Dear Waves,
I hope that work went better today.
Maybe you can settle down while the boss is away.
M.

Waves

When you hit the right amount you will know it.

It took less than a 10 day period for my oldest to get relief
on his depakote. But it had to be raised at a later time just
a slight bit.

Donna:grouphug:

other substances
 

Thanks Donna. that is very useful feedback on the Depakote.

Yes Mari, the building is very sparsely occupied this week and at least yesterday there was no one in my office

.... so i got to stay in the dark when it got dark.... :D
.... i didn't get "hooked" into the dramas around me

i got some work done i was pleased with. i wasn't very linear (edited in sort of eh, ambush mode... oh! there's a spot! ahhh... that reminds me....

note to self: check if word has a feature to check for hanging sentences.
note to you guys: i hhhhhhhhhhhate using any word grammar/syntax features because they make you spend too much time "telling" the software that this or that "word" is technical jargon and "ok - leave alone - do not capitalize - do not decapitalize etc etc etc."

but i seem to have got most spots. today i have to hope another dude is there so i can tell him part of his stuff that is supposed to be up to date still isn't and it's messing up my data.

i am still thinking it might be an overkill but heck i can't see the middle of the road of there is one, so... whatever. at worst, the you-know will hit the fan and it will get back to my original hiring consultant that i'm an wiz with microsft word and who knows where that can take me..... hehe. :rolleyes:

~ waves ~

other substances
 

hmmmm...

let's try this again:

OTHER SUBSTANCES

alcohol - not had any since fri 17th - been too physically sick.

caffeine - suspended maybe a week ago, perhaps during the first weekend when the racing thoughts started getting bad. ideally i should stop all caffeine when i first get hypo... don't always notice in time. i have to stear clear when manic - because it can aggravate things rather badly.

the past few days i ahve started having tea again. now i wonder if that is responsible for the "cleaner" high of doing too much wanting too much etc. in the same breath it may have helped treat the fits of acute melancholy? i'd rather be high than running the gamut of moods in the space of a day or simultaneously.

today i had less tea and was less buzz-buzzy, more tired, but still distracted. physically i am still not fit. when i breathe or laugh you can hear that my airways are not clear. it takes big toll mania or not. and the building was extra cold from noone being there turning heat up.

--------------
i normally drink gobs of coffee, and am fine. :o sometimes, i could not remain conscious without (a lot of) it.

I am NOT EVEN THINKING about going NEAR COFFEE yet. :eek:

still having viivd dreams. racing thoughts are improving though. more genuine hyperness and a lot of distraction and then when other ppl distract me i get real mad.

i am not physically well enough to have alcohol yet - probably a blessing in disguise that...

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,

That's good that you got some work done the other day. I hope that the virus thing has run its course and you are stronger. Maybe each day you feel a little steadier mood wise too. :)

I love being alone in my office with no one there. I get work done. More importantly I think ahead a little bit with no one bringing me back to their present needs / issues. Also, if I am alone, I don't have an opportunity to annoy anyone or say the wrong thing or curse (my fav way of talking. :cool:)

Yes, WORD really stinks. The grammar seems worse than the spelling purported assistance. I don't turn off the feature because the spelling helps save me from embarrassment, even if it costs me time.

M.

well now i get inspired, i get antsty, i get angry i get tired, i have tea, i go pee, and i hack and hack and hack. both from the chest and the keyboard :D.

it was cold in the office today. my boss emailed me which made a confusing intrusion on my afternoon without which i would have been far better off... the intrusion that is, not the afternoon. well i spent a good bit of time muttering mean things about him to myself :) noone there to hear it haha. and i did continue my stuff at least some. just CUZ. :cool: Hmmphh!

considering i am supposed to be off tomorrow (everyone is)... what's the use of emailing someone "instructions for the week" with only FIVE HOURS left in it???????????

i am stronger enough that i went to the bar to wish them a good new years and felt like the bart owner got on a highhorse discussing something and so rather than hangout for my third glass of bubbly i paid and left, thereby depriving him of my money (only reason i left) .... while i was paying (owner does register) i was graciously placative telling him i understand the issues i had brought up were clearly much more complicated than i had thought.

he has interesting input but he doesn't have to be an *** about it. i felt like kicking cans when i left. if i hadn't been sick i would have stopped elswehere and got trashed. i feel physically off enough that the idea makes me puke.

the bartender is so perceptive he must have seen a wave of something cross my face when i got like, yeah whatever and turned my tension back to my drink.... before going to pay... he asked if i was ok and was concerned... i jumped right up the tree about there being just SOOOO few buses i'm afraid to get stranded......... but i'm fine really. oh, so Fine.

somebody hand me an oscar. no?
then howabout an oscar meyer weiner? :D
NO? ok then a no-name brand weiner???? :hissyfit:
summore wine????

seriously i only had two glasses of bubbly totally tolerable, bit sleepy on the bus home but fine now.

back is broken body is broken. last night i pulled out every piece of clothing that is upstairs - cupboard and boxes - and got dumped on the bed - the clothing.... and reorged while half-watching the Vampire Diaries which i normally am glued to but i couldn't unglue from the organizing.... there was a lot of putting up and taking down of heavy boxes...... hence the physically bad condition.

only 4 hours sleep. but i made it in by 9.15 today.

when my pdoc gets back he'll tell us how my mood is. i have given up on that. telling.

i didn't buy any more hose. it helped that the stand wasn't there that has it, yesterday when it was, they hardly had any let alone nice ones, and i was not carrying money. stands don't take plastic, see. ;) iz all under the table. half thems don't have permits to be here let alone be sellin stuff.

~ waves ~

Waves

I'm personally glad to see I'm not the only one that doesn't like word.

I thought it was just me.

Donna:grouphug:

Dear Waves,

That respiratory thing needs to go. . . . time for your body to be whole. geeze. :heartthrob:

Yikes. This is almost something that I would do. Sometimes I have a need to get info out while I am thinking about it and while it is sorted in my head, but I stop and think about how the timing might be read by the other person. On one of our last days before break, I sent something to a jr. colleague asking her to look over it and let me know what she thought. She gave me half of a response and then nothing. I figure I'll hear from her in Jan. I know that people can ignore my emails if they find my questions / issues ill timed.
I wish wish that I could figure out how to send email on a delay . . . for example write an email at 2:30 am that does not get sent until 8:00 am.
. . . . Or a day later or whatever.

Your escape to the bar was rather unpleasant -- not much of an escape. It's too bad that you do not have a hangout with people who know you.

No more hose for now. :( :confused:

Are you off for the week end?
Lots of places are still working /open on Dec 31. One year, I want for a mamo on Dec 31. Years ago, my old pdoc asked me to come in on Dec 24 for a session with one of his students who asked me questions for thirty mins, and then talked to the pdoc for thirty mins. I hope she passed her test.
I may have opened up to her in ways I was not opening up to him . . . . or maybe, he was listening better with that configuration. My treatment had a turning point and things started getting better after that. That future pdoc may have given my pdoc some perspective he did not have until she showed up.


The oscar business is sooo stressful. . . . . my day would be easier. Really, that is the thing that makes work be work. If I could be myself, I would might enjoy doing the things I have to do. The role playing is constraining and very hard work. . . but it's not only work . . . . it's most dealings with people and the reason that some of us isolate.


Take care of your back.

I hope the pdoc comes back soon. It is good that you are aware that you can't read your moods. That's ok. It's his job to read and then tell you what has to happen next.

Good luck with the sleep.

M.

i wish things could get easier for you.
love
bobby

see, we are totally on the same page with that. the fact that email is asynchronous it is one of it's biggest advantages. sender and recipient do not have to have their timing match up... i should have explained what the boss did fully.

it was indeed 5 hours before 3 day weekend, after which, he is in office.
ok so i get his email. since, when i wrote him (from my bed, at home) he did not deign me with so much as an acknowledgement, let alone get well wishes or christmas wishes, i decided i was not going to deal with his email right then.

well. ELEVEN MINUTES after the arrival of said email, a colleague from next door comes rushing in and says boss called him saying he sent me mail, did i get the mail, could i look at it, and then call boss back at this number (colleague provides).

beyond me why none of the phones in MY office rang during those eleven minutes since boss should know his extension and he DOES know that i sometimes answer it if he is not there. i mean it would have been less contorted to at least try???

ok, so i go ahead and call him... and he explains more thoroughly and says to start that if i have any problems call him again. didn't even ask me what i was doing... hello, like status? any issues??? or did he think i'd been there since tuesday twidding my thumbs? sheesh.

ok so that's why i was so irritated. he ignored me when i was sick, and when i got back. then the day before he gets back he'sall over email and phone disturbing another colleague besides me .... he even gave the colleague his CELL to give to me to call him - he hates giving that out - had he tried calling his own office he could have avoided it!

LOL.
yeah... that usually helps. maybe he should try that.

that is REALLLLY COOL!! :):):) i wish her well, too.

the escape to the bar at least served some of it's purpose. the bartender is a dear. i've seen the other guy get coarse and on a high horse before i just wasn't having it that night. he was starting to rub the wrong way and another wrong comment ... well i knew i was in flip lid territory. i like several of the regulars in there and even if it means paying an owner i'm not crazy about money, i don't want to cut myself off for good. but i did want to cut out then, and deprive him just a little, heh. microrevenge!

yup yup yup yup yup yup yup.

my pdoc let me have it about this behavior and that behavior and whatnot last time i was there. usually he is pretty tame. and then he gives me depakote. hmmmm. he was not rude - but he was very emphatic. that i was out of line. but i believe that some things are character.

now, maybe others don't have character and that's the problem. or maybe i'm more far gone than i know and THAT's the problem. and of course i'm comparing times that "worked" in that i didn't get fired but was maybe still not ehhh "normal" ? so i dunno. pdoc and i are going to have to get into it about what is ok and not ok and to what degree one can be oneself

because you betcha. the acting - that KIND of acting... is more of a covering up, of a swallowing, holding back, pushing back, constantly monitoring tone.....

i feel sorry for horses. i wonder if they feel like we do after they are "broken in" ... with that bit in their mouth that tells them how to act....

i frankly i think many ppl enjoy having someone colorful and even silly around the place. maybe i just can't tell the degree. i dunno. then again there are those that act like they have that proverbial pole in a certain place but for some reason i figure that's their problem. :p

it is almost 4.30. i didn't feel like going to bed... and didn't. i feel rebellious tonight. i'd dance on the rooftops if it weren't so cold. nahh, not really (fraid of heights). but the fountain yes. i'm not afraid of water. :D

back is better... i really strained with those boxes... got started couldn't stop. somebody stick a bit in my mouth and pull? :eek:

~ waves ~

Dear Waves, :hug: :hug: :hug:
You are probably right that some things are character and some mood disorders. The pdoc can help with both.

The pdoc is helping you keep your job past the three month mark near the end of February. You are about half way. You have done great. Do what the boss needs and be polite to the others as you are doing and you will be fine.


One thing that might be happening is that you expect to do actual work -- work that is interesting, helpful, rewarding, engaging somehow. . . . The boss does not care about that. He wants you to do pretty much what he would do or what he has seen others do. Take your effort down some notches and relax more. Pretend to be working. Then pretend again and get through the next moments. If things don't make sense or are not going right, pretend some more.
=-=-=

Lack of sleep, the viral thing, and the mood thing have not helped. This is a lot to contend with so keep giving yourself time to find a groove. Even if you don't even get the right groove exactly, you get get closer to it than you are now.

Work stinks. That's why they have to pay us for it. (A comedian said that once --I wish I remember who)

From your description, the people at work are not interested in making you feel welcome. The boss (to put it nicely) is not friendly. He might be fine as a person (I'm taking a leap here), but he stinks as a boss.
Think of work as work.


Regarding the horse. Forget about the bit for a minute:
Horses are herd animals preyed upon by other animals. They need each other for protection. Maybe our work day is can be thought of in a way that can be helpful.

I'm wondering about a cat's life. How would thinking about cats help? I think cats would not work at all or would have top jobs where they get paid to do lots of deep thinking without ever moving.

Dogs, . . . I don't know what dogs would be like if we had to think of them as workers. They would sleep, bother each other for a while and go back to sleep -- actually, that almost sounds like my work place on a good day.

I think of work as like a long airplane trip. Uneventful is good.

Are you hoping to get more out of work? To be engaged?
If you are not engaged, then that is why I might be hearing disappointment. . . . . . If I'm wrong let me know.

Relax this weekend and be kind to yourself.



M.

Dear Waves, :hug: :hug: :hug:

I'm sorry that you are going through a tough time. I want this period to get better for you.


Lots of hugs.
M.

Waves

I think he knows that he was rude and was getting around it by contacting
other person.


Happy New Years to you.

Donna:grouphug:

HI waves,
how are you doing?
love you
bizi

hey folks welll i tried to answer this thread last night and
whoooops... browser slipped on a banana
so it goes, lost my post.... yeah yeah i always do a copy before submit....
waddayaknow... forgot!!! lol... i do't like to stay logged in...so i don't do that.

anyway. quickie for now coz ...................

my pdoc increased my depakote (anti-manic). we'll see if that takes a notch out of me or what at work. i get stuff done but still have racing thoughts - concengration problems but it goes in spurts so when i'm like OH YEAH, then i get stuff done FAST, and then it's like, "feed me, see, MORE!!!" and i get real restless and impulsive can get me into trouble.

i am still sick, anitbiotic and all (did i tell you i saw the sub, and she gave me an antibio?). plus, i got real irritatable and had some wine tonight. yah, i know, not "ideal." and between all of these things, i am now pretty tired. oh yeah and had my usual periodic (erhm so to speak) migraines yesterday and today... fun fun...... more wiperouters.

got some stuff done today all the same, sorta. but not most of what i meant to do i got distracted and re-distracted and redirected on the web... sigh......................

still need to come back and reply about my boss and work stuff. WILL do.... at some point.

oh btw i am now thinking maybe he dind't get that email. 2 ppl i sent emails to from that addy didn't reply. one was in november and she wrote much later but didn't mention... so i asked... nope. other was very recent... sent a nice html-designed thing - person is usually very polite - if they had got it i think they would have acknowledged it - so i think they didn't get it. however, both of these were in the US where occasionally i have routing problems because ppl ISPs in this country cannot be bothered to filter spam riding their outgoing servers.... so every now and then something gets black listed... if i'm lucky i get an bounce message but not always.

now, i have not had routing problems within this country because this country doesn't do all the checks - fi thy did, i wouldn't have problems sending out of country DUHHHH.... don't get me started..... anyway lets be gracious and say maybe boss dind't get email. maybe i'll ask him. or maybe not. he was real sweet past few days....

sweet pita. sweetbread lol. innards and cinnamonrolls. do you figure cinnamon rolls are named after guts?

~ waves ~

thanks for the update.
be well.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

hello waves bizi
 

Hi wavs and Bizi, have not heard from eithor of you, but I engage in some of the posts and see you there. Have a happy new year. Lets hope this new year brings all of us a little relieve from our conditions. ginnie:hug:

hi ginnie! hope this new year is a good one for you!
bizi

thanx and happy new year to you too Ginnie.

confrontation with boss...
 

had a confrontation w boss today
took me off the scales because it involved my asking a question, upon which, he looked at me as though i were a flying purple people eater and said, with furrowed brow, that we'd "been all over that yesterday!" so at first i said i didn't think so and something else just shy of "in what in what universe?" but suddenly realized..... Depakote????? :eekL so i ultimately said i perhaps interpreted things improperly.

anyway mathematical debate ensues over problem areas. the icing was when he said i was being frivolous. i told him each project was different and to the best of my knowledge our work involved applying these frivolous theories in each case, to each project, in whatever way would make most sense, which would not be the same every time. hmppph. he also said no way it would work for me to do what i was attempting. i said i'd still like to investigate it if it was ok. he shrugged and left.

BTW, then when he left i checked my (his) notes about our 'conversation' yesterday and NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. we did NOT talk about that don't freak my head man. and then... oh never mind.

thank gooodness he went to lunch. i was schitting bricks (and i would have schat them on his keyboard, believe me.) and could not string thoughts togehter let alone investigate things by writing code. not for a good half hour. i could NOT take a lorazepam, because i am so sleep deprived after it sorted my out of sorts, it would have made me real sleepy, last thing i needed with boss taking me for a ninny as it were.

so he got back smiling after about an hour.... i was still so chock foulll of adrenaline i was afraid of further engagement.

so he sits and 2 mins later i get a sorta cheeky smile over the top of our monitors and he goes, you know, you can do that thing you were saying, the way you were saying. i did not want to engage. i spoke as flatly as possible:
- what thing?
- you know, that thing we were talking about, before.
- (still flat) what part of that thing, precisely.
- here, come, take a look at this (he had pulled my db code and was tweaking it...

ok, so he shows me his tweaks... that supposedly solved both "cases" of the problem. thing is, although my solution "looked" different, it was mathematically identical. and since i was still getting errors, i realized we had a theoretical emmm, "issue" of a completely different nature. and THAT's when i approached him before lunch and he took everything that came out of my mouth to be idiocies.

so at this point, i had to get through, to mr. very-happy-with-himself, that
1. that the problem he was solving was a non problem
2. his solution and mine were superficially different but mathematically identical.
3. there WAS STILL that other problem.....

but THIS time i threw out some nice formal terms, one to avoid having to spend a half hour arguing point 2 with him.

another, regarding point 3.... a term which in comp sci and especially db applications is often synonymous for "this solution is going to kick your clients in the crotch and then they will turn around and do that to you."

