then all these negative feelings (post above), and the fact that i had not seen my uncle since i was too young to even remember it ....

makes me feel like i'm emotionally making much ado about nothing.

i feel like i am not "supposed" to feel any loss.

like i am not allowed to be sad for this.

like my feelings don't count and are trivial compared to those who were actually in contact with my uncle.

i feel deprived and at the same time it seems selfish to feel that way.

it is awful, and it is confusing, too.

Waves,

My father told me not to come to his mother's funeral.
I wanted to go but I could not once he told me no.
A few days later, a cousin got on the phone with me and said SHE needed me that I she would pay for my trip. She and her husband even picked me up at the airport. So I went to the funeral not caring what my father thought.
Once he saw me, father was happy and relieved.


Your feelings count.
They are as real and a legitimate as anyone else's feelings.
Those feelings are in their own huge category and cannot be compared to others. Feel what you need to feel right now.

Separate yourself from whatever concern you have about others.


You deserve these feelings you have.
M.

thank you. i will try to keep reminding myself i have a right to feel whatever i feel. i know that you are right about that, even if i don't feel right about it... i hate when that happens. well, when i can't seem to get it, i will come back and read your post.

i have to keep trying not to be obnoxious to my parents and sometimes i don't keep myself in check too well. it isn't just me though... my mother is digs up past things, then they argue over it and with the topic being batted back and forth, it is so easy for the tiniest comment to slip out of my fat mouth - happened tonight - which can lay a potential guilt trip on dad. of course it doesn't help anybody, not me and and especially not him - he lost his brother after all.

i am glad your cousin needed you at your grandmother's funeral, so that you got to go even after your dad said no. nobody should interfere in anybody else's going or not going to these occasions i think or try to figure out why people did or didn't go. hmphhh.

~ waves ~

Waves you do have the right to feel what ever you feel.
It is your actions/words that you will have to deal with the consequenses, since you are living with them.
I bet it is really hard biting your lip....I am sorry for that.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Waves
Not really sure what to say to you since everyone has already given you such great advice. I guess I just wanted you to know that I was reading your posts and trying to understand and sympathize with you. Good luck with your grieving process. You will just need a little time.

collinsc

Dear Waves,

People can get ugly at funerals.
When an aunt's husband died, the aunt's many siblings criticized her for lots of things. They tried to argue with her about the manner in which she brought her husband's body to their hometown for the service -- they seriously tried to argue with her over flying or driving, about how long she should stay in town, where she would stay, and so on . . . Then they kind of got on teams about who agreed with whom.

These kinds of family dynamics were often established in childhood.
And if someone (or two! ) has anxiety (or other) issues, the whole thing gets worse. Thank goodness that we can exit ourselves from that quibbling / nitpicking / quarreling / fighting. I'm not saying that this is similar to your father's family.

For some people, unresolved issues that were simmering can come to the surface at times of extra stress.

Whatever your mom is going on about, has nothing to do with the actual issue. Do your best to keep ignoring her.

Please tell yourself not to feel guilt. Try to free yourself.

You did go to the funeral.
That was a big deal and that counts.

M.

Dear Waves,
Do you want to talk about your cousins?
Did you enjoying seeing them and their children?

M.

I hope you are able to sleep tonight.....you have been thru a lot!
((((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Waves

Your feeling are justified, and we want to hear them so please say
what you want and need.

Donna

((((((HUGS)))))))
bizi