... well... discomfort that just doesn't fit neatly anywhere. it isn't like coming down from a high where you feel disappointed in normalcy or anything like that - i don't feel "blah."

but... kinda disoriented perhaps?

and BOY could i EVER use a massage!... oooooh man... could i! Had a friend at university with hands of an Angel... we would trade massages... trade secrets too, lol... could use them right now.... hehe... hands and secrets both!

~ waves ~

[Mari]

Dear Waves,
I hear you about a message!
Maybe with the right tools and space one could approximate a massage with a hot tub and jets.

Also a message would help one get restful sleep I think

Originally Posted by waves

Dear Mari,


but... kinda disoriented perhaps?

Are you in transition --- waiting to see what will happen next?

You seem more ok than at other times.
Believe it and go with it.


M.

[waves]

Originally Posted by Mari

Maybe with the right tools and space one could approximate a massage with a hot tub and jets.

sure... the with clause being the contingency there... i am without.

Are you in transition --- waiting to see what will happen next?

You seem more ok than at other times.
Believe it and go with it.

yes i am ok. i do believe it.

waiting... i dunno. i mean for that matter, i have been in a wait state for years...

i really don't know what the weirdness is. i just don't know. it's not like i'm worrying about it... just stating it. it is just there.