2 more minutes of exchange i had info i needed to keep going and he let me go do my stuff and did his own stuff. 5 minutes later he was on the phone and i was struggling with a bottle of water and he waves it to him and opens it for me. i took it as a peace offering. i think with him it's the best you can get.

the rest of the afternoon was pleasant. he even called me in on something he had been working on with another engineer. somehow that had the effect of calling me a not-moron.

so that was that.

i get out at 4.30 tomorrow coz pdoc didn't have any late appointments. crazy week i can't seem to get to bed/sleep before 2. at least tonight i ironed a skirt.

sorry for the very long post

i think of all of you here on the forum often and send you good wishes through out the day. :Heart:

love :grouphug:

~ waves ~

thank you for checking in !!!!!!
sounds like you handled that well.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Dear Waves,
I really read it and understand it.
I am sorry that I cannot present a full response.

I do wonder if this is the way the boss is. Maybe you have not gotten used to each other yet.


This kind of stuff angers me -- when someone says they said something when the did not. I'm glad your figured it out.


. . . .good way to handle this one.

Keep plugging Waves. You are doing well. Really, you are.
M.

Dear Waves,

This might be off topic.

In my adult work life, most of the time when I have troubles at work it is because of the boss. It is rarely the work itself.
One time it was the colleagues. Mostly it is the boss.

Would you be perfectly fine doing the work with little interaction / interference from the boss?

M.

Dear Waves,

He is a bit of a weirdo.

But from this, it almost sounds like he likes interacting with you.
You did manage to keep your cool. That was good.

Have you noticed that sometimes people at work don't really care if the work is getting done or getting done correctly?
They live in the moment of now -- not in the future where the problem becomes a bigger problem. . . . .
. . .they are focused (to the extent that they focus) on being right, being comfortable, . . .

Today is Friday, thank goodness.
I'm tired from my week.

=-=-

Maybe this is helpful or not, but I got through two thirds of my work day on Wednesday before I noticed that my blouse (very pretty at that) was on inside out. :eek:

When I noticed no one was around, I immediately reached to take it off and put it on correctly, but reminded myself that although no one was around, I was not in a private area, and anyone could show up while I was in the midst of fixing my attire.

I did not leave to go to a restroom or to my office. I got my stuff (but not my blouse) ready for the next group to come in. I announced to the group that I was aware of my clothing / blouse situation and moved on.

I can't really blame the blouse mishap on sleep deprivation because I might have done the exact same thing on a better day.

Happy Friday.
M.

I am glad that you were able to stop the impulse to change your blouse there, as someone could have easily walked in. good for you!
no one probably noticed....
bizi

(((Bizi)))

thanks for the support. sorry for the long post. funny it was i came here to say something else but got distracted and ... story of the past few weeks.

(((Mari)))
it does sound like you really get it. later i want to answer some of the more specific things you said about bosses and trouble at work.

i've done the inside out bit. i usually go to the rest room to change when possible. it bugs me until i get the chance to do so, and i've used "relatively-sheltered" moments to just pull a fast one. :D lol. anyay you will get to wear that pretty blouse again right side out, no worries. so it can be appreciated properly.

this week must have backwards planetary events or something. if it is any consolation to you, out of the 4 days i worked this week, 2 of them i went in with unexpectedly mismatched earrings! :rolleyes: but being i sorta feel nakedw ithout earrings.. i left them in. what i did was to change the colored scarf i had which clashed with one of them, to a black scarf... so that they both looked nice and not too messy. the first day no such adjustments were possible.... but... hey. no account'n for taste right! and i don't figure the firm has earring codes!!!!!

i do seem to be about "down" now though. i had a couple days when i was very verrrrrry restless, aggressive, antisocial (not Asocial, but anti). now i actually seem to be calming all around. fortunately i do not feel the usual pathetic worthlessness that woould cause me to fear depression waiting. but no... in fact i still have a little spunk! :) so i think i am ok.

my head is a mess again with racing thoughts though but there is a temporary reason for that... it is systemic and not mood-related.

li am not at work today but YEAH, TGIF!!!!!! :hug:

~ waves ~

Oh Waves, what an ordeal you've been through! :hug:
I'm so glad that you feel like you're coming down a little! :)

Personally, I HATE being manic! My mind writes checks that my body can't cash! Sometimes I do "feel" like I'm enjoying myself, tho.
Does anyone else get s/s thoughts when they're manic?

Waves
I have to say "WOW" Fantastic job you are doing.

Donna:grouphug: