I always knew I was the "pants in the relationship" but I have been made aware through my sponsor and therapist, that I am controlling a situation. I asked my husband to go to a meeting with me where I picked up a significant marker of time chip and my sponsor said, I was controlling.

I just want him to see the process of what I am going through. Is that to much to ask?

I have been wrestling around with the idea that I need to lose the control aspect of my behavior and let go.

I try to be proactive in my heathcare, because I have to be.

I am feeling at a loss right now because I am depressed in a mixed state of up and down and from one hour to the next I have no idea what is going on, and I don't have substance (alchohol) to control the up and down.

Does anyone else experience controlling behavior?

I just realized I have no idea what I am talking about. The topic was controlling behavior. Does anyone know how to try to let go?

Hi,

I have no answer to your question. In my opinion though, you wanting your husband to go to a milestone meeting is not controlling. My soon to be ex-husband was controlling and he did it by isolating me, and making sure I had little money. I am unaware of other forms of controlling and from what you described it doesn't sound controlling to me. Perhaps getting your therapist to go further into it? I argued with my therapist last time until she had me understand her.

befuddled2

Dear Nuttybuddy,

Congrats on the time chip!!


This is what little I know about controlling. My parents are both controllers. And so am I. Lately I have become less so.

Controlling is related to codependency.
It is also something that AA people/sponsors would be very sensitive to.

I guess if you invited your husband that is one thing.
I gues if you insisted after he said no it is another thing.

But we/I can't make generalizations based on one event.


It's not too much to ask. I wish he wanted to be with you for this occassion.

You can do this without the alchohol. Stay on track. You are doing well even if you don't feel like you are right now.
Mari

Hi,
Cog Beh Therapy can help with this.
So can meditation.
Here are some links.

Also remember that there is a broad range in behavior. Some people are very controlling. Some are a little controlling. A little might be good sometimes.

And well, we learn behaviors like this when we are young -- in other words we learn at the feet of our parents.
I think that in some cases (my Mom) it is related to anxiety and ocd.
Mari

How to Stop Being Controlling
http://www.ehow.com/how_13300_stop-controlling.html

Dr. Phil Stop Being Controlling and Critical
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/93

Controlling Behavior – How Do You Attempt To Control?
http://www.familyresource.com/lifest...ling-behavior-

I have been called a "control freak" many a times before....
I am trying to not be one....
TRYING to let go of that...
let me know if you have any insight....
thanks
bizi


thanks for the postings Mari.

Nutty some times some of us have to have control because someone does....
They get to decide the good stuff they want to control, like when to have fun. I get to have control of all the dull work stuff....
So, stuck in control...Now how was that for confusing, but I felt great saying it.

Oh, I don't know about the chip, but sounds like a trap to say one is a controlling person just because they want the floor to speak uninturrupted about an issue inportant to them.

Who kept the family timely, packed and feed, healthy and safe on vacation?
You rock
Your a mom you get to have control, just think back to our grandmother how homes were run.
Di

I was always putting other first, still do to a certain extent but have decided for my well being it can't happen as much anymore.

I am learning to say no and learning to make others see how important some things are to me and sometimes now I get the label controlling.

You can do this without the alcohol. I know how hard it is. Even though I've never had a problem with alcohol, I know how hard it is. Both my grandfathers were alcoholics, one died due to it. My dad's brother also.

I saw him sober for over 20 years and saw how hard it was for him at first, it got easier, but he said sometimes it would come back. He went back to it and within 6 months his liver gave out and he was gone. Now his son, my cousin, is fighting it. I hope he wins. At least we had my uncle for 20 years more than we would have if he hadn't been sober for that time.

HUGGS

Every therapist I have ever seen also tells me that I am too controling with my husband...

I tend to be the one who "wears the pants", but the way my husband and I both see it is that someone has to be the one who is in charge of the household. Someone has to be the one to make sure the bills get paid, make sure the pets are fed, etc... I tend to be the house manager person.

This makes mental health professionals uneasy because A) I am the woman and B) they assume that it is a 'controling' behavior because of my mental health issues.

In my opinion, it's not a control issue at all. My husband doesn't see it as a control issue, and neither does any of our friends or family.

I grew up as the oldest child of 6 kids - my husband grew up as an only child who was a bit spoiled... due to our childhoods, my husband literally did not know how to do any type of household stuff when we met. He didn't know how to do laundry or dishes or vacuum and he didn't even know how to fold his own clothes because his mother always did it for him. In addition, he was never taught any money management skills by his parents, so bill paying and balancing a checkbook was also a mystery to him.

To make a long story short, because I know how to do all of these thing and because he didn't know - I stepped into the "house manager" type of roll where I became the person who made sure that things got done and that they got done properly and on time. As time has gone on, the roles have gotten more equalized because he finally learned how to do things (like pay bills).

Therapists and other mental health people see our relationship as one of control... which makes me laugh because when the roles are reversed and it is the husband who is keeping track of appointments and bills and other household stuff it is not seen as control unless the husband is abusive.... but when it is the woman who is in charge it is seen as controling even when it is not abusive.

Essentailly, if the roles of your relationship work for you and work for your husband - then try not to let the mental health people tell you that it needs to change.

My husband does not want to be in charge of keeping track of appointments and remembering when bills are due... it causes him extra stress, and since he works a 40+ hour week and I don't work at all, I don't mind at all taking on that stress/responsibility of being in the role of the 'house manager'. Some one has to be in the "take charge" role because otherwise things either don't get done.

My husband and I are happy with our relationship and our roles. If the mental health people don't like it then that is their issue because my marriage has only 2 people in it - me and my husband - and the way we have both defined our roles in this relationship works perfectly for us and keeps us both happy and content and our marriage works.... and we are not going to change something that works or change something that we like simply because an outsider doesn't like it.

Sorry to babble on your thread.... but I hope it helps.

Liz

i understand liz.

i cook all the meals for my family. i plan them. they rarely give me any input. what i cook...they eat. they LIKE it that way. i know what they enjoy, so they don't have to worry about that.

for hubby, that is one less decision he has to make. he appreciates that. but the tables are turned if we go out. he or the kids decide where to go and hubby will order for me. ( ok...so that was a bad idea when i was wearing a cream colored suit and grandmonkey picked bbq)

when the people who are involved are in agreement, i wouldn't think it would be a control issue. it's just the roles we are in.

Thanks for all your replies.

It is true, now I see it, whatever they think, they can think, it works, thanks wittesea!! And I don't work, so I do have the time.

Mari-you raise a good point, my relationship is being re-done, its getting a makeover, re-establishment of roles, because I am no longer just drunk all the time. So this really does have some ties to past co-dependant behavior on my part and his. He did not see I had a problem with drinking, he thought it was just the bipolar. Now I am making him aware of it, it "seems" controlling to some, I just want him to see this is what I am going through, this is where I have been, this is where I go every day and how hard it is to never taste beer or get high again.

The control thing does have to do with AA, surrender, but I am sorry on some health issues I CANNOT, just let go let god. I hate to utter that but I have to...I am trying to put it in terms of not being controlling, but I am learning to assert myself and SET BOUNDARIES to protect myself, not control a situation but boundaries is my new word.

Thanks, oh yeah, I don't have kids, he is the kid. And I am OVER that, thanks to this board, tons of therapy, and finally ACCEPTANCE.