Dear Blue

i am the same...

it is going to take several weeks. i have to be at least at 50mg for it to have any effect but it may take more. once at therapeutic dosage it takes a few weeks to act....



~ waves ~

Dear Waves,

We will count down the weeks with you.
One good thing is that you can expect a good outcome since you are familiar with Zoloft.

You are not shooting in the dark like we've done with other meds. Take care of yourself.

M

Thanks Mari.

yes, i feel comfortable with Zoloft. it isn't stressful like starting a brand new med. i am not fearful about side-effects. i could run into some activation, but i have some Depakote on hand. i'd rather not take that, but i will if i need it to give the Zoloft a fair chance.

i don't actually know how effective the Zoloft will be. my pdoc is right that a lot of what is going on is situational. but i've been realizing lately that even if some things are improving, my attempts at life are completely empty. i don't feel hopeful about anything. when i am lively, or joke around it is superficial... when i do important things like look for work etc... it's only because i feel i have to. nothing feels satisfying or rewarding, let alone exciting.

i did one of those depression questionnaires on the web... and it's not so much the score that got to me (high) but my own answers were sort of in my face. for instance, do you think about death... umm not much... only on a daily basis. the thoughts are more on the lines of wishing i didn't exist than actually wishing to die... the mechanisms scare me. pain scares me. but the non-existence wish is perpetual. sometimes it is even a painful sort of yearning. how situational is that.

it seems likely the Zoloft can make at least a little difference. it's worth trying.

i have nothing to lose.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,
Cripes!
You have been suffering this down-ness for a while and you are right to do the Zoloft. It's a shame that Zoloft couldn't also help you with your situation.

M.

maybe indirectly it will.

the depression is worse than i thought. it is the subtle kind and i think it crept up on me and because i did't exactly feel great before... and my situation isn't great, i underestimated it.

before, i had other problems with getting around but i also had a great deal of anxiety. the physical problem is resolved, and in general so is the anxiety. i still become anxious with job-hunting but only to what seems a normal degree.

soooo.... if the Zoloft makes a significant improvement in the degree of depression, it could help me to help myself out of my situation.

for now, much as i hate to say it i am out of the running. whatever fumes i was running on for the last run of interviews are gone. if something had come through, it might have had a bootstrap effect on me from the outside. but my inside bootstraps ain't happening. i feel like there is a weight on my chest most of the time. not an anxious pressure/pain thing. its more, like ... crap, i have to bother to breathe. in, out. there, another one.

~ waves ~

i wrote this in 1989 before being thrown out of university. i wrote a lot back then. i was going through the motions then too, like i am now. not enough motions: not going to class... not taking exams...

it is called, none, all lower case, and the lines also are expressly all lower case. i myself was in lower case:

stark and bare

no feeling left
to feel
the evening air

cold and still

no movement left
to move
the broken will

all and one

no breath to take
no breath
at all

none

I am sorry that you are suffering waves.
I wish it were easier for you...
I am hopeful for the zoloft to provide you with some comfort sooner than later.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Dear Waves,
You are keeping your patience.
I'm reading to see how you do without headaches or migraines.
I hope that you do well.

Mari, with you.

Dear Donna,

thank you. i think i do need to talk about it to someone. my pdoc isn't here and i haven't told my parents because i don't want them hovering over me and grilling me about this or that... you guys are supportive without being hovery or grilly.

but i am being explicit about dosages etc because it isn't being written anywhere else.

i can't cut/paste from here because the chart is highly structured. only a few columns are in note form and those are done telegraphically (lists of abbreviated stuff). but a lot is numeric. there are graphics and tables that get generated automatically based on some of the numbers.

~ waves ~

Thanks Mari. that was really sweet.

that's one thing about this amorphous sort of depression. impatience requires energy and a mental investment i don't have to put out i guess. as you said before i'm waiting anyway. might as well take an itty bitty pill once a day while i'm waiting and see what falls out...

well i just woke up. today i have a bit of sinus congestion which is hopefully only to do with my having suspended my steroid spray. i hope it is not a migraine coming on. i had to suspend the spray because i am suspicious of hypersensitivity causing a lot of drip and making me cough. i get that with allergies anyway, and have to take pills, i don't need to add to it with the stupid spray and have to take pills even more often - the same pills that i was trying to avoid taking all the time by using the spray. dog chasing tail.

ah. i think murder she wrote is on. Jessica Fletcher, here i come. tv is a good depressed adult-sitter.

~ waves ~