i agreed to shaving off even more zoloft ... we may want to taper it right out if i am not frankly depressed, we haven't talked about that. but he wants me on depakote yesterday. he said "don't you REALIZE how effervescent you are???? what you need is a mood stabilizer, not an antidepressant!!!" boy i've never seen him get that vehement about meds. it really seemed something must have changed from last week.

i had been getting racing thoughts and another possible st, and told him that last week, but at that time he felt i was ok, other than good idea to shave off some zoloft - which we did.

this week, he says i am still lucid, and seemed surprised that i was like - reallYY? depakote? - he almost told me off in a way, because he says i am exceptionally self-aware. but maybe right now so much is going on it is hard for me to see the forest for the trees. there's SO many trees dang it! and i go through so many emotions i don't know what i am, honestly. my answer to his didn't i realize, was "yes - no - maybe - i don't know - it VARIES!" to which he said, "case in point!" LOL! i thought about it and last night i did realize i am experiencing *everything* very intensely even though i'm not having real weird stuff happen.

he got very stern at me about some things going on at work ... apparently i'm joking around too much - i'm getting lots done!!! other ppl joke. i don't know if he's overshooting coz he's not there or what, but for now i will take the meds and see. maybe retrospect will be more telling or something. or just lowering or removing the zoloft could be enough.... but maybe not fast enough.

past couple days i wore myself out physically bigtime. also had very very little sleep this week for a variety of reasons - mostly busy. and i am getting a bit sick. (tummy, throat/nose). so perhaps no suprise i guess that thursday and friday i was pretty "flat" the first half of the day... made me think... hey wait, no way i am hypo! also i felt very cold. but i think that confuses things more than anything else.

important is to keep job. so whatever, bring on the meds.

i have been frantic about Christmas. no time for cards, presents, etc... only doing one project for my parents and i don't know if i'll finish in time. today they each separately reassured me not to worry about Christmas. to write them a nice card, it's the thought that counts. that was kind of them.

i have had a lot more to do - including fixing some of my clothes to wear to work and helping my cousin and running around to sign contracts (yes! through June 30, for the moment! but still...)

~ waves ~ sorry for rambling a bit. i am tired and excited and lots of other intense things all together but still tired. bed time.

yes life is much more fun when we are hypo!!!!! it is just a slippery slope and quick jump to mania....yikes!
glad that your folks said to not worry about the holidays...listen to them.
hugs to you girl friend!
(((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

yah i know it... and if i get manic or any form of delusional i WILL lose my job. (been there, done that, more than once.)

probably that is why he is slapping me on depakote so quick.

i had thought disturbances a few weeks back too, but that resolved... dunno if that played into his decision... i do have some Zyprexa just in case.

but i ad mit part of me is really reluctant to medicate this

i feel sooo ALIVE
oh the touch of satin and the taste of sangria

but everything is quick to turn to.... very reactive....
if i were a car nobody could drive me... my steering would be too sensitive hehe.

and rememebr when i was saying i'd flet dead for so long??? so ya know.....

zyprexa is not a bad idea...just saying....
IMO...sorry
love you
bizi

Dear waves,
I thought that hypo turned into a "mania diagnosis" when it reached a length of time say over a week,
(not sure what the dsm4 says)
not neccesarily delusional... which is mania with psychosis.
Been there done that...not good results...
sorry
bizi

yup, that's the way it goes... DSM says 1 week of hypo and its called mania...

my first pdoc said though, that it's also a question of extent but DSM does not handle that aspect... i know what he means though.

you can have delusions and not be completely psychotic. delusional thinking is a psychotic st but often limited to a certain area... florid psychosis is complete detachment from reality. i am given zyprexa for thought disturbances, but not as a mood stabilizer - i cannot take it on a continuous basis. geodon is not prescribable here for bipolar.

my sense is that i am still mild (hypo), f anything. but i still notice two warning sx on and off. plus not just my pdoc had a cow, my parents have been telling me they have noticed this and that... sigh.

i started the depakote at 300mg for a couple nights it was not sedating so i took 500 tonight, will do 650 tomorrow or might even add a 150 now... target is 600 for now but i don't have that many 300's to do that so i'd take a 500 + 1/2 a 300 = 650mg = close enough. as long as i can still do arithmetic i am cool.

i may call doc about reducing zoloft more than we discussed. i am not keen on changing things on my own right now because apprently i am missing things. but he said i did not need an antidepressant now so, i am wondering... and i do know that racing thoughts will get in my way at work if they worsen. doc also thinks i have other fish to fry at work, or rather that i am frying fish that are not mine to fry... hehe

so something has to get shaken out...... ehhhhhhhh

FISH-FRY every one!!!! bring a fork, or a spork, or a skewer andddd......DIG IN!!!!


~ waves ~

Dear Mari

the stuff you posted about the throat chakra fits me to a T. i read something vague about that stuff a long time ago and think about it from time to time... in how how i am blocked from expressing myself.......... this the whole creative hole if you'll pardon the pun.

thanks for info on depakote/infection... good to know although in my case it was brewing before i started Depakote.

dunno where the mania is at. past the Christmas sentimentality which rendered things murky ...i thought maybe i was falling... or maybe it was frustration from the illness incapacitating me for a while....

now mood is chipperer than chipper. i am still rambunctious but having fewer (today none) of the holy guacamole i'm dead spells of crashing on the bed because of body caving in.

i am perpetually doing stuff and in a hurry. tonight i had scheds to do but i did extra stuff... got it wrong, got irked, fixed it, and then moved onto the important tast of shaving sweaters.... i had to desist at some point as i must go to bed. i am not totally unreasonable no, and i do know i need to get to bed. i am resisting the temptation to get on with the pants alteration thing.

in retrospect i see some weird stuff :

- i bought a bunch of useless dumb stuff - no, not expensive and tg i didn't have the plastic option. hose seems to be my "THING" this time around. (no earrrings or cards this time, wow!) it seems to get brought home and forgotten. i turned it up when i was looking for stuff to handwash.
- i turned what might have been supposed to be a 1/2 hour job? at work into a several day project i am still not sure what to do with that.... feel compelled to finish ... maybe i can finish fast?
- other stuff at work.... i know i was not right the last day i spent there. i hope tomorrow is ok. there is weird stuff going on with my boss ... i hope he is away so i can detach.

i mean, lately, i have been been shut in the house sick, and like really out of it despite the restlessness. that feeling was very uncofmrtable and frustrating but if you think about it it is somewhat containing. so yeah, i feel better now insofar as i feel lots more on top of lots of things (DON'T take that too many places please....). and i'm not having those recurrent crying fits which sucked.

yesterday i cooked up a storm. it was more than i could handle with a fever and yeah i keeled but hey.... food got cooked!

so, is the hypo/mania/"HIGH" better? ehhh... yeah, it's much better thank you - i am much more able to appreciate it now!

~ waves ~ hoping i don't buy more hose tomorrow... especially more that doesn't fit.

Waves
You seem to be writing a lot better. Hoping this is true.

Not exactly sure how to explain about the medication, and what
would happen. But with one son if he got sick, and had to sleep
it off. It was like he didn't take the depakote till he was well.
SOmething in his symtome was not recognizing the medication being
there. I am pretty sure he was taking it. Because I had to give it
to him.

I didn't really see these problems with the other one. But he had
problems with retrieving his thinking. But this was something that
was there at this point in his life either way.

Donna

thank you Donna - i guess i will try to park at 800mg until i see my pdoc.

i should hope my writing is guetting better considering how wiped out i was with the cold/bronchitis or whatever the nastie beastie is.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,
I hope that work went better today.
Maybe you can settle down while the boss is away.
M